Family meal out issue. WIBU?

[LettuceBe]

A family member organised an extended family lunch today. We have gatherings two or three times a year. Today there were 12 adults and four children.(I don't have children so none were mine) An aunt received some unexpected money and wanted to pay for it all. It was a chain pub type place so reasonably priced but still incredibly generous of her and offers of payment from some were repeatedly refused before and during the meal.

It went well but all four children aged 2, 3, 4 and 8) barely touched their kids meals(The build your own type when you choose a main and two sides, Dessert is free) There was a huge kids play area so they were more interested in that and left the vast majority of the food. Said Aunt was not pleased and made some remarks about it having to pay for nothing. One parent didn't look pleased but offered to pay for the kids meals.(About£4.95) but Aunt declined. It created a bit of an atmosphere but we finished and left. Aunt left a Whatsapp about enjoying the day and hoping everyone else did too, but that she felt a little taken advantage of because the children didn't eat their meals and none of the other three sets of parents offered to pay for the uneaten meals. Understandably it didn't go down well.

So who was being unreasonable here?

OP, are you sure you are not the Aunt? Very detailed post for someone not really affected and not wanting to be involved. To me, it comes across like you are the Aunt, feeling you can’t really be offended but also feeling annoyed and looking for support.

Bottom line is everyone telling you , don’t offer to pay if you have a set of parameters in your head that you want people to follow. And it was a lunch for twelve and you’ve spent about £23.00 on kids but are upset they haven’t followed rules in your head - eg eating dessert not mains - something many parents in sixties would not have allowed, but not uncommon nowadays. Kids don’t get hungry or want food groups according to their adult companions wishes.

Don’t offer to pay unless you’re genuinely happy to pay without any conditions

I'm definitely not the Aunt. I'm in my thirties myself and I have no children. The details came from my own observations and the lengthy Whatsapp argument/discussion.

And I haven't received any unexpected money(More's the pity)

I was affected in that it created a rather heated awkward atmosphere at the table though, and in the family chat(Now I can see why I prefer to avoid social media). It seems to have died down now though for the most part though I think it'll definitely be separate bills in future.

Eurgh, the aunts being a martyr.
She refused the offer of the payment for one child, so the others presumably didn’t bother. She insisted on paying.
I know characters like this, insist on doing things, then sulk when they realise others have free will and don’t do everything exactly how they imagined it in their heads.

Also, why take kids to a place with a play area if they’re not allowed to play. The longest ‘idle’ time in a restaurant for them to be able to play is surely while waiting for the food to arrive? Why should they sit there bored doing nothing (and eating nothing) when they could be playing? Confused

Hmmmm I think the aunt has definitely got a bit OTT. If it was going to be such a big deal for her to pay for the meal (and it probably was quite pricey when you add all the meals together) it would have been a lot better not to have offered at all.

All these “the children should have eaten all their meals before any playing” posts. That’s fine and you get to make those decisions about parenting your own dcs. Other relatives’ dcs who you are buying a meal for, no...

I think the aunt is being the most U by far tbh.

Unless they’re wrecking the place or behaving really inappropriately in a restaurant, I really don’t care what they get up to.

I guess the aunt had some picture in her mind of how the meal would go and maybe how much it would cost and when it turned out differently she has acted ungraciously. Obviously not used to treating people. She probably shouldn’t start if that’s how she is going to behave.

Unless they’re wrecking the place or behaving really inappropriately in a restaurant, I really don’t care what they get up to

I mean “what other people’s children get up to”.

Why were they allowed icecream if they did not eat they dinner

The Aunt is being unreasonable. If you offer to pay for something you should do so with good grace. I treated my DD and my parents to lunch today. None of us completely finished our meals and we all ate our desserts. Shock horror! We had a lovely time:-) I offered to pay but not with the proviso that everyone ate everything.

My biggest bugbear is when I see adults forcing children to eat food that they don't want. I don't understand why people can't think 'oh its a special occasion today, young children might be overexcited/distracted/bored.'

