Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

I believe him when he says we're not in the right place, or the right time.

He's right, you're definitely not in the right place.

Somewhere away from him would definitely be better.

Please go and get a job. Any job. Anything to get you out, get your own money and meet new people.

Then make a plan.

www.thepoetryexchange.co.uk/uncategorized/the-journey-by-mary-oliver/

I'm looking at local jobs and volunteering roles now (lunch break from the garden).

I sorted myself lunch & left DH to it. He's still on the blind.

I have a heavy, tight and anxious knot in my stomach at the thought of change but I know I have to do it. I'll set myself a goal of reaching out to at least one organisation for volunteering.

I hope everyone is really enjoying the sun today, it's gorgeous out there.

@exexpat oh wow. I adore Mary Oliver, out of all the pieces you could post, that's...really quite significant. Thank you.

And because it's not normal for people of 35 and 47 not to work, and it's not at all good for them!

OP, you sound so lovely. As absolutely everyone else has said, please try to get out there and find the things you were meant to do, because I'd put a lot of money on them not involved sitting around at home being criticised by a manipulative manchild.

Ce7913, nailed it.

Thanks for posting that poem exexpat, I love it. It's perfect.

It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, from Alice Sebold's memoir:

"No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

Save yourself, OP. You can't save your husband. Only he can do that, and only if he wants to.

The year I graduated...he left his job

What a coincidence...

Please keep going with what you are doing Only, your post gave me shivers because my in-laws have a relationship very like yours. My FIL is controlling under the guise of concern and he absolutely micromanages everything my MIL does. He's chipped away at her confidence and self-esteem to make her think she's lucky to have him when in fact he's the lucky one. He told her for years she wouldn't be able to learn to drive, when she finally ignored him and passed her test (first time!) she bought herself a little car. He chipped away at that until he'd convinced her they only needed one car so she sold it and now he won't let her drive anywhere in 'his' car on her own - all phrased as worry and concern. If she goes out to see friends it's always commented on, that he's lonely without her, that all he wants to do is spend time with her. It's truly awful. He gets immensely stressed at the slightest thing and has health problems too so now everything has to be 'managed' so as not to make his health worse. They are in their 70s and it's worse than ever, please don't let this be your life.

Oh, good time to mention he decided to re-organise my bedside draws last month?

He said he was trying to find an odd sock when putting washing away and he ended up eagerly 'sorting' three drawers of my bras, socks and underwear.

I told him, very nicely, that he crossed a line. To be fair he was very sheepish and apologetic. He also used to go into my bag and remove things or add things he thinks I should or shouldn't have (removes my brolly if it's a sunny day, adds my gloves if it's cold).

Oh God writing that, I'm cringing. After he removed something I actually bloody needed, I told him my bag is mine and he doesn't do it now.

But it's like he feels entitled to do as he wants, as he sees fit, so everything is 'right'. It's stressing me out and to be honest he's stressing himself.

I can't be part of this dynamic anymore. It's a batshit crazy planet I've found myself living on. And it's like I just woke up.

All because I was watering the plants wrong.

You both really need jobs or something else in your life. Of course you can only make that choice for yourself and he has to make his own.

What a gem you are OnlyTrying. Clever and funny and warm and capable. Keep that alarm on, keep watering the garden any bloody way you want. there's a whole world out there that's just going to adore you.

@BrillyPribble that hit home.

If she goes out to see friends it's always commented on, that he's lonely without her, that all he wants to do is spend time with her.

That's my DH. As soon as I'm home, it's 'did you miss me?' And he's managed to spend three hours vacuuming to keep busy while I'm gone.

He gets immensely stressed at the slightest thing and has health problems too

This is what I struggle with most. He says he's supported me through my past trauma by being a good listener so why can't I support him when he is tired and has his headaches. I feel like I'm being utterly selfish to think rather than a three hour nap can you put the fucking shelf up please. So I swallow it up, make him his favourite lunch, and quietly die inside.

He's had so many tests (ECG, hormone, thyroid, vitamins, minerals, CT scan) because I insisted he get checked out for the fatigue and headaches but the DR said he's actually really healthy and fit.

The Dr thinks it's psychological, so I feel a duty to do as he wishes to keep stress to a minimum. But it's getting worse.

