To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

No my mum can drive but has no car atm

So I suppose theoretically she could borrow or hire a car for the day if the wedding if she wanted.

Are you going to speak to your brother in the car?

TBH thinking about it now, the invitation just has my name on it, no mention of the DCs so not sure if they are actually invited at all.

If not named on invitation, they aren't invited.

Just talk to your brother and sort it out - then you’ll know

Giggling at the Saturday Night Fever comment. But shocked by the thoughtlessness of DN/DGS - very poor show. Please tell DB1 how you all feel...although I suspect the damage to the relationship has been done even if DN backtracks & invites you all to the ceremony etc.

Ouch-no, it doesn’t look like they are!

Am I alone in imagining this?

I've only just realised it's only my name on it. How stupid am I?

This just gets worse. I know all the 'they can invite who they want' blah blah blah is true, but this is just shit and really, really hurtful. Getting married doesn't give people carte blanche to be arseholes.

Please talk to DB1 when you pick him up. IMO not saying anything now is going to create many more negative repercussions than if you just talk to your brother. You don't have to be confrontational, just say what Fifthtimelucky has suggested.

It makes it worse that you are both godparents as well. Your nephew has been unbelievably rude.

Come on OP, put your big girl pants on and speak to your brother in the car. He may not know you only got an evening invite and will be upset that you are declining. Communication is the key.

Is there any way the invites have been mixed up?

I think I'd use the time in the car to ask if its a mistake? Also gives them wriggle room.

If DN starts chatting about the wedding.
I think I'd ask some questions about the guest list, who's all at the meal, how long have you known them, how often do you see them etc etc.

In car, driving looking straight ahead...
'We all got DN's wedding invitations (insert name of DB1).
I've got to say we're all a bit surprised that Mum is the on her own during the day & the only one of us going to the actual wedding.
I'm not sure how that will work with transport etc. But I'm sure that's all arranged.
DB2 and I are really disappointed tbh. It's a shame.
We'll let DN know at some point if we're able to go to the evening do'

People can invite who they want, of course they can, it’s their day. Personally, can’t stand church ceremonies and am always relieved at evening only invites so I’d be pleased.

That said, you’re obviously upset and to exclude a close relative from a ceremony party of 150 does seem very odd. With so much preparation and so many invites do you think it could be an error? You seem quite close, can’t you just ask? No need to make a song and dance about it, a straightforward did you mean to invite us to the ceremony too?
I’m all for elopement.

I get how hard it is to have the conversation, hey bro your kid is an arsehole can you sort it won't go down well no matter how nicely you phrase it.

OP, reply saying you won't be attending and try to extend your holiday or arrange a lovely day out with your other brother. And certainly don't send a bloody gift, cheeky git putting in the list.

@WhiteDust has it

I'd probably hand the invitation to DB1 in the car as you set off and say nothing...

Wow. So your DC are not invited at all.

I honestly don't know what to do or say for the best without it offending someone.

The offending has already been done, by the bride and groom. I'd tell my brother you were surprised by the evening only invite. See how the conversation goes then tell him you are going to try to rearrange your holiday back to original dates as you wont be missed at an evening do and its not really worth coming back early for just a couple of hours in the evening.

If he didnt know and isn't happy you have an evening do only and say he will have a word, tell him it is not necessary, its dn wedding and they have made it clear you didn't make the cut and you don't want to make a fuss at their wedding if they don't want you there.

Just have a chat with him about this. Say you were surprised and mention the logistical difficulties it poses for your Mum. You'll then be in a much better position to make a decision and might be able to sort things out. At least find out his reasoning.

You’re not stupid! You was in shock from the first bit of ‘news’.

I was defo envisioning the convo to happen in the car as well FYI and try to prepare yourself for all responses from your brother if you do say something. Imagine if he already knows for example. I feel for you, so hurtful x

Ask your db2 how many names are on his invite too.

Just ask DB1 when you pick him up.

Stop lying about why you’re not going to your Mum’s Your reason for not wanting to go is valid, as is DB2’s. Get it out in the open before you and DB2 are the villains here.

DB1’s son has done something hurtful & incredibly rude, DB1 deserves to know what’s going on.