Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

@OnlyTrying

Please read the numerous threads on here about abusive/controlling partners.

Couldn't live without you ✅
Has no friends ✅
You don't go out ✅
Gives you things ✅

Has he told you he's sensitive? Usually means do as I want or I'll sulk like a toddler .

Yes people can be controlling and appear nice. You do realise all his controlling behaviour will be massively affecting your mental health. All that anxiety about putting a foot wrong. All his 'loving' constructive criticism making you feel useless and worse about yourself.

The fact that you seem to think you are nothing without the marriage. Why Do you work? Can you support yourself?

@TopBitchoftheWitches

I just can't get my head around him being controlling. He doesn't tell me to do anything as such. I just feel like I shouldn't do certain stuff. Like if I go out by myself for a few hours he'll just rattle around the house waiting for me to come back. He won't phone or text or ask what I'm doing, I just feel guilty not including him. I will check other threads, though, as my anxiety/self esteem does seem to be worse now we're together a lot.

@SunshineCake yes he's said he can't handle stress/change and is sensitive.

Oh bless you OP.

Here’s the thing no one ever tells you: it’s pretty much unheard of for an abusive partner to be obviously vile and abusive 100% of the time. No one would stay if they were. In order to control and have power over you, they need to give you enough positive stuff that you doubt yourself. Surely it’s not real abuse because he does x, y and z, and last week he did a, and he’s only like this when he’s stressed, and if I just manage all my behaviour all the time so I don’t set him off, everything will be fine.

Sound familiar? Of course you can’t be controlling in a good way. He’s isolated you. He’s made you need him. He’s given you enough of the good while simultaneously gaslighting you and wearing down your confidence until you don’t know what’s up.

And most importantly - this is probably not a conscious decision on his behaviour. If someone asked him honestly if he was abusive towards you, he’d probably be appalled at the thought. This is why it’s so hard to acknowledge and to leave.

The fact that you seem to think you are nothing without the marriage. Why Do you work? Can you support yourself?

I don't work, neither does DH. He had a huge pot of savings that he invested and we live (only just, very frugally) on the interest - that's simplifying it but that's the essence.

I should feel grateful I don't need to work. His savings mean I am in a very privileged situation.

I wouldn't want anything if I left. I'd be happy to clean all the hours for minimum wage if I needed to. I can't carry as things are. Maybe DH is depressed?

@OnlyTrying

That's called 'walking on eggshells'.

I have been there, that's why I am happy to be single for the rest of my life.

These people know damn well what they are doing. They are abusive and controlling, they also don't like it when you start to notice this.

Maybe DH is depressed
Nope...he is a nasty, controlling c*

@SinkGirl that sums up pretty well how things are.

Anytime he gets overwhelmed he feels stressed, withdrawn, headachy, tired and uncommunicative.

I feel like he's fragile and I need to protect him.

You could be describing my ex, OP.

By the time I finally got out I was on a high dose of anti depressants and had no confidence left. It’s taken me years to build myself back up.

Get out now.

@TopBitchoftheWitches anytime I think he's being overbearing I'll call him out on it. I'm going to start putting myself first.

If he's a good guy, like I hope, like the guy I thought I married, then he'll be supportive and proud of me.

If not, then I'll know. And that will be that.

Thanks so much for the straight talking, I've needed it.

OP, he'll never be ready for children with you. He'll wait till you're 45 or so, until it's too late to have children and then he'll leave and find a 25 year old to procreate with. Please leave 😳😩

Definitely read Lundