Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

8 hours? Are you sure he was putting up the blind that entire time? Do not go with him tomorrow, but I suspect that if you don't go he will feel too ill to go and stay at home.

OP I'm within an hour of you, I'd love to meet up! You sound terrific and interesting.

You say your “life never really began”.
This unhealthy relationship is a big part of that.
You are smart & sweet & strong. Everyone here is cheering for you.

Don’t go to his mums

And all because you watered the garden wrong, in his eyes, aka the straw that broke the camels back. It's always something seemingly small but it comes after years of huge things one has let go.

There's nothing wrong with this man. He's not stressed. He's not tired. He's not any of the other hit. He's making it all up to control you. He didn't want kids as that gives you something else in your life and eventually they'd see what a twat their father is. You wouldn't be able to give him 100% pandering, attention, when there a nappy to change or a shoe lace to tie.

Don't go to your PIL today. I remember the first time I refused to go to mine for lunch. She sent a plated meal back. The world didn't end. They were disappointed but it was best for me and I never put me first. It's a learning curve and I'm getting on it. Starting therapy again this week.

You're far too good for him. While he's out start looking fir somewhere to live. Move into the spare room. Don't lose momentum.

Good luck

Just wanted to say OP that after years of this pandering it is going to feel like a huge deal not going to his mothers.. after all.. "it's Easter!"
But It really isn't a huge deal at all and when you are free you will look back and see it all very clearly.
Not going is a massive step for you and one you should be very very proud of taking, keep in your head that no one is going to die because you didn't go. Deep breath and stay calm, you can do this.

You need a plan.
I think volunteering is a great start. Then if I were you, I’d do some training that leads directly into a job. So something like a healthcare scientist, that once you’re qualified you don’t need previous experience.
You need a proper, long term plan. You can do this.

He didn't want kids as that gives you something else in your life

This is so true. Nothing to do with him not being ready. Having a child would mean he would no longer be the centre of your attention.

Behold...the 8-hour blind and the badly watered yet alive plants!

To update, my MIL phoned me and said she's bought 'our favourite Prosecco' for today and she's double celebrating as it's Easter and she's just retired. She's very lovely so I'd feel double guilty not going so I'm going for her, not for DH. Which feels kinda nice.

And now I'm baking scones to take

DH & I talked again last night after he managed to finish his dinner. (!) I said the marriage, as it exists, isn't working. I said it kindly rather than accusatory, and said this co-dependant dynamic isn't healthy. Again he agreed, he said he thinks he's in a depressed rut. He wants routine again, a job, to move to a nicer house etc.

This is huge for him to admit, but this thread has made me see I have to discard his needs at the moment, he has to focus on his progress and it's okay for me to focus on mine.

I applied for another couple of volunteer roles yesterday evening, and I'm going to go to a mindfulness weekly thing. I'm also researching therapists, and taking on board all the advice given here. I'm being proactive and keeping up momentum.

Can I buy you all a drink, please? It's the least I owe you guys.

Just keep in mind that just because he is saying these things it doesn't then mean you must stay with him.

Especially if you do actually want children.

OP I hope you enjoy your afternoon on your own terms.

More power to your elbow

@Whatsnewpussyhat absolutely. My gut is saying that even if things change, we're still not right for each other.

Pulling that plaster is going to be hard. I'm hoping if I can gain my independence, it'll be clearer and easier.

Good if you enjoy seeing your MIL and you can have fun then go. Can you talk to her about the situation or will she be firmly on his side? If she’s just retired can you and her go to yoga or some sort of class together ?

Sadly she's an hour and half away (leaving shortly) but I would do if she was closer!

I could absolutely talk to her, she's very emotionally sound actually. She's very aware of what he's like, I think she leaves him to it, too.

There's a few things at her house DH has promised to do (10 years and counting) and he still hasn't. She won't put her foot down about it and he won't make it a priority.

It's a bone of contention between them but she lets it go because she wants to see him.

