Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

Enjoy your time alone. You deserve it! Take it as a chance to find you. What Dyou like doing. What you want to do..but and it’s a big but. Make a point of going out each day and speaking to someone be it a shop keeper another walker just step a bit outside your comfort zone. Find a class that’s on this week and go along you can’t feel guilty about leaving him so you will have time to enjoy it. Well done.

I'm not blaming anyone, but clearly caving into him every time hasn't done him any favours.

I wonder if he really is a 'master manipulator' or if it's almost fallen that way because he really can't cope when things appear 'out of control', so everyone's fallen into the habit of appeasing him (his mother does it too) and it's all turned into an out-of-control downward spiral?

It may feel a bit odd at first to be so free, but it will be very good for you!

How much stuff is there to do that he will be gone a week? Or is it just that he will take an obscene amount of time like the blind?

I think you should ask/email around locally to see if you could do a voluntary shift or two in a charity shop/church/other voluntary work while he's gone. Then you can see what it's like and throw yourself into it without the pressure of knowing he is twiddling his thumbs at home waiting for you.

I would've waterboarded him in the bucket...

I suggest you mirror his behaviour. When he's making a cup of tea next direct him and suggest things and hover. When he gets angry say that you are doing precisely what he does and isn't it annoying?

It doesn't have to be in a snarky way, some people are just blinkered unless they're personally affected. Iused to do this with my XH when he'd 'pop out' constantly when I had a newborn. I started plonking the baby on him and 'popping out' too, and it got the message through.

You sound like a Mum managing her pre-teen son!

Whatever the future holds working on yourself can only be a good thing.

I'm not blaming anyone, but clearly caving into him every time hasn't done him any favours.

Maybe you're right. My nature as a bit of a pushover (and believing everyone else's opinions and needs trump my own) with his aversion to responsibility have perhaps created this enmeshed relationship where he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't fancy doing. Then as you do less, you have less confidence. By not asserting myself at all maybe he sees me as needing direction when I don't.

I'll look forward now though; I've made a list of things I can do while he's away (and put all your suggestions on it!) and I'll make sure I get out every day to do something.

Do you think time will tell whether DH is actually abusively manipulative or if we're just both in a crappy rut? What would any warning signs be? He's been in a good mood all day, he's even sorted through a load of old paperwork that's been sitting there. I'm amazed that suddenly his tiredness and headaches aren't getting in the way. Maybe we both needed a fresh start.

I've been less productive, baking banana muffins, sweet potato brownies and painting...

Your comment OP about not doing stuff a person doesn’t fancy means the less confidence they have to get anything done really chimed with me ... about my DSCs. I let it go now as they’re not my DCs but over the years it’s driven me mad that they do less and less of anything. And never stuff they decide they don’t want to do or stuff they think they’ll get wrong.

Your DH does sound like he’s never quite made it to full adulthood and is stuck at the teenage stage. Perhaps you bring more assertive will be a turning point where he discovers he can do quite a lot for himself. Good luck.

If I lived near you Only, I’d love to be your friend, you sound funny and warm and kind. I wish you all the best with your life plans.

I only wanted to say, please don’t feel bad or guilty as you “detach with love” from any responsibility for your husbands moods or stress. They are his to deal with as you are doing with yours.

How is your DH free week going Op?

@OnlyTrying that doesn't sound unproductive at all, sounds lovely

Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. Make a list of his most bossy tendencies & sulks and things he has said. He could very well have gone out of line, he sounds controlling and nit-picky. I don't think that's a rut, I think that's his personality

As for whether he's abusive, I don't think anyone can make that call without being there / knowing a lot more about what goes on. He's certainly tipping over into that category

Apologies for not updating sooner - I have been thoroughly enjoying the time to myself! The first day DH left I felt like a spare part in my own house, it was very odd. But then I settled in. I got out every day, and suddenly felt 'oh shit, this is what normal life feels like. This is bloody nice.' Hardly any anxiety.

