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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 21/04/2019 14:40

OP - your nephew and DB1 sound like classless individuals.

Urgh.

I think the reality is that a) weddings can bring out the worst in people and b) people view them totally differently which can cause massive issues.

I (and my husband’s family thankfully) view weddings as a celebration where you want your guests to enjoy it so their needs were front and centre for us.

Others (your DN) view it was their chance to shine and this last group are the ones who lose sight of what’s really important.

Warmhandscoldheart · 21/04/2019 14:44

Flowers sorry you're going this OP

RosaWaiting · 21/04/2019 14:49

I'm obviously too late but in case it's of use to anyone in future...

I wouldn't have bothered contacting DB1. He doesn't get to dictate the wedding and I think people show who they are by their behaviour.

if I thought there was a chance that one person had no idea what their partner was planning for the wedding, then I might have suggested it, but otherwise, no.

I think people show who they are and their feelings in their behaviour so I rarely question it.

I'm sorry your family didn't turn out to be as close as you thought. Flowers

BritWifeinUSA · 21/04/2019 14:51

Is it a church wedding? From what I recall, no one can be denied entry to a church wedding as they are public events.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/04/2019 14:51

Yeah, OK, well if it's "up to them who they invite," it's up to you whether you attend.
Bet they won't even be in contact with half those "friends" in a few years. Let's hope it's worth it for them.

Willowkins · 21/04/2019 14:56

How would your DB1 feel if DC learned from this that they don't have to invite him to their wedding?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/04/2019 14:56

Since you've cut short your holiday and DB2 has booked the day off work why don't the two of you arrange to do something nice with your DM instead.

LL83 · 21/04/2019 15:02

If you are close to nephew explain why you have declined "I am hurt you have not invited cousins you see every week, and I am only evening invite. If it was a small wedding or we weren't close I would understand. But I didnt think either applied and apparently it does and that is very upsetting"

If you just dont go he will claim the moral high ground. Also i dont know what he can say to fix this now, but you never know he might be able to explain he has realised it is thoughtless and very sorry. (Unlikely but if he doesn't have chance he will say later "I didnt realise, why didnt you talk to me" or blame you for not going)

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 15:06

I'm sure my mum will be fine. I'll be seeing her tomorrow as we'd already arranged to go to the local park for some kind of Fun Day.
I imagine if DN wants her at the wedding so badly he'll sort out transport, seating, for her, etc.

OP posts:
KC225 · 21/04/2019 15:12

Wow. I replied on the first few pages and again this morning but I am shocked by the updates. I'll say this again, you all live in the same village, you are a small family total of 10 that meet up with a choose to socialise with most Sunday and not only are you his Aunt and you are his Godparent - given all this, I have to ask just how close are 100 guests with all day golden invites?

lyralalala · 21/04/2019 15:19

you've cut short your holiday and DB2 has booked the day off work why don't the two of you arrange to do something nice with your DM instead.

As twatty as the nephew has been to suggest his Grandmother boycotts the day would be very bad form and would put the OP and her DB2 into the the position of being the bad guys.

Happynow001 · 21/04/2019 15:29

How am I feeling?I feel like I've been slapped in the face by DN AND DB1 now. Feel really bad for mum but I just can't face seeing DN and DB1 in the same room atm so won't be going today.
Poor you OP. I really feel for you. And, I have to say, surprised by DB1's response. The apple didn't fall far from the tree if that's what he really thinks...

Hope you are able to extend your vacation by another day but if not do something fun with your children anyway! Onwards and upwards OP! 🍷🍰

Lollypop701 · 21/04/2019 15:32

What a nightmare... all these friends to impress that the married couple won’t see in 5 years, and they’ve effectively buggered up a whole family dynamic. I feel for you op, and I would book something else with you other brother and family to celebrate the fa t you are clearly not twats!

BornInGlasgow · 21/04/2019 15:32

I would be very, very hurt by all of this.

Sagradafamiliar · 21/04/2019 15:37

What twats. I never accept invites when I'm just there to make up the numbers for a party atmosphere, but to do this to close family is mortifying.
Hope you all take your mum out for a lovely meal or something instead and make a real occasion of it.

