Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

OP -you sound awesome. Keep that alarm bell ringing...

you may want to read this thread - the OP is similarly disentangling herself from a complex relationship and recognising how she lost sight of herself along the way. Its the second part but I'm sure there is a link to the first thread... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2

Similarly, you may want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to relationships - you've had loads of brilliant advice and I know others who frequent the relationships board would pop along too.

Might be a good idea to get some advice from a solicitor, get those ducks in a row, it will make you feel a little bit stronger and a little better prepared.

Good luck with your volunteer role!

I'm a good friend. I made a really good cherry cake and I love gin.
I'd love to be your friend. 😁 I love cherries, am currently pining for cake and like a long gin and tonic on a warm day. Sadly I'm too far from you but am with you in spirit! 

Good luck with the job/volunteer roles - both important steps out of your cage.

I was going to say exactly what @Auntpetunia2015 said. Turn it back on him.

I just wanted to mention that although many people wish they didn’t gave to work to pay the bills, having a job is more than just a wage.

Thanks to everyone, honestly the thread has got me through the day. I've gardened, washed two loads of washing, applied for a volunteer job and done a batch cook of Thai curry.

I feel a real heaviness (and truth) that DH and I aren't the right partners for each other.

I'm not going to have the future I hoped with him, and he'd only be going along with whatever I did put my foot down about so as not to lose me completely.

He's still doing the blind, hardly spoke all day.

@onlytrying

If you like writing have you considered joining a theatre group? I know there are lots in your area and you may find you are able to write scripts or get involved with the creative side of it.

Op if you PM your address I could send you a copy of the 'living with the dominator' book used in the freedom programme- think it'd help you

I reckon I could have driven to your house, put the bloody blind up and then back home to make the kid's tea in the time it's taken him to put it up!

I do hope you start volunteering. New people, new conversations and something to put on your nice updated CV.

@Bringbackbertha that's a great idea thanks. I'll Google.

We're meant to be going to his mother's for lunch tomorrow. I just can't face it. Never, not once, have I ever not gone with him to a family event.

I just asked him if he minded if I didn't go with him tomorrow. He said "Fine. I do mind, but I can't force you."

And now he's left his dinner.

Is it really that awful of me to put me first? I feel ridiculously selfish. I just thought with him at his mums I could have a rare few hours to myself. A bit of breathing space. We went over last month so it's not like its been long.

This feels bloody horrible.

@Whatsnewpussyhat I know! It took him 8 hours. EIGHT HOURS. Everything he does has to be done perfectly. Measured twenty times. Looked at. Measured another twenty times. I admire his attention to detail and ethic, I do. But there is no flexibility. No give.

And now he's... Not eating his dinner at you to punish you? Jesus. What a baby.

Hold firm OP. You deserve some time alone.

Yep, here comes the sulking, the emotional blackmail, can't eat because you're no longer following orders and he's pissed off.

With any luck he might fuck off to bed with a headache so you can water the garden incorrectly in peace

I just asked him if he minded if I didn't go with him tomorrow. He said "Fine. I do mind, but I can't force you."

And now he's left his dinner.

Just like a sulky toddler.

This is the only life you’ve got. It’s time you had the chance to live it.

Hi op I'm late to the thread.
I read what you said about your oh.
Please listen to the wise posters here.
Yesterday dd1s bf opened my bag and looked in by mistake. Total mistake as all the family were out together and all the women had similar looking bags. Dd1s bf had put his wallet in dd1s bag. Well I told him straight that even dp does not go in my bag without my permission- ever.
Your dp is overstepping a line there.
I definately would do voluntary work.
Ask local charity shops and start with one day/a few hours a week.
If that's not an option try a local hospice or hospital.
It will give you confidence and you will enjoy it.

Everything he does has to be done perfectly. Measured twenty times. Looked at. Measured another twenty times

I'm starting to see why he doesn't work. There are jobs where this would be an asset but in most he would just need to get on with it and do a 'good enough' job. He is really in need of help too, but he isn't ready to accept any and work on himself, and you are. It's like the advice about how you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, not stop to help others with theirs.

Dear OP, please think long and hard about what you want for you. So much of what you have written reminded me of my mum and dad. Like your partner my father had been in the forces... she waited to decorate when he came home on his first leave so he would feel it was his home. He told her it was his holiday and she should have done it before he came back. After that my mum did all the painting and wall papering.

I hated the weekends because we walked on eggshells, would dad sulk and take to his bed, in which case we had to be quiet. My mother always tried to protect us by going along with everything my father wanted for an easier life. She was a cradle Catholic so divorce was not an option but when he died, she blossomed, she travelled, got a job and independence.

You should never feel managed or uncomfortable in your own home. Live your own life, He has little bed it for you for long enough.

Oops, he has lived it for you for long enough. Apologies for the autocorrect.

You’re doing well 🌷

Do NOT go tomorrow!

You are so funny. I love the way you write, you’re wasted not writing. Honestly. I’m not just making it up to cheer you up.

I live 2 hours from you, I’m a complete fucking perfectionist and NO diy guru, but I too could have driven to you, had tea & cake, put the blind up, had a small gin and be home in less time than he just put the blind up 🤣

Now he’s not eating dinner because you’re not going to mummy’s with him. Dear god. It’s a wonder he’s not fertilising the fucking plants..😱

It took him 8 hours

Oh. Yes, FIL does that too. It takes him hours and hours longer than anyone else would to do a job. It once took him one entire day to hang one door. No one else is allowed to do DIY jobs though because they don't do it to his high imaginary standards. MIL has to dance attendance on him while he does a job, fetching and carrying. It's just another control thing presented as a 'good' attribute. I bet you couldn't complain about how long he'd spent on the blind could you? Or do it yourself? Because he's doing a good thing and he just wants to get it right. Control, control, control

Jesus. I'm so glad you've got that alarm bell ringing, op. I suggest changing your phone background to a ringing bell or something just as a visual cue to yourself, just in case you fall back into the FOG (everyone does, from time to time). I went out with a depressing life force sucker for 8 months and it was horrific; I can't imagine how 10 years must feel

Do not go to his mother’s tomorrow!!!! This is is just the start of your new life!!! I want to reach through this phone and pull you out to the ‘other side’ there’s a whole world out there.....listen! It’s calling you......

National Trust places are nice to volunteer at.

Ah op I'd love to be your friend. I probably live too far though

Only just returning to this thread, sorry your gardening watering was actually the tip of the ice berg. (And I was actually happy to read something fairly mundane that I’d grumble over with my DH 🤦‍♀️ Sorry!)

You said about a future without him in an earlier comment, you speculated about being able to have children soon and I wanted to offer some reassurance. Various fertility issues meant I thought I’d never be a mother which was hard BUT I became happy with the companionship of a beloved doggy. Honestly, I love my dog so much - it’s not the same biological love as of my (eventual) child but it was fulfilling and I knew no other. She’s still my baby and gets just as much attention as my child. I hope this isn’t offensive to you but hopefully reassuring that a beloved pet can be equally fulfilling. So if that’s a worrying thought that you can take some comfort.

I hope you can enjoy some alone time tomorrow and he doesn’t cancel even going out at all, which would be frustrating.

No real guidance here but happy to talk gin, cakes and how I’m also a pushover with friends taking the mick ... I don’t mind usually, but startled one by saying no I wouldn’t split the bill in half (she’d had 3 double G&T’s, a starter, steak compared to my 1 wine, coke and chicken dish) but I did end up getting the cinema and coffees ...