To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

*say even not eat

Ouch! I’m so sorry OP. I wonder if your DB realises the damage done.

Your poor Mum! And you. How utterly fucking shit. I had a relative pull something similar with wedding invites recently and it's really caused terrible feelings and rifts.

I really feel for you OP, how on earth did your nephew imagine this weekend was going to go. They have had months to let you know you were only invited to the evening do, especially when you moved your holiday. It's sad when you realise a relationship isn't what you thought it was.

I think DB2 needs to speak to DB1 as well. If one sibling/godparent is miffed it's easy to shrug it off, oh they're over sensitive, entitled, whatever. But if both sibling/godparents are pissed off, that might get through to him.

How am I feeling?
I feel like I've been slapped in the face by DN AND DB1 now.
Feel really bad for mum but I just can't face seeing DN and DB1 in the same room atm so won't be going today.

Yes, you know now. Remember this when your brother is asking for lifts etc. Your car, your choice who you drive around!

It's really not worth falling out over this...if you're that concerned about your mum on that one day perhaps it would extend to years of a rift and how that will make her feel. Don't do it OP. Yes they were thoughtless but seriously it's big girl pants time for you.

I have nieces that i only see at weddings and funerals but i am always invited to their weddings, just one niece to go

Poor you. I had a cousin ask one of my daughters to be her bridesmaid but not the other. It was horrible, we still speak but it changed the relationship. I hate these situations.

Apparently, DB1 has already "had this conversation" with DB2. At least that's what he told me when I called DB1.

It may have just been bluster on the part of DB1, didn't know what to say but his first instinct was to defend his DS and his choices.

But I'd rather be you, OP, than have a knobby son who's offended my DMum, DBro and DSis and their families.

@donquixotedelamancha

I agree that the best way to make sure your mum is least affected would be to rise above it now. You aren't going; you, your family and DB2 aren't important to DN. So go to lunches and be as polite as if he were a next door neighbour. No favours, no help, polite disinterest, focus conversation on the rest of you where you can.

I’m sorry op. I think you’re right not to go today. You’ve got a lot to take in and probably need some space 💐

@Monkey0666 why were you offended? My sister was a cousin's bridesmaid and I want annoyed. As long as they both went to the wedding surely.

I can see which way the wind is blowing with this. it's all going to get twisted around that the OP is being demanding and difficult.

I feel for you, OP. They are not being fair. I don't blame you for distancing yourself.

Poor you, what a horribly rude and spoilt thing to do!! If I were you I would still go today though, for your mum's sake and just be 'polite' to your DN. He sounds very shallow with all the white-suited groomsmen, honestly!!

And MNers, this in one of those times when revenge and anger is NOT the best way forward. So let's not encourage it from the safety of our laptop screens.

Tempted to report this as not in the 'spirit of the site' :-)

This is probably my all-time favourite post.

Not that you are being 'difficult' by not going, not at all! Just how I would approach it so as not to seem affected by the situation. If you feel you can't go then you're well within your rights to keep your distance.

The OP is entitled to feel and do as she pleases. She's an adult. She doesn't need 'big girl pants' to enable her nephew.

@JessicaWessica That’s rotten, I am sorry. 🙁 At least you know exactly where you stand now.

I’d go to the next gathering for your Mum’s sake but I’d be fucked if I’d collect your DB1 next time. If DN is there be icily polite and excuse yourself every time the wedding is mentioned.

I think next week you need to try and get back to your normal routine so you can support your Mum. This must be horrible for her and I'm sure the nephew etc all knew this wouldn't go down well.

Your db1 is a right arse. It absolutely is his place to get involved. He is paying. Under the circumstances, where a parent is paying (traditionally the brides parents), it is they, who request the pleasure of a person’s company. I know parents can be equally controlling so a balance needs to be found. And where a parent is paying it is good manners of their offspring to ensure close family member such as parents, siblings and any offspring attend. There’s less of you in total than the 10 groomsmen in white.

Apparently the more a wedding is talked about and lavish in ridiculous ways, the less likely it is to last. So hold your head up high, change your holiday if you can. If it costs to change it, remember how much money you will be saving by not buying outfits or furnishing a gift.

DB1 has already "had this conversation" with DB2.

What does this mean?
Have you spoke to DB2 about it?

We had something similar with a cousin who invited some but not others of the aunts, uncles and cousins. The wedding was massive (300!!!) so not a question of space. It caused bad feeling, particularly as the father of the cousin said it had nothing to do with him, but then let slip that the cousin had run the guest list past him to see was it ok with him. Uncle had ensured some of his (uncle's) friends were invited, rather than his family.

Karma comes round though: he came looking for a pretty big favour that I could easily have done for him without too much effort on my part but I was unfortunately "too busy".

I would, as you are doing, decline the invitation. If a full invitation is forthcoming in the future, I would also decline. I would go to future lunches at your mother's but politely change the subject when the wedding comes up.