Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

That's how it feels, like I do, as though my life according to how he wants to live is better than any decisions I could make for my life on my own.

Oh love. At least if you were on your own it would be you living your life. You deserve so much more than this.

Sounds to me like you could cope financially without him, which is the biggest hurdle.

I’d start with a week or two away - maybe visiting one of your friends? See if you can remember what life is like when you’re not constantly worried about setting him off.

If I wasn't me, I'd kick myself up the arse for that. I need to do something. I think I might. I think I've been in a bubble. A big thick one

You have. We will do anything we can to help you burst it. You can’t carry on like this.
I put off marrying him for 4 years because it didn't feel right. But I couldn't tell you what was wrong

You still don’t need to know exactly what’s wrong. ALL you need to know is that you’re utterly miserable and wasting your life.

I wake up dreading another long, long day of nothing. It's all effort, for him. Everything is stressful and full of effort

You know it’s time to walk away and find your life...it’s waiting out there for you.

Can I ask why you don’t work? I know you have money but for your own MH and self esteem? Would you even consider voluntary work? Kennels/charity shop/school etc

Can I ask why you don’t work?

It's embarrassing, but confidence/anxiety.

I've been out the 'world' so long, I'm a stranger in it.

I left school at 15 (due to illness) and I only had temporary jobs, no career, a toxic family (sexual abuse) that I'm NC with now so I never built a life or structure at all, then met DH aged 25 and he seemed so kind and caring, and an escape. Selfish right?

Life never really began. I don't know what I'm looking for. Eugh, I'd be bored of the OP's self-pitying tone if I wasn't the bloody OP.

I'd tell myself to get a grip. If there are any spare grips out there, throw them at me. Aim for my head.

His savings mean I am in a very privileged situation.

You’re really not ...

I wouldn't want anything if I left. I'd be happy to clean all the hours for minimum wage

What were you doing ten years ago OP? Do you have a degree or any training? Were you working before you met him?

What I find terrifying is the way you seem to have sleepwalked into a situation where you’re facing another forty years with neither work nor any other fulfilling occupation. (And not even allowed to water your own garden!) Just increasingly trapped in the house tending to your fractious, needy, controlling husband.

Inevitably crossed you ...

OP, is there anywhere you could do some voluntary work?

Just getting out a couple of hours a week might help.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

I think you are like rapunzel trapped in the tower safe away from the big wide world where he keeps you

So the first question is if you did start to leave the tower what would he do

YABU for not spraying the twat in the face with the hose

I hate people who do armchair diagnoses, but

have you considered whether you and / or your DH might be autistic? My partner and I both are, and we fell into the pattern you describe where I was over anxious and hypersensitive to criticism, and my partner was unable to cope with me doing something differently to the 'right' way, and it caused conflict. Now that we both recognise this pattern we have been able to resolve it.

Sorry if that's miles off the mark but high anxiety - vulnerable to abuse as a young person - feeling like a stranger in the world - second guessing all the time - hate doing anything wrong - are all things that resonate with me.

So the first question is if you did start to leave the tower what would he do

Well, after watering the plants properly he'd probably sit and mope and see absolutely no one ever again.

Like a pp said, it sounds like Stockholm Syndrome.

Your late post made me smile. You are a very funny lady and deserve so much better.

You sound lovely, op. Your childhood sounds a lot like mine; didn't go to high school due to illness, abused by a family friend (older boy). Ended up marrying an abusive boyfriend at 16. It has took me the best part of 20 years to see the situation as it was, l built a life around the fact that it was all my fault.

It was actually the Rotherham, Oxford etc child abuse cases that caused a light bulb moment. I started to realise I wasn't bad at making choices, I should have been protected from that stuff.

It is very hard when you have start rebuilding yourself again with your head held high, rather than walking through life apologetically for all the bad stuff that happened to you.

it took me I meant to say.

So what do you both do all day? Well, you meet friends for coffee/lunch I think you said....does he see no-one at all but you? In what way is he sensitive?? And so stressed he can’t cope with a pet? I can’t understand him....

@Samoture that's really interesting actually.

You might be right, I have noticed a few traits with DH. He loathes change, he can't handle a lot going on, he has a thing about washing his hands, he's quite literal, takes everything quite seriously. He's physically quite detatched. He's very intelligent with engineering type things. Would any of those things be likely with autism?