MrsCBY · 21/04/2019 15:39

No DB1 never been The golden Child. We were all treated equally by our parents.

It’s just unfathomable then. Glad you’ve moved onto “stuff em” now.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/04/2019 15:39

I "get" that it might be that they feel that to invite aunts/uncles/cousins from one side of the family means they might feel they have to do the same for the other side of the family too, and if the bride comes from a massive family, that could be an issue for her.
But I also think that exceptions can and should be made if the couple want to, but in this case they clearly don't want to.

Megs4x3 · 21/04/2019 15:42

When my nephew got married his mother was contributing financially and had a very heavy hand when it came the guest list. She threatened to withdraw the help if certain people that he really wanted to invite attended. He was hugely embarrassed but he had the good grace and manners to explain. As I said, weddings are a pain.

Hopoindown31 · 21/04/2019 15:43

Awful really. I wonder if this was actually the bride's decision. I got cut from the all day guest list for a close relatives wedding and it was to make way for more on the bride's side. I still went to the evening do, but don't have much to do with them now as they showed me clearly where I rank in the pecking order. I was more upset because it upset my mum rather than me being bothered.

cooldarkroom · 21/04/2019 15:47

and you are Godmother......just nuts.

Graphista · 21/04/2019 15:59

Wow! Just read your updates absolutely breathtakingly rude and inconsiderate behaviour from your brother! Let alone your nephew!

Definitely decline the invite now at most send a card.

As you say you now know exactly where you stand which is very low in your dns considerations.

Your brother has raised an appallingly rude, spoilt person he should be ashamed!

Where does all this leave your poor mum?

From the sounds of things they won't have even considered her transport let alone her comfort on the day.

If I'd EVER put any of my grans in such an awkward uncomfortable position my parents would have given me an almighty bollocking for being a selfish, rude and ungrateful little madam!!

My mums one of 6 my dad one of 5, all my aunts, uncles, spouses/partners and children were invited. Some couldn't make it for various reasons (mainly health related) but even though I was fairly sure before the invites went out that this would be the case I wouldn't have dreamt of not inviting them.

And the cousins aren't even all blood related! Several are my aunts/uncles step children but I was raised to treat people kindly and with proper consideration - which your Dn clearly has not been!

If there'd been previous fallings out/estrangement that's a different circumstance but that is quite obviously not the case.

Going forward cool civility. No need to be rude but certainly no need to ever put yourselves out for them again.

They've made what they think of you and your other brother and your families - including his own gran! Quite clear, treat him and his family accordingly.

YouTheCat · 21/04/2019 16:01

And what about the fact that DB2 and OP's kids weren't invited to the evening do?

DN is a stupid twat. Absolute nonsense to spend all that money on a lavish wedding when he could have put a deposit on a house instead.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2019 16:08

Erksum
While I do agree that money should be given without strings attached I do think invitations for family members you see weekly and who were present for the wedding discussions should be part of the deal for receiving the funds. I don’t consider that controlling but good manners and an investment in the family.

Take another example, giving cash for a specific purpose such as a house purchase. The money is for that express purpose alone, not for spending thousands on class A drugs and holidays. It could be argued that money also comes with strings. Because it is only given for a specific purpose and the parents will quite possibly have some input into the house purchased not to control but in an advisory capacity so that their children invest wisely.

To bring it back to ops situation, as I said not inviting op and her dcs was not a wise investment in keeping family unity and harmony. Odds on the 10 groomsmen in white will not all be lifelong friends. But family is family... or in the main. For example we have lost touch with dhs best man, no malice. My bridesmaids otoh were family.

Halo84 · 21/04/2019 16:18

I would not engage with DN in the future, and restrict interactions with DB1. They have shown what you mean to them, which is, very little.

You can always arrange to see your mother at other times. My mother is close to her sister, but they always visited my grandmother separately.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2019 16:26

Bloody hell, that's so shit!!!

Well at least you and your other brother have voiced your thoughts and so bugger the lot of them!

How silly of them to cause a family rift for the sake of inviting a handful more THAT ARE FAMILY!!!

Maybe they prefer the 'show' of 10 groomsmen? Am secretly wondering how many bridesmaids she's got lined up Hmm

I'd definitely decline now. Utter bastards.

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