Unfortunately you can’t mend him. Or keep him from stresses, he has to deal with his own problems.

You do know that don’t you? I mean really know that?

I would think about talking therapy alongside the cbt. Because of your childhood you have ended up co-dependant and the saviour of him, there are reasons for that which you should explore with a professional.

And do some more writing. You’re really good at it!

OP, I have read the thread and you are great - a really funny, nice and obviously clever woman. Are you still having counselling?
You are in the prime of your life and have so much to offer. You need to get yourself out into the world and make some friends who value you and believe me, people will want to be your friend.
Where do you live? I would defo be your pal.

You might want children one day,free yourself from him and go be happy.

I would think about talking therapy alongside the cbt. Absolutely. I used to think it was shoite but it has changed my life.

What does he actually do all day?

If you worked part time you probably wouldn't earn enough to pay tax anyway.

Keep going. Enough is enough. He is not your responsibility. He is a grown man.

Life rarely goes to plan but now is the time for you to be completely selfish.
Once you start the ball rolling the momentum will pull you along. Each decision will become easier to make as you start trusting yourself.

Only, may I make a recommendation? Have you ever heard of a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron? It's sort of workbook that you use to unlock creative blocks. It might be something immediate you could start just for yourself while you're looking for outside activities. It's primarily about getting over writer's block, or any artistic block, but actually, I have found it a very helpful way to shift my thinking, which is not an easy thing to achieve.

He’s broke.
You’re not.
You’re not responsible for fixing him.
Don’t let him keep draining you. He’s an emotional vampire.

Sometimes it’s one little thing that finally pushes you over the edge. (Micro managing watering the garden.) There’s no point climbing that cliff again and again for the rest of your life, each time he pushes you over you fall that little bit further.

You do know that don’t you? I mean really know that?

I'm starting to see it, I'm re-reading and re-reading to soak it all in.

What does he actually do all day?

I can't even write it down. Urg. Not a lot. He finds doing/thinking/planning stressful. His favourite things: walking (with me) cake (baked by me) and sleeping (preferably with me close by). And I thought I didn't have children!

He used to have hobbies. He's served in the forces, he had such an interesting life when I met him, I thought he was super adventurous but now I know him I think he's just gone with the flow and been lucky with a few opportunities. He's fallen into things.

Anything that happens is planned by me. He'd be happy to sit in one place, grow roots from his ankles and become an Old Oak Sofa.

While I'd quite like to scream. For a very, very long time.

I will research counselling. My (NHS) CBT therapist is okay, but the session is limited. It's hard to get deep under the issues to understand them. If I say 'I'm dying inside' she'll say 'no no, remember your mindfulness'!

I'm half way through my gardening, DH is still upstairs putting the blind up.

I've applied for a volunteer job.

Where do you live? I would defo be your pal.
That really made me smile! Probably outing but at this point I feel so invested in changing that I'm past being outed - I'm in the Cotswolds area. Think famous races.

I'm a good friend. I made a really good cherry cake and I love gin. I'm a good listener and I likely won't notice if you take advantage. I'd probably feel privileged to drive you around, babysit your lovely kids and walk your dogs. Here all day, every day.

Ofcourse, dear Only, you have to be prepared fpr the backlash tonight and tomorrow:
He will be actually ill from all that hard work of putting on the blind. He won’t understand what he has done to deserve such treatment from you. What has come over you? What has he done? You used to be such a sweet person, he does not recognise you any more.
And he will be so ill! And he cannot do without you. He might even threaten suicide.
And you will feel so guilty, because it is all your fault.

Just like a good girl guide: BE PREPARED.

He says he couldn't live without me and I'm everything he needs. (He has no friends/hobbys and is naturally quite s hermit, I've become isolated too)

Sorry, OP but this sounds like emotional abuse. And did you know that "Coercive control" is now a crime - it's seen as much a version of domestic abuse as actually hitting you.

I wish I lived nearer to you - you seem lovely!

Just wanted to pop in and agree about the need to be prepared for the backlash: he will feel stressed and miserable and will blame you.

Earlier you said:
I don't know why but I feel like 'yeah, sure, that'll last a week.'
And I think you know this because that’s been your previous experience.

Well done with all your moving forward! Stay strong and don’t let him snatch it away from you.