But either way, I'm seeing that I do edit how I am according to what I think he wants/needs and that's going to stop. And I hope our marriage is a good one and we can both evolve as I change things. But if not, well. Yeah.

As for me, the things you say resonate with you are the things I struggle with the most. What do you find helps you, of you don't mind my asking?

The support here has been amazing, thank you.

OP, not anything to add but agree with what everyone has said. I read your post and I thought you were a retired couple honestly. It's not too late for you, it really isn't. What I've read from you is really quite sad, you do sound lovely, and (after the big glass of rioja I've had) if it's ok with you, here's a big unmumsnetty hug and - which I'm sure were watered just fine!

Yes, Only, all of what you describe with your DH could be autism related. Not to say it is because I've never met either of you and I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds familiar.

Autism is also massively under-diagnosed in women and girls, and often misinterpreted as anxiety. I have shutdowns where I just cannot express myself and feel huge despair, which was initially wrongly assessed as general anxiety disorder.

What helped - I read a book called Aspergers In Love by Maxine Aston, and then DP and I realised that it wasn't just me on the spectrum, it was my partner too. We are now much much better at giving each other the social cues out loud rather than expecting the other to read them. So if DP wants me to do something her way she will explicitly say "I'm trying to be helpful not to criticise." And I will tell her if I am doing something tricky and don't want to be watched.

Your scenario would have played EXACTLY for us as it did for you 10 years ago. Now I would say to her "I'm going to do some planting, I don't want advice, I just want you to tell me it looks good when I've finished." If she wandered up the garden before I'd finished and had an irresistible urge to correct me, she would say "Can I make a suggestion?" rather than diving straight in and removing whatever I was doing from my hands, which she used to do. And I now have the confidence to say "no, I don't want suggestions" if I don't, or yes please if I do.

We are both much happier!

You know it’s time to walk away and find your life...it’s waiting out there for you
...Just that
You are only 35. It's def not too late. Be brave. Good luck x

You sound lovely OP. I hope you find the confidence to go after the life you deserve

does he see no-one at all but you? In what way is he sensitive?

He has friends, he just makes zero effort to see them. I do encourage him. I can't force him.

He gets bad headaches and severe fatigue from stress, so when he's stressed (he can't say what he's stressed about, exactly) he just naps and doesn't want to do anything. (Full medical check, he's in perfect health.)

He does whatever I do manage to get the confidence to do. I love being busy.
"I'm going for a walk, hon."
"I'll come!"

"I'm going to meet a friend in London"
"Ohh I'll come, we can stay over"

"I'm going to the library to work on some writing (my hobby)"
"Cool, mind if I join you?"

"I'm going for a shit."
"Great I'll come talk to you."
happened

He's sensitive...in every way. I was very poorly in hospital once last year and he fainted.

Honestly, the nurses were like FFS.

He fainted? Hahaha!!! Oh dear, he’s quite a fragile soul isn’t he?! He sounds like a Victorian lady having the vapours with his headaches, fainting and needing to lie down. Please, please take your courage in both hands and change this dreary half life! You can do it!! You really, really can! Baby steps with some voluntary work, then maybe some part time paid work.....then out I to the world!! It’s all there just waiting for you......🥳

Seriously OP he is controlling whether he means to be or not is immaterial. He has trained you to bow to his needs constantly and makes you feel bad for not going along with his wants/needs/demands.

Please go out and get yourself a life. Tell him it's bad for you both to continue living in this awful bubble and that you need to do something for yourself.

Don't ask, tell him you are going to visit your friends first and he's not coming with you as you want to catchup. Then having done that book yourself a trip to visit the one you will find it easiest to get to with your feelings of anxiety.

It is very common for someone who has experienced a difficult childhood to end up unwittingly entering into a relationship with someone who, whilst seeming very different, actually has many similar traits to the person you want to escape from.

It worried me when you said earlier if you walked away you wouldn't want anything - please don't think like that- it's not his money - you have certainly earned your half by living a half life pandering to him.
You will need your half to start the life you deserve, please don't make rash decisions re money because of guilt, he is not your child and you are not responsible for his future happiness.
Please start changing your reaction to him in small ways if you can't face big changes all at once, how he reacts may galvanise you to change more and more until you have become strong enough to walk away. Good luck