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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:06

Anyway, too late now. Mums just phoned and asked if I can pick up DB1. I said yes, but I can't stay as DS is "under the weather".

OP posts:
MrsLinManuelMiranda · 21/04/2019 11:08

OP you could broach the matter thus " There seems to be a mistake here, I have received a second tier invitation but you have accidentally included a first tier wedding list!"

WhiteDust · 21/04/2019 11:11

So you and DB2 aren't going to stay but you're taking DB1 (father of the groom)?

Use the time in the car to tell him that you and DB2 are offended. I find having serious conversations easier in the car (no eye contact!!!)

englishdictionary · 21/04/2019 11:12

So you are going to huff at them and he result of that is lying to your mum?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/04/2019 11:12

If DS is under the weather then fair enough

But I don't see the point in lying about it just to avoid spending time at your mums, you're not going to be able to avoid them forever. And why should you!

They should be bloody embarrassed

MissEliza · 21/04/2019 11:13

I think it's rude Op. I can't imagine not inviting my aunts and uncles to my wedding. What really swings it for me is the fact your dm will basically be on her own til you show up. I think if you're that close, you should say you're disappointed. However I wouldn't decline as it will cause bad feelings.

Fifthtimelucky · 21/04/2019 11:15

I'm old fashioned and think family get priority at weddings.

Someone said further up the thread that they didn't want to invite an uncle and aunt who they see only once a year. I see lots of my relatives once a year or less. A wedding is a perfect reason to get together (and better than than the alternative, which is a funeral). There have been more funerals than weddings in my family recently, so glad to be going to a family wedding next month (my cousin's daughter).

Agree with everyone else that 10 groomsmen is ridiculous.

Also agree that OP should talk to her brother, especially as he is paying. Say that she was surprised and disappointed that she and the other brother were not invited to the main thing and that their mother was upset that she wouldn't know anyone. As others have said, he might not know.

If I were paying for my child's wedding, I would expect my closest relatives to be invited.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:18

Well I've called DB2 and asked him what he's going to do today....says he's not going because he "can't be arsed to make chit chat with our Godson about a wedding he's not been invited to".
I honestly don't know what to do or say for the best without it offending someone.

OP posts:
InceyWinceyette · 21/04/2019 11:20

Talk to DB1.

Ask what the rationale is.

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 11:20

Use the time in the car to tell him that you and DB2 are offended. I find having serious conversations easier in the car (no eye contact!!!

Definitely! It’s the perfect opportunity. Are you the only person in your family who can drive?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/04/2019 11:21

Well then I would convey that information to DB1 in the car on your way to your mums

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 11:21

But your DN hasn’t cared about offending you.

Just talk to DB1 in the car. Else it’ll end up escalating for the wrong reasons.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 21/04/2019 11:21

Well they are not bothered about offending you and db2 and your Mum are they? Please don't go all PAgg British - TALK to DB1!!

You can couch it in terms of being concerned for your Mum "so, DB1 as DB2 me and the kids have only received evening invites how the heck are you going to look after Mum and play John Travolta then? She worried she will have no one to talk to ALL day! What do you think is best, she's talking about not going at all and of course that would be a shame as she's the only one of us invited to actually see the vows"

Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 11:22

So you are his Godparents as well - this just gets worse and worse. I really feel for you. Can you get DB2 to speak to DB1?

Ruru8thestars · 21/04/2019 11:23

You need to mention the issue to DB1

NunoGoncalves · 21/04/2019 11:26

I would just not go, if that's how you feel. No drama or anything, just realise they're not that bothered about you being there and you're not that interested in going.

The way I see it is, if you're not important enough to make the 150-person list for the main wedding, then they're certainly not going to miss you at the evening party are they?

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 11:26

Oh wow, DB2 is DN’s Godfather?! Are you also his Godmother?

user1487194234 · 21/04/2019 11:26

I am very close to my sister and her family and would be very upset if any of my DNs didn't ask me to their weddings. And I don't agree with 2 tier weddings.

However for the sake of the family/bigger picture I would go to whatever part I was invited too with a good grace and keep my mouth zipped

EscapeTheCastle · 21/04/2019 11:27

Don't start lying to your Mum about people being poorly.

If you are in the same car as DB1, the grooms dad yes? then this is the time to sort it out.

The only way to save face here is to suggest clearly and politely that you seem to have an incorrect invite.

They then have the chance to say - oh yes, my mistake - and the issue is cleared up. I'm sure your DB1 will be surprised at the "mistake" too!

Any other course of action is effectively you demanding an invite. Suggesting there's a mistake is the least embarrassing way to do this.

dollydee · 21/04/2019 11:27

Bridezilla thread Tidydancer 🙂

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1807864-to-say-no-to-this-request-from-a-friend

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/04/2019 11:28

Just seen that you are his godparents aswell!

That makes it even worse! So incredibly thoughtless and insulting

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:28

No my mum can drive but has no car atm. I never minded giving DB1 a lift as I was going that way anyway.

OP posts:
dollydee · 21/04/2019 11:28

There are about 4 threads in all.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:29

Yes me and DB2 are Godparents to both of DB1s DSs

OP posts:
Justkeeprollingalong · 21/04/2019 11:30

I'm getting annoyed at OP now. JUST TALK TO YOUR BROTHER. At the very least let him know you and other brother are upset. Also do not lie to your mum. Be honest and say you are too sad/upset to see nephew at the moment.

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