Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 11:44

Personally, can’t stand church ceremonies and am always relieved at evening only invites so I’d be pleased.

It’s a civil ceremony in a country club.

IHateUncleJamie · 21/04/2019 11:45

I honestly don't know what to do or say for the best without it offending someone.

You’re overthinking it. Don’t lie to your Mum (unless DS really is under the weather), that’s not fair on her. I would speak to DB1 in the car first and if it’s been a genuine mistake then you can go to the get together.

Being honest, upfront and communicating with DB1 adult to adult is (a) not going to offend anyone and (b) the only way forward. Once you ALL know where you stand and why, then you can make a decision about how to proceed.

But be the adult. It is your DB1’s problem and he needs to know.

crazycatlady5 · 21/04/2019 11:46

I’d be more inclined to speak to DB1. Edits jumping to conclusions. ‘DB2 and I are a little hurt that we’re not invited to the ceremony and also a little surprised as it’s not as though they’re short on spaces’. There might be a good reason you never know.

SauvignonBlanche · 21/04/2019 11:46

I think if your DB1 is paying for it all then he should expect his siblings to be invited.

crazycatlady5 · 21/04/2019 11:46

Before jumping to conclusions*

IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 11:47

I wouldn’t be speaking on behalf of DB2. He’s an adult, he can do his own talking.

Disco2020 · 21/04/2019 11:48

Personally, nothing would get me to any part of the wedding. Even if DB1 doesn’t know and is furious, and you and your DC suddenly get an invitation to the whole day, the damage has been done. DN will think if you do go, that will be the end of it. He needs to understand the hurt he has caused.

And maybe, in a few years time when he’s no longer close to the same group of friends and his family aren’t in his wedding pictures, he’ll have a moment of realisation about it all.

YouTheCat · 21/04/2019 11:49

It just gets worse. Not only are you just invited to the evening but they haven't invited your kids? That is shit. Definitely speak to your DB1 about it and say you won't be coming.

TapasForTwo · 21/04/2019 11:50

You will offend him even more if you just decline the invitation. Put your big girl pants and talk to your brother!

Millie2018 · 21/04/2019 11:50

If it only has you name on it then your children are not included. Ok so now I alter my position - to DN is a pig.

pinkgloves · 21/04/2019 11:51

Good grief! I think you need to say something to your brother. This is extremely rude of them!

frumpety · 21/04/2019 11:52

Ask DB1 how he intends getting his mother to the wedding, because you and DB2 wont be there until at least 7pm ?

PineapplePatty · 21/04/2019 11:52

Just be honest. Say you're disappointed not to have been invited to the ceremony and don't want to go to the evening do because of this.

Langrish · 21/04/2019 11:52

JessieMcJessie

Tbh, can’t stand ceremonies generally 😁

Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 11:53

A picture of your DN is emerging . His Dad has saved for uni which he sacks off, then snubs offer of money for house deposit in favour of the lavish 10 white groomsman wedding party! What the Nard.

EdtheBear · 21/04/2019 11:57

DN better watch what he's marrying into. Is their house in both names?

This is all sounding very odd.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:59

Shit! Just had a call from mum
Mum: Change of plan. DN is picking DB1 up instead and will pick you up on the way.
Me: No thanks
Long silence.
Mum: "Why?"
Me: I'd just rather not spend the day listening to wedding talk again.
Mum: Oh I see. Do you want me to have a word with DN?
Me: What would be the point? But if he wants he can call on the way and pick up his RSVP.
Mum: Okay, well I'll call DB1 and tell him you're not coming.
Well that went well.

OP posts:
Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 12:00

Oh shit

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 12:00

Why don’t you just do as so many people have suggested and SPEAK TO DB1!!

Just ring him yourself now-stop putting your mum in really difficult situations.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 12:01

Well now the conversation will be had without you or your other brother there...

TeddybearBaby · 21/04/2019 12:01

You’re still avoiding aren’t you?! Call your brother for the love of god!!

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 12:01

EdTheBear why assume this is all the doing of the Bride?! For all you know she may have begged him to invite his Aunt and Uncle and cousins to the whole day and been overruled.

LuluJakey1 · 21/04/2019 12:01

I hate weddings and try to avoid them if possible. Usually DH and I just reply 'Thank you very much for the invite. We are unable to attend but hope you have a fantastic day and a very happy life together' written in a nice card. We usually send a wedding card near the day.

It amazes me how much bother weddings cause in terms of families/friendships and how upset and angry people get. It results in lots of passive aggressive or pretty aggressive suggestions as to what the offended person should do as a response.

There is no outcome to this now that will be a good one. If a full invite arrived it would be a forced invite which is even worse. If one doesn't arrive they definitely just don't want OP and DB there. If OP goes she will feel angry, hurt and resentful, if she doesn't DM, DB1 will be upset. There is just no good outcome possible.

Some suggestions:
Move to another country - that would solve your Sunday issues every week as well.
Send a polite note saying 'Thanks for the invite. We are busy that day but hope it goes well for you.' No other explanation required. Then either:
a) Organise a BBQ of your own and invite lots of friends and DB1 and make a big day of that.
b) Go away for the day/weekend - treat yourself with the money you would have spent on outfits/presents.
Don't fall out with DB1. If he wants to get into a discussion/apologise just say 'Look- it's done. Let's just get on with it. No point in falling out over a wedding. Yes, we are hurt by it but I don't want it to affect our relationship with you. Look on the bright side - we'll have the money we would have spenton outfits and presents to spend on our holiday. ' Don't go any further than that.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 12:01

They don't have a house, they live with DNs mum.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/04/2019 12:02

There is little doubt that after this afternoons visit to his nan's that DN will realise he has massively offended his aunt and his uncle who also both happen to be his godparents

Not even inviting your DC to the evening do?! Wtaf

For me the damage would be done, I'd be way too offended to be anywhere near him right now

I think you've done the absolute right thing by staying away

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.