Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 23/04/2019 07:29

I would go. Even if I didn't agree with the thing that they were doing, because it's not about me, it's about them.

They normally queue up with a few of their classmates, do they Holy communion, take some photos outside, and then go to a pub/restaurant/hall/someone's house/garden for some cake and a drink. What's not to like?

JessieMcJessie · 23/04/2019 08:53

Whats not to like? Oh just the indoctrination of children into religion, via stories about eating flesh and drinking blood. Then laughing it all off with cake.

Obviouspretzel · 23/04/2019 09:00

I'm an atheist myself, but I'm not sure why so many atheists have to be so rude about people's religion. It's possible to be an atheist and be respectful of other people's beliefs.

Also, I'm surprised at the number of people not being aware of 'cultural' christening. Maybe it isn't a thing in your community but I know many many people who have had their kids christened just because it's 'What you Do' or it's a lovely ceremony etc. I haven't done it with my kids, and I don't agree with it, but it happens a lot.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 09:29

“Oh just the indoctrination of children into religion, via stories about eating flesh and drinking blood. Then laughing it all off with cake.“

Only if you’re Catholic. Otherwise it’s just symbolic flesh and blood.

HoustonBess · 23/04/2019 09:35

Go.

Then be a reliable presence in the nephew's life as an example of how people can live without religion and be good, tolerant, kind people. Much more powerful than a petty protest.

sashh · 23/04/2019 09:35

It's not about your dh or his sister or the grandparents this is about a child having a special occasion and wanting family there.

If he was in a school play, or playing sport for a team would your dh go if asked?

He is being a complete dick and he is being a dick to a child.

JessieMcJessie · 23/04/2019 09:44

BertrandRussell I said “stories about” - I was including both the symbolic and the “we really are eating Christ’s flesh” camps in my scorn.

JessieMcJessie · 23/04/2019 09:45

Go.

Then be a reliable presence in the nephew's life as an example of how people can live without religion and be good, tolerant, kind people. Much more powerful than a petty protest.

So you’re saying that politely declining to attend a ceremony that he doesn’t believe in means that he is not good, tolerant or kind? That’s quite a leap, and an offensive one at that.

sirfredfredgeorge · 23/04/2019 09:48

*“Oh just the indoctrination of children into religion, via stories about eating flesh and drinking blood. Then laughing it all off with cake.“

Only if you’re Catholic. Otherwise it’s just symbolic flesh and blood.*

I think you'll find many of the Zombie faiths have similar stories, less cake of course.

MamaDane · 23/04/2019 09:54

Exactly corythatwas I am still a member of the church too and pay church taxes as well. Everyone automatically is here.

JITSOG Exactly what corythatwas said. A christening is more of a "welcome into the world and the Danish community" rather than a religious event. This is widely accepted. Maybe try to not be so judgmental just because your culture is more black and white about things. We also celebrate Christmas, lent and Easter. What we tend to regard as the children's choice in the matter is the conformation (or the opposite a nonfirmation) they have when they are 13-15 where they decide if they believe in God or not. It's a coming of age thing, like a sweet sixteen except with certain traditions. A lot of children choose to still have the confirmation in spite of not caring much about religion. Most people don't actually care much. In Denmark our traditions is our religion really. That and socialising.

bellinisurge · 23/04/2019 10:02

Go ffs. Don't be a dick. I have close non-Christian relatives that I invited to my DD's baptism - Catholic. One of them asked to be excused. I told them not to bother coming if it meant that much to them. They came. No one asked them to convert or took money off them.

summerof68 · 23/04/2019 10:14

Only if you’re Catholic. Otherwise it’s just symbolic flesh and blood.*
I suppose other religions don’t do anything that could be deemed worthy of a sneer?

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 23/04/2019 10:16

What happened to "it's an invitation, not a summons"? Grin

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 10:21

“What happened to "it's an invitation, not a summons"? grin“

That doesn’t apply to atheists- it’s “disrespectful” not to attend or even to question any Christian event. Because it’s “only a little bit of Christianity-it won’t do you any harm”

isittheholidaysyet · 23/04/2019 10:21

If he doesn't want to go, he shouldn't go.

I'm a catholic. We have quite a large family, not all are Catholic or Christian. When it comes to things like First Holy Communion it is actually difficult to know who to invite.
(At our church...) The church will be packed on that day, the unsaid preference is for keeping the guest list short.
BUT, I don't want any of my family to be offended that the haven't been invited.
My Dsis, is no longer a Christian, but gets really upset if we don't invite/tell her about christian events we are going to as a family.
On the other hand, sis-in-law, always says thanks for the invitation, but I'm afraid we can't come, which is also fine.

If he doesn't want to go, that is fine.
Maybe his family didn't want him to feel he was being left out of a family event.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 10:25

“Only if you’re Catholic. Otherwise it’s just symbolic flesh and blood.*
I suppose other religions don’t do anything that could be deemed worthy of a sneer?”

That wasn’t actually a sneer- it was a statement of fact. But if I was going to sneer-which I tend not to unless provoked- my sneers are completely ecumenical and cross-faith.

JessieMcJessie · 23/04/2019 10:27

That doesn’t apply to atheists- it’s “disrespectful” not to attend or even to question any Christian event. Because it’s “only a little bit of Christianity-it won’t do you any harm”

Quite,Bert. And not attending disqualifies you from ever being good, tolerant or kind.

thecatsthecats · 23/04/2019 10:50

Go ffs. Don't be a dick. I have close non-Christian relatives that I invited to my DD's baptism - Catholic. One of them asked to be excused. I told them not to bother coming if it meant that much to them. They came. No one asked them to convert or took money off them.

They came - probably thinkg that something they don't believe exists AT ALL wasn't worth the drama you would consequently make out of it.

Can I ask what value it adds to you to have non-believers join you in such events?

Genuine question. I'd like to understand from a believer's point of view.

(I have no problem turning down invites to non-believers faux-Christian events!)

bellinisurge · 23/04/2019 11:10

Here's the value it adds- family event, drama avoided.

bellinisurge · 23/04/2019 11:16

FWIW, we had our daughter baptised to please our family not us. We had no choice but to go to a local Catholic school, the non denomination one near us was full and the Catholic school had places available. Dd did FHC because it avoided the drama of not doing it.
We have deliberately got her into a non-Catholic secondary despite all her primary school classmates going to a Catholic secondary because she has expressed her personal preference and we respect that.

JessieMcJessie · 23/04/2019 12:14

bellinisurge surely the drama was only created by you and your petulant “well don’t bother coming then” response to what sounds like a polite request to be excused?

bellinisurge · 23/04/2019 12:24

The people in question wanted to come for the party but not the religious ceremony. Which is CF territory.

GiftyWifty · 23/04/2019 12:46

It's CF territory to try and force a religious ceremony on people that don't believe in it and don't want to go.

bellinisurge · 23/04/2019 12:55

The CF in question have form (you wouldn't be expected to know this) for turning up at family events and making drama.

GiftyWifty · 23/04/2019 12:59

Then don't invite them in the first place.

Swipe left for the next trending thread