DH got back yesterday, is it awful I didn't miss him? I could have happily had another week alone...felt so nice to just make my own decisions and not worry about him. He was really positive about it all, so hopefully this is a turning point for him too.

I've heard back from a volunteer job I applied for and they've sent off for my references. It's a few hours a week at an outreach center just answering the phones, I'm hoping it'll get my confidence up.

I'm researching going back to uni to do an MA to re-train in a new field too, (not sure what yet) so I'm thoroughly focusing on the future.

I don't think I'd have turned this corner without the thread - you're all ace. Thank you.

Sounds to me like you’re stuck in a rut. Hard to say without knowing you but I probably wouldn’t call it abusive, mainly because now you’re asserting yourself he is listening and agreeing. I think if he meant to be controlling he would have flown into a rage or tried to gaslight you.

Still, just because a relationship isn’t intentionally abusive doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Communication and listening to each other (and by that I mean listening, not obeying) is absoutely central and you both seem to be doing a bit more of that so well done.

Still, just because a relationship isn’t intentionally abusive doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Yes, completely. And even without the element of abuse, two people can still be unhealthy/bad for each other.

It's so hard to admit - but there's an iota of thinking that I might be happier without him. The time without him certainly made me see how capable I am, and that I'd almost forgotten myself. But I don't think he would be happier. Urg.

Crossed post! Glad to hear your update! Really sounds positive, well done!

Oops crossed post again! I did get the feeling from your posts that you wanted to hear us tell you to leave. And that’s okay, maybe this is the wakeup call. Maybe it’s the wakeup call for change- and how drastic that change needs to be will become clear as you progress?

Dear OP

I have so enjoyed watching this thread (and you!) develop! From what started out as an AIBU, has resulted in you doing a degree. Whoop woo to that!

So many LTB OPs follow any good advice (which has been plentiful on here I must say) with 'yes but...,' and 'I can't because...' which is exhausting and exasperating for the advice-givers. You, on the other hand, are taking it all on board and making unbelievably good progress already! The outpouring of love on here is a reflection on you, so take it and run with it!

Look at yourself! What an amazing woman you are. Good luck in making the changes to your relationship and blossoming into the spectacular person you deserve to be.

(Your unwatered flowers are a metaphor for your life - just look at 'em grow! )

PS. If you squeeze the end of the hose you get a phenomenal jet, which is perfect for aiming just at the nape of the neck

Pleased to read your update - well done for focusing on your future.

Congratulations on getting your shit together OP. I hope you can keep the strength it’s taken to get this far topped up- keep looking after yourself.

@OnlyTrying If you think you would be happier without him, that's what matters. The fact that he wouldn't be happier isn't important - he clearly doesn't make your happiness a priority.

Sounds to me like he's one of those men who will never be happy anyhow. With themselves, their lives, the state of the world and so on. It's exhausting

Thanks for the update- which appears to be the start of many good things for you!

So happy to read your update OnlyTrying 💐

But I don't think he would be happier.

The sooner this ceases to be a factor in your thinking, the better.

It isn't your job to keep someone else happy, just like it isn't someone else's job to keep you happy. A partner should add to your life, not make it more difficult.

I just wanted to pop back to update how things are - I started my new volunteer role this week and I LOVED it. I'm now applying for another volunteer job for even more experience, and I enrolled on a short online course in a subject I've been interested in for a while.

DH has been really supportive and we had a date night, actually going OUT for a film and a meal. Who knew something so normal was so nice?! He's now suggested a weekend away in London to visit a few galleries. He's also started applying for jobs. I wish there was a shock emoticon that suitably represented my face!

More (most) importantly, my plants are doing amazingly. And the new lawn seed is growing! Who knew my awful watering was working?! I've pointed it out to DH several times.

As I make a cuppa in the morning, every morning, I look towards the plants and think about all the support and kindness I received and I face the day confident and positive.

for all. And . And .