Oh fuck, it reads like we all pander to him to keep the peace. But it's true. It's not like he'll explode, he just goes withdrawn and gets 'stressed'.

Maybe I could insist he stays at his Mum's next week to do those jobs he promised to sort at hers now the weather is good...if I had a word with her she'd back me up.

Pulling that plaster is going to be hard. I'm hoping if I can gain my independence, it'll be clearer and easier.
You can do this OP. No "If" about it!

Maybe I could insist he stays at his Mum's next week to do those jobs he promised to sort at hers now the weather is good...if I had a word with her she'd back me up.
That's a good idea. It also gives you some valuable "me" space at home where you can relax and move things forward without him there being hurt/stressed/annoyed/judgmental etc. You will be stronger for it.

Your garden looks nice! 🌺

An hour and a half is only 45 mins each of you both are willing to travel a bit. Would get you both out and maybe introduce you both to different people. If you’re where I think you are pick an nice town or village in between you and find out what’s on there make it a weekly or bi weekly thing.

I would tentatively recommend this thread also
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

Hi op
Have you tried yoga or a body balance class?
You would meet new friends and the relaxation part at the e nd helps you to stay positive and focus on yourself.

Your bucket-watered plants look great!
Yes! Have your mil keep him for a week!

This is worse than arguing ...
"It's not like he'll explode, he just goes withdrawn and gets 'stressed'"

OP I would rather a heated debate argument than to be quietly controlled.

It sounds as though you are ready to talk about moving on. I'm wondering if his mum will sense this and understand as she sounds fairly balanced.

He’s a master manipulator. He’s in control of everything and everyone

@Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon That would be great!

@Eustasiavye Yes I did summon the courage to do one yoga class in February and really enjoyed it. I felt bad going back as I wasn't as good as everyone else and I felt guilty about spending the cost of the class on myself.

Another update this morning, had a nice day yesterday at MIL's. DH thanked me for coming with him, he said he really appreciated it.

So, this morning...progress! I've sat down with the empty calendar and said really positively 'right hon, so when are you going back to your mum's to do those jobs? Be great to get them done!' (He has lot of his stuff stored there for the last fifteen years that he needs to go through).

He was initially really defensive, got stressed and overwhelmed, and this is the point I always drop it.

But I didn't. I said it would actually do me a massive favour if he went and sorted those things by himself because I need some time to myself. That getting better from my anxiety with the CBT means I need some time to do things by myself and learn some coping strategies on my own so we're less co-dependent. I told him that I meant it when I said things have got to change, and if he wants the marriage to work then this is the first step.

He's come around! I'm so shocked. He was quiet, I left him to think while I put some washing on (I'm literally finding anything stuff to wash, the weather is so good for outdoor drying - the cushion covers are getting it today) and he's decided to go on Wednesday. He said he'll be at least a week and he'll see his friends while he's there (they're close to his Mum's, where he grew up).

I feel good but a bit mixed. Was I being overbearing and controlling by sort of forcing him to go? I feel empowered to have voiced what I really need, but at the same time this is the longest we'll be apart for...years! I've got nothing planned so maybe I should organise one or two things?

Thanks everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful and chocolate-filled Easter Sunday. :)

That is an amazing update. Well done!
No, you were not overbearing, you did not ‘force’ him to go. You made a courageous attempt to salvage your marriage.

Even if you don’t ‘do’ anything with the week he is away, you will have some time to think, to maybe organise a job/voluntary work and to get some space from him.

Brilliant! Not overbearing in the least!!! Use this time to do anything you want to do!!!
Loft needing cleared/tidied
Get some music on your phone and go for a walk
Coffee with friends or alone with a good book
Binge watch tv
Get your hair done/nails etc

Oops posted too soon!
Do ANYTHING you want to do!!!!
Enjoy this time alone, think how you want to move forward in your marriage/life in general....it’s yours for taking OP.