Ugh I remember being in a pub with my dns and sil. I ordered fish & chips and sil ordered the same for her little kids. I couldn’t get near finishing it when it arrived as it was greasy, (even for fish and chips). Not nice at all. My dn really wanted pudding and sil wouldn’t let her have one unless she ate every greasy bite on her plate 🤢. Poor kid forced it all down and THEN ate pudding. What kind of message is that? Overeat and you get rewarded? Fuck that.

Mine go through phases, sometimes they eat everything in sight, and sometimes they’ll eat 2 chips and that’ll be enough.
And I often don’t finish my whole meal, and I still have a dessert absolute rebel

It cost her the same whether they ate it or not, you don't offer to treat people and make it conditional.

She is BU.

I feel sorry for the aunt but I think swb'massively'u I think that her expectations were completely unrealistic.

If a restaurant has a play area of course the children are going to want to do that instead.

My ds is 8 and he would have shovelled down the minimum for survival and gone tbh. I could have made a scene and insisted he eat it while he sat there with a grumpy face and complained loudly about the disgusting food. Dh or I could have taken him outside but all of this is uncomfortable for the others at the table too and not really the time.

My ds is not rude or bad mannered he would have thanked the aunt for his dinner and politely responded to any questions directed at him. He is 8 though and has not yet learned to hide his feelings or to sit quietly for 15 / 20 minutes next to a play area

Like I said though I do feel heartily sorry for the aunt who did a nice thing but ultimately had silly expectations. If I was one of the parents I would suggest to the others we combine our £5 and send her a nice bunch of flowers.

She is BU, but perhaps she is from a different time when children were made to sit tight and clear their plates. The cost to her is no different whether they ate their meals or not though.

Agree with everything piffar said.

the only unreasonable thing the aunt has done is taking it to WhatsApp. Recipe for disaster at the best of times. Oh she's also unreasonable for expecting people to bring their children up with manners, to not waste food and appreciate the fact they actually have food on their plates. There's no way I'd have paid for lunch for that shower.

I hope none of the parents bang on about the planet & saving the environment for future generations when they cba to teach them that it's not okay to waste food/resources. I hope they all send the money to the aunt and she can donate it to a good cause, perhaps a food bank.

Goodness. If that was my aunt about my children the reply on the WhatsApp ' so generous of you, we didn't realise your treating was conditional upon us actually finishing the meal. I'll post you the money to cover the children immediately.'

Children may want To play but that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to play during meal time (not before or after)

And surely a 2 and 3 year old would need to be supervised the whole time anyway and not left to run free?

I don’t see how force feeding kids equals politeness but there you go

The aunt is unreasonable.
She came into money unexpectedly, enough to pay (kindly) for a meal out for sixteen people, and she spent Easter Day surrounded by extended family. And still not happy as people as didn't behave as expected. Does she live her life offering everything with strings attached?
Disgusting.

I don't think yabu, but I do see the aunt's POV. She is probably of a generation which was used to children being polite to their elders, writing thank you letters for presents, and who like war-time adults finds wasting food upsetting.
So I can understand her being upset when she finds her generosity, effectively spurned.
I don't blame the kids, but think perhaps the adults could have at least made more of a show of apologising for their kids (normal) behaviour.

This really pisses me off. People can’t force feed their children. Bugs me every time my kids don’t eat their dinner but I can’t force them.

They can’t force feed them BUT they can enforce and teach basic manners such as “while others are eating you sit at the table even if you don’t want to eat”

She was being unreasonable. However, in that situation where we're somewhere with a play area, the DCs are expected to eat their food before they go and play.

I actually don’t think your Aunt is BU. My husband’s nieces and nephews frequently come here and arse about with food or insist on cans of juice they take one sip out of. So fucking wasteful and really boils my piss. My children would have been told they were getting no ice creams unless they’d eaten up. Especially the older ones, teeny ones are more likely to arse around with food but 8 and 9 year olds should have eaten.

@harebel

Do you have young children? Do you make them eat every scrap of food on their plates at every meal? Do you ever waste food or even sit at a table with someone who doesn’t finish their meal? How do you react when you see someone leaving food? Do you call them a shower etc or is it just children who you call names?