Family meal out issue. WIBU?

[LettuceBe]

A family member organised an extended family lunch today. We have gatherings two or three times a year. Today there were 12 adults and four children.(I don't have children so none were mine) An aunt received some unexpected money and wanted to pay for it all. It was a chain pub type place so reasonably priced but still incredibly generous of her and offers of payment from some were repeatedly refused before and during the meal.

It went well but all four children aged 2, 3, 4 and 8) barely touched their kids meals(The build your own type when you choose a main and two sides, Dessert is free) There was a huge kids play area so they were more interested in that and left the vast majority of the food. Said Aunt was not pleased and made some remarks about it having to pay for nothing. One parent didn't look pleased but offered to pay for the kids meals.(About£4.95) but Aunt declined. It created a bit of an atmosphere but we finished and left. Aunt left a Whatsapp about enjoying the day and hoping everyone else did too, but that she felt a little taken advantage of because the children didn't eat their meals and none of the other three sets of parents offered to pay for the uneaten meals. Understandably it didn't go down well.

So who was being unreasonable here?

I didn't change the story. I just read(on whatsapp) that eldest child had an adult carvery. I don't pay that much attention to what kids who aren't mine are ordering, especially when they're at the opposite ends of the tablesThe rest of the menu is set up as a build your own meal layout e.g grilled chicken, fish fingers, pasta, chicken nuggets etc then chips/vegetable rice/mash then corn/carrot sticks/peas/apple slices and I think that's what the others had.

Personally in my aunts situation I'd put it to one side and decide never to offer to cover it again because if you're paying you can't generally dictate what others order and what they eat. It'll probably have blown over by tomorrow anyway.

I think it's poor form for someone else to buy your children meals and

• not check that there is extra charges (e.g. the starters)
• order an adult alternative as the child one is "too small"
• let the kids pick at food and not eat.
• let someone else pay after the meals have been left.

I don't think your auntie is unreasonable at all - she probably paid begrudgingly because she said she would, but was annoyed (i think rightly) when she got home. It's thoughtless of the adults imo

That doesn't sound like the poor fare people on here are making it out to be ha.

I think your aunt had every right to be annoyed but she shouldn't have bothered messaging and falling out over it. Life's too short

Prequelle as voddie says you teach that at home, not at a chain pub with play area/ soft play. You take kids to those so they can go and play while adults chat, it's the only reason there is to go to them!

Learning to behave appropriately to the setting and instinctively realise whether you are somewhere formal or informal is part of socialisation. Rigidly enforcing identical rules in every situation is counterproductive. 360 data year children probably/ hopefully eat a proper meal at the table at home. That's where they learn which order to eat in.

The parents of said kids should have made the decision of whether their child would bother eating a meal (especially if there's a play area involved) before ordering.
My son who is 2 tends to just want everyone else's so when we eat out we don't even bother ordering him a meal although I do feel like people are judging me as a stingy cow but I know he just won't touch it. I'll order something he enjoys and he'll eat what he wants from mine on a plastic plate I have in his bag. When eating somewhere with a play area I know for sure he won't bother eating at all and to be prepared to have to cook him a meal when we get home.
I would have felt embarrassed if my child had a meal someone else was paying for and they didn't touch it but as said above, I would have taken the decision not to order anything for him

Yes of course you teach at home, and some things need to be instilled outside of the home.

Obviously kids aren't going to be expected to sit quietly in a play area meal setting as they would in quieter cafe, that's learning environmental ques for socialisation- but we aren't talking about that. We are talking about eating your food before you have ice cream. It's not that deep.

Anyway I'm sure we both have better things to talk about then this circular argument.

Depends. I would expect mine to be sat at the table while eating, not running to play area and they wouldnt have got nice cream without an attempt at a main.

Very wasteful of patents to order kids starters and allow an adult main and then not ensure the kids ate it.

No 2 and 3 year olds are going to get through 3 courses in a pub with a play area.

Greedy and unnecessary. That was actually taking advantage of her

It really isn't. Lots of parents and kids manage it.

The existence of a play area suggests an expectation that young kids may get bored. In a restaurant with no such distraction it’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to sit and eat. But, a play area-shaped carrot has been dangled, so off they go.

