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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 21/04/2019 10:37

It's odd that in 2 years they haven't said anything that prepared you for an evening only invite.

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 10:38

I think you will be petty and childish to throw a strop by not going. he is your nephew and if you really cared about him you would want to be there for whatever part of the day.
I understand it is disappointing to not be there for the day but you can't use the argument that you were so looking forward to it and then the same argument for not going at all. This will cause a big rift for your future relationship with him.
People do silly things around weddings. Stay calm and rise above it. Go, take your DD and buy a gift that you can afford or give an amount of cash that you can afford and move on. It's their day .

SlappingJoffrey · 21/04/2019 10:38

12 pages of outrage and the OP still hasn't clarified with the Groom whether it's a mistake - which it probably is.

That was deffo my first thought, and I was going to say to OP that it seemed much more likely that they'd omitted the menu. But then I saw the update that it's a 7pm invitation so seems it would be evening? I would certainly still speak to her brother before any communications though.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 21/04/2019 10:39

I think you should say to DB1 that you are disappointed that you won't see DN getting married. Because you are. It does sound odd when you see them so often but if you can't be open (politely) then you are just going to carry on fretting. Don't avoid seeing them but if they want to say anything about the wedding ask them not to as you are not involved and it's a bit upsetting for your DD. Is she even invited to the evening?

It is up to your mum if she wants to mention separately that she feels she may be 'billy no mates' on her own and may have difficulty even getting there.

Usually I would say 'it's their wedding etc' but this seems thoughtless/rude.

SweetMarmalade · 21/04/2019 10:39

As you’ve seen them every Sunday for the past few years while they discuss their wedding plans, you’ve discussed cutting your holiday short to attend, I do think it’s incredibly rude to have second tiered you and your db.

How old is your DN? Sounds like it’s more his idea of the lavish wedding and a day he can show off to his friends while his close family have to take a back seat, but not before buying them an expensive gift!

Absolutely I’d be annoyed and surprised if this happened to me to.

I think I would have to say something regarding your holiday being cut short to attend the wedding ceremony you weren’t going to be invited to! Why didn’t they let you know when you mentioned this?

I would try and get that extra day back and not bother going.

feelingsinister · 21/04/2019 10:41

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I think the vast majority of mumsnet threads wouldn't need to exist if people actually spoke to each other. It's incredible that couples, siblings, best friends etc are completely incapable of having an honest conversation!

pepperpot99 · 21/04/2019 10:42

Ten groomsmen in white? Is the wedding homage to Saturday Night Fever?

SweetMarmalade · 21/04/2019 10:43

Our best ‘slap in the face’ wedding invite went from being told we would be invited to the evening do only, to no invite at all Grin

Quite relieved actually.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:45

The best ‘slap in the face’ is TidyDancer’s amazing thread in Classics. Not ‘best’ for TD of course, but the height of CF. Nothing since has beaten it.

SweetMarmalade · 21/04/2019 10:47

Do you have a link MooMoo Grin

SlappingJoffrey · 21/04/2019 10:48

Is that the one where the friend was after her doing all the flowers or centrepieces or something for free, but not inviting her?

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 10:48

Is that the one where she helped plan, was told when to turn up to decorate the venue but wasn’t actually invited?

mrsgandy · 21/04/2019 10:50

Greyhound sorry I didn't mean to imply OP should be around for the week before I was just saying if it was my sisters kid getting married I probably would like to around as close with my sister and her children and I would help out if needed but if my brothers kids getting married I would just turn up and enjoy the day .

Jessica that makes sense about the holiday then .
The more I think about it the more bizarre it is. I'm imaging my niece getting married and only getting an invite to the evening do I would be extremely hurt . And my sister would be devastated as she would like me there. I suspect your brother will be most upset .
Maybe they did give you wrong invites .

MorningRichie · 21/04/2019 10:52

Dont pick DB1 up today. If he contacts you to ask where you are, just say "Oh, I thought you were just coming for the evening, not the main event"

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:52

Is that the one where she helped plan, was told when to turn up to decorate the venue but wasn’t actually invited?

I think she was given a Save the date, then wasn’t invited but was then asked to decorate the venue! Funnily enough she said no.

pepperpot99 · 21/04/2019 10:53

Whaaat??? Link if poss please

AhhhHereItGoes · 21/04/2019 10:54

I'd mention it casually to DB1 and see what he says.

I think as you are all close it seems rather mean to leave you out.

IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 10:54

Yeah it was after she hadn’t been invited that she was asked to decorate wasn’t it? Because she had no plans!!

Provincialbelle · 21/04/2019 10:57

This has happened in my wider family, the evening invitees just shrugged and said well we have owt to do with them anyway so they turned up, smiled and left. If on the other hand you’re closer to them then it’s much more of a snub. You could rise above and still attend, but I wouldn’t be reaching deep in the pocket for an expensive present

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/04/2019 11:00

I disagree to some extent OP when you say this isn't DB1s problem

His own mother is going to be alone at the wedding, no thought as to how she will even get there, his brother and sister and their children are not invited, his son has not considered the feelings of his immediate close family.

It's very much his problem imo

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 11:00

DB1 has been saving a "university fund" since both his DSs were born as he's always been a saver.
DN didn't go to uni so DB1 offered it as a house deposit but DN said he wanted to use it for the wedding.
That's why DB1 is paying.
Venue for wedding is about 30 miles away.
I am going to do what Someoneonlyyouknow suggested and tell DB1 that I will be sad not to actually see them get married, then see what he replies.

OP posts:
raviolidreaming · 21/04/2019 11:01

I get that PP think I should say something to DB1. But apart from paying for the day it's not really his problem and as far as I know has had nothing to do with the planning

Well, you're telling all of us and it's not our problem / we're not involved in the planning either! It makes no sense not to speak to your DB1 about this.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 11:01

And he’s paying for this whole massive insult-fest too MrJolly.

CharityDingle · 21/04/2019 11:02

Ten groomsmen in white? Is the wedding homage to Saturday Night Fever?

Grin
DecomposingComposers · 21/04/2019 11:03

I really don't understand some of the comments.

Yes, it's their wedding. Yes, I suppose they can invite exactly who they want.

What they can't do though is then dictate how other people react to those invites.

If this causes a rift in the family that won't be the OPs fault, it will be the fault of the bride and groom who chose to do this.

They are the ones choosing to make it clear how unimportant the groom's family are to them so why should they be surprised if the family now act accordingly towards them?

You can choose how you treat people. What you can't choose is their reaction to it.

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