Family meal out issue. WIBU?

[LettuceBe]

A family member organised an extended family lunch today. We have gatherings two or three times a year. Today there were 12 adults and four children.(I don't have children so none were mine) An aunt received some unexpected money and wanted to pay for it all. It was a chain pub type place so reasonably priced but still incredibly generous of her and offers of payment from some were repeatedly refused before and during the meal.

It went well but all four children aged 2, 3, 4 and 8) barely touched their kids meals(The build your own type when you choose a main and two sides, Dessert is free) There was a huge kids play area so they were more interested in that and left the vast majority of the food. Said Aunt was not pleased and made some remarks about it having to pay for nothing. One parent didn't look pleased but offered to pay for the kids meals.(About£4.95) but Aunt declined. It created a bit of an atmosphere but we finished and left. Aunt left a Whatsapp about enjoying the day and hoping everyone else did too, but that she felt a little taken advantage of because the children didn't eat their meals and none of the other three sets of parents offered to pay for the uneaten meals. Understandably it didn't go down well.

So who was being unreasonable here?

I think that this is a generational issue. It's become the norm that we go out and take our children out regularly from a young age. Before big chain pubs and play areas, this was a real luxury. I grew up in the 80's and going out for dinner, even to a pub that served food, was an event, a birthday/anniversary etc. Not just a random weekend. As a society we have become really wasteful, my parents were born into a world that was still rationed and waste was abhorrent. I don't force feed my children, but unless they are poorly or there is another good reason, there are rules. They are allowed to play, before and after food, but are not allowed to dip in and out. For a start, how can you supervise them adequately if they are playing and you are eating, and also, I expect handwashing before eating. Another rule is, if they haven't eaten their main sufficiently, then absolutely no dessert. They don't have to eat it all, but they do need to make a reasonable attempt. If there's something they don't like, then that's different. Whilst her message was a bit harsh and the issue shouldn't really have been addressed in a group text, I can see her point. I don't agree that she was taken advantage of, but I do think that the parents should seriously consider the manners and behaviours that they are normalising in their children because it does come across as very wasteful and rude.

Sounds like aunt probably had higher expectations of the parents and wanted more... reverence??
Suppose with paying for the meal maybe she felt it was a bit special and kids aught to be encouraged to eat/appreciate the special meal...

So maybe that's why shes upset, people acting like its just some basic chain pub vibe when it's something nice she's trying to do?

Either that, or she's secretly grudging and always like this.

Annoyance about random nachos, though, that's unreasonable.

Agree with @Pawsandnoses about it being a generational issue. Eating out would have been a VERY special thing in my family.

Your aunt is not only bu but she’s a martyr too. One parent offered the fiver but aunt declined. Only to complain that others didn’t offer.

If you can’t give with loving kindness, don’t give at all.

The "standards were higher in the 80s" line is a red herring.

There were none of these pubs with soft play in the 80s. A swing or climbing frame in the pub garden was the pinnacle of child friendly.

The only reason to pick a pub with soft play for an extended family meal is so that the children will run off and play. This situation couldn't have happened 30 years ago because the set up wouldn't have existed.

If you want the children to remain at the table you don't taunt them by choosing a soft play set up, you choose an ordinary restaurant.

I do think views about eating out and the behaviour of children in public have changed. But the older generation in my family would never have dreamed of "making a fuss" about money or drawing attention to it in anyway at all.

Surely it's also rude to completely spoil the memory of the dinner for all involved and effectively ensure it's never repeated?

Parents were being unreasonable to order extra starters/adult portions. I have a 4 year old DD even though everyone describes her as "a good eater" , she cannot eat an entire child's main when we are out.
So whilst Aunt should have expected some food to remain uneaten, I can see why she was a bit narked that parents ordered extra and that it was left. However when you offer to treat people, you can't police what they do or don't eat. And she shouldn't have made an issue out of it.
As for the children using the play area, it's far better that they go off and play and everyone have a good time rather than parents trying to battle keeping a bored 2,3,4 year old quietly sat in a seat for a couple of hours.

What generation are we talking? My late granny (who died last year when she was in her nineties) used to go out for meals fairly frequently. She was a plate clearer, but she never commented on what others ate, even if she was paying.

I also believe overeating is wasteful too. If anything, the parents ordered too much, but that still isn’t really the aunt’s business. If she didn’t want waste, she could have donated the money to a food bank instead.

She is being unreasonable. Kids often don't eat their meals when they are out it happens. She offered to pay why was be taking advantage of? She would pay whether they eat it or not and she refused when others offered to pay.

@qazxc

Of course your four year old can’t eat those meals. They’re designed for up to 12yo aren’t they? If these were a bunch of preschoolers / reception kids then all the adults were a bit silly to order the works for them. Surely that’s common sense?

But still, who behaves as the aunt has? If she was some eco warrior who hated waste so much, for entirely selfless reasons, she probably wouldn’t be frequenting some chain pub and buying (non vegan) meals for her whole family’s. She’d be using her money for something more worthwhile.

Cupohtea

Actually I meant the adults when I was referring to that shower.

Don't try to make this about eating EVERY scrap on plates. Unless you're being deliberately obtuse, there no need to make out that's what was meant. There's a world of difference in carefully ordering portions to ensure less waste, not letting kids get up & down from the table in the middle of eating and letting them have ice cream if they've not really eaten much else.

There really is no excuse for the behaviour of the parents here^^ as they are the ones the children will be learning from. I don't blame the kids at all for wanting to go to soft play, eat ice cream and not sit at the table.

And what's the deal with asking whether I've got young children or not? Is that because you're one of those types who thinks i cannot possibly understand what it's like or something...

God the straw man, no-one is saying the aunt is an eco warrior who shouldn't eat out in crappy chain pubs either - you can hate food waste and bad manners without going from one extreme to the other y'know

Oh she's also unreasonable for expecting people to bring their children up with manners, to not waste food and appreciate the fact they actually have food on their plates. There's no way I'd have paid for lunch for that shower.

I don’t think I’m being obtuse at all @harebel, deliberately or not. Did you read what you wrote up thread? What a weirdly aggressive post directed at children, which is why I was curious if you had any of your own. You sound genuinely spiteful. I know, you’ve now said it’s the parents you take issue with and I’m sure most reasonable people try to raise their children with good manners and to appreciate how fortunate we are to be so well fed in this country.

If anything though, the parents main ‘crime’ was over ordering. Coaxing children to overeat is not doing anything to combat food waste. We all consume too much in this country. If we raise children who believe they get rewards (ice cream) for eating too much in the first place (big main courses that they don’t need) things will only get worse.

If you really hate waste as much as you appear to, really your rage should be directed at the aunt for suggesting a meal out at all. Totally unnecessary and the portions for adults and children are unnecessarily large. It’s a total waste, even if you manage to stuff every morsel into your belly.

Gah this is such poor form on behalf of the aunt! Personally I would never allow my little one to leave to go and play before having a decent go at a lunch they probably had in put in choosing but that’s not the point. It is so cringe to offer to pay for something and then take issue with the bill and what was on it or what was/wasn’t eaten! Totally soured the whole experience I’m sure!

She's BVU.

She offered to pay and refused other offers of payments; kids that age rarely eat out well and are always more interested in play areas and ice cream than sitting at the table eating their peas in a civilised fashion saying "why thank you Aunty, what a wonderful person you are" and beaming winsomely.

She clearly didn't get the adulation she craved... can we assume this petty, ego driven lady also has no kids?

@CupOhTea , I agree the aunt acted badly in spoiling the meal for everyone and is now acting like a bit of a martyr. If you offer to buy someone a meal, you can't dictate what they order, or whinge if they leave stuff on their plate.
However, as you say the child portions are big enough for 12yr old. So the insistence on buying adult size carvery dinner for the 8yr old and starters for the 2,3 and 4 year old, was always going to be wasteful. So I can get why she would be a bit annoyed at it. But she should've kept it to herself and not offer to pay for anymore meals in future.

I agree with you @qazxc. On all points. I’d silently be thinking it was wasteful too, but no way would I make a show of myself like that.

Eating out is terribly wasteful.

I’ve worked in some seriously £££££ places and even in those, where portions are teeny, people leave lots of food. It’s like they make a point of doing it.

So, if I felt strongly enough about waste that I’d have a rant on WhatsApp if people didn’t eat enough, then I’d have suggested a trip out somewhere else.

My ire was directed at the parents not the children and I just wanted to say how I felt for the aunt as it must have been frustrating for her, a kind gesture all gone out the window. No of course the children here cannot help their upbringing but really you don't need children of your own to think warm fuzzy good thoughts towards children generally. In fact a lot of parents can really only be bothered with their own and can quite openly or not so openly dislike other people's kids, more so than anyone I've met without.

I’d never embarrass myself by banging on about something after the event either.
If I seriously had a problem, I’d just chalk it up to experience and make a mental note to never repeat. But carrying on like that after? No way

She wanted to pay and she did. It’s only ‘gone out the window’ because it didn’t happen exactly how she thought it should.
That’s no longer a ‘nice gesture’ imo

Maybe she was disappointed that the parents let it happen? My 10 year old would have eaten his (even at age 2), my 5 year old would never have been bothered but if he didnt have a good go at his protein and veg at least we wouldn't let him have the ice cream.

I absolutely hate food waste and it makes me angry seeing how much some children leave in cafes, restaurants etc.

I realise children have different appetites and may well not eat all their meal but so often there is more left than they ate. Totally wasteful.

If I had a child that was so wasteful I certainly would not be taking them out to eat

Were the children all expected to sit at the table for the meal or were they allowed to to and fro between the play area and the table at their leisure?? If it was the latter this was disrespectful no matter how much the children were interested in the play area - good table manners dictate you sit and eat a meal with your family... if it was the former and they weren’t hungry why were they allowed ice cream if they hadn’t eaten their dinner? Does my head in when kids aren’t taught table manners

No of course the children here cannot help their upbringing but really you don't need children of your own to think warm fuzzy good thoughts towards children generally. In fact a lot of parents can really only be bothered with their own and can quite openly or not so openly dislike other people's kids, more so than anyone I've met without.

Indeed! But if you were one of those people, (to borrow your lovely phrase), who really disliked and had minimal tolerance for children in general, it would be a pretty odd choice to have any of your own. So I was curious 🤷‍♀️.

But anyway, you’ve now said it’s not the children who you were being about. For all I know you’re Mary flipping Poppins irl or like the old woman who lives in a shoe .

Oh so she's also unreasonable for expecting people to bring their children up with manners, to not waste food and appreciate the fact they actually have food on their plates. There's no way I'd have paid for lunch for that shower.

Paying for someone's meal doesn't entitle you to the fulfillment of any of those expectations wrt other people's children.