Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

I hate being told to do something differently.

It’s YOUR mini garden. He needs to fuck off and make his own garden to control.

My god what a way to live your life is held hostage by your husband's moods! Who the hell wouldn't have anxiety and low self esteem?

He's apologised, but with a caveat. Namely, I should have realised he was being helpful and not told him he was micro managing. I should 'know' he's not controlling and if it happens again I should say 'bugger off' and not 'quit micro managing'.

Well maybe next time he shouldn't bloody micro manage you! At least he's (half) apologised. I'd hold him to it though and tell him to bugger off next time.

He sounds like a knob and a controlling one at that. Get a backbone and stand up to him

Wow he’s even trying to micro-manage how you should respond to him!

You say he would explode if you do the same - you absolutely should. Stop walking on eggshells. Let him understand how he’s treating you - things will either improve massively or get worse and show you that it’s unsustainable.

I’m not surprised you think you’re nothing without him when he’s convinced you that you can’t even water some flowers.

Didn't he have anything useful to do, instead of sticking his nose in where it wasn't wanted?

I need to work on me, I just feel I'm nothing without this marriage

I can't get past this sentence. Yes, you definitely need to work on yourself if you feel you would be nothing without this controlling, manipulative twat in your life! Probably it would be just the opposite and you would be someone very special if you were allowed to think and do things in your own way without criticism.

Christ I couldn't live like that. Is there more to your marriage than your codependency and feeling worthless without the marriage?

He's apologised, but with a caveat. Namely, I should have realised he was being helpful and not told him he was micro managing. I should 'know' he's not controlling and if it happens again I should say 'bugger off' and not 'quit micro managing'.

So he's micro-managing both your acceptance of his "apology" and your future behaviour. He sounds exhausting and I can see how he has undermined your confidence in yourself by criticising everything you do and them blaming you when you aren't suitably grateful for his 'help'. Please don't stay and let him grind you down any more - you sounds like you've got enough fight to tell him to fuck off, so use it while you can.

I've finally got the baby to go to sleep.on me and I'm.trying not to move a muscle and then I read a post where people are saying 'I would have watered him' and now I'm trying not to giggle! Damn you PPs!!!!

I had a very controlling, toxic DM (he knows that) so I always second guess myself and believe I'm just being too sensitive and he's a nice guy.

I just want to live a life. I feel like I have to make sure he's okay, all the time.

No kids, no pets, because he'd be too stressed out. I believe him when he says we're not in the right place, or the right time.

Thank you so much for the replies, I was prepared for a flaming.

In that case you need to gave a serious think about what you want from life. Do you want kids or pets, or other things? Because if you do, might be decision time.

How old are you op

He is not kind.

Google Lundy Bancroft “Mr Sensitive”.

How old are you both? How long have you been married?

Please don’t waste the rest of your life on this man.

With all due respect, all you have done is replaced your mother with this man.

There is only one way for you to be yourself and it isn't with him. You are spending your life pandering to this man and doing as you are told because he'd explode.
Are you scared of him?

Do YOU want children or pets? I bet he's one of those who are never ready for kids until you are to old to have them. It's just more control op.

You know it. You can see it. He is controlling everything about you.

In that case you need to gave a serious think about what you want from life.

In terms of kids (and even pets) we have talked, and talked and talked he keeps saying he's not ready. Now his concerns have rubbed off on me and I'm not sure what I want anymore.

@Quartz2208 I'm 35 - been with DH for 10 years now.

To be honest I wouldn't have watered with a bucket as it would drown the plants and not let the water gently soak in.

Also... I would have waited until about 6 or 7 to give a proper water (water a little when planting) so that the plants weren't scorched

So next time he does the pegging out wrong tell him. Take some pegs and show him the right way (your way) how can he learn if he’s not shown ! If he looses his cool then just tell him it’s exactly like you watering the plants “wrong” he sounds like a controlling bully who has worn you down. I’d have turn the hose on him as well.

This sort of shit is why I am staying single forever.

@Whatsnewpussyhat can someone be controlling, but in a sort of nice way? He says he couldn't live without me and I'm everything he needs. (He has no friends/hobbys and is naturally quite s hermit, I've become isolated too).

I still think maybe I'm the problem. He's a good listener when I'm having anxiety, very generous (anything I wanted, but I'm not materialistic) and he does love me.

@Bringbackbertha thank you for your tips! I'll do that next time.

Stop being a bloody doormat and stand up for yourself.
Do you honestly believe you are not capable of chucking a bit of water on a garden without interference?
He needs to be properly put in his place.