In truth I wouldn’t have ordered separate food for the 2 and 3 year olds, just given them a bit of mine.

So aunt feels because she was paying some kids parents took advantage- ordering extra starters for kids, adult meal for 8 yr old who didn't even eat it, nachos. I can see why shes a little put out

Aunt is being U. And her generosity paying for the meal will now be forgotten and replaced with how U and silly (in my opinion) she's been to comment on what the kids did or didn't eat.

Again, I'm near positive that no one ordered the nachos, though she may have a point(possibly) about the adult carvery. I think it's safe to say that we'll be ordering separately in future.

Children should have eaten their meals before ANY play. And no ice cream unless effort made to eat the food.

I probably wouldn't have whats apped but I would have thought the children/ parents were ungrateful.

If children cannot eat out then parents shouldnt bring them.

Very wasteful of patents to order kids starters and allow an adult main and then not ensure the kids ate it.

Yes with this update your aunt is now NBU. If it had been a bog standard kids meal then its the minimum your allowed to order and they would have had order one meal per person whether they ate it or not as a condition to eat there. To add all the extra bits and then not make an effort to get the kids to eat it is taking advantage.

Aunt needs to wind her neck in and take notes for next time round.
What she is doing is passive aggressive and does not show her in a good light.

She is wrong to suggest people should finish their plates because of gratitude or because someone else is paying. She offered to pay for meals so she needs to suck this one up on that basis.

The children, apart from the oldest, are still pretty young to be predictable as to amount eaten. But it is very predictable that a play area would be tempting, so their parents should have taken that into account when deciding what to order.

Was the 8 year old the leader when it came to leaving for the play area? Or did he or she stay at the table most of the time?
Did the parents let children of 2, 3, and 4 off to play on their own with only CCTV to monitor them (essentially leaving it to the restaurant staff to monitor them)?

Overall I think the aunt is the more unreasonable here because people offered to pay but she refused, and she is the one being really rude now, with the WhatsApp nonsense.

God your aunt is so rude. And behaving terribly.

If you tell people you are going to pay you don't then whinge like a stuck pig after about who ate what or who ordered friggen nachos. How awful of her.

I strongly recommend no one lets this woman pay ever again. She's horrid.

The father of the eldest was ridiculous, but it’s pretty embarrassing for aunt to make a deal out of it.

This is why I hate it when people offer to pay for our food. Let me buy the food because I’m not really bothered if my kids eat in a play area but I will buy them something so if they want to they can nibble. They’re my kids and that’s my decision tbh and they eat fine at home btw. Mine rarely eat at parties either would much rather play then eat tea at home later, because gosh! People have different ways of living

Your aunt is being embarrassing and petty, one of the parents should drop the cash through her letterbox and be done with it, if I was one of the parents I probably wouldn’t bother going next time

Q. who spoiled the pleasant family meal?

A. the Aunt! But she is now feeling bitter about the whole experience AND the whole thing cost her £240 ha karma.

DO NOT accept any further 'generous' offers that transmogrify into sticks she can hit you with.

Both.

The aunt for offering to pay then complaining when it's not ate. And especially being wanky and doing it in a group WhatsApp.

The parents because they should've at least got the children to have some. I wouldn't expect they would eat it all but at least have a sausage/handful of chips/few scoops of pasta.

I think it's lazy parenting to not at least try - but if the aunt was expecting especially the younger ones to sit and eat all their meal completely sensibly then she's likely forgot what it's like having children.

If I was the parents I'd just insist in future that I paid and any waste is used on them.

Very wasteful of patents to order kids starters and allow an adult main and then not ensure the kids ate it.

No 2 and 3 year olds are going to get through 3 courses in a pub with a play area.

Greedy and unnecessary. That was actually taking advantage of her

Exactly!

So aunt feels because she was paying some kids parents took advantage- ordering extra starters for kids, adult meal for 8 yr old who didn't even eat it, nachos. I can see why shes a little put out

Also agree with this

If that was my child, I’d stick a cheque in the post and make a mental note never to meet her for a meal again.

You either pay or you don’t, if people are offering to pay and you turn them down you can’t then spend days afterwards bitching about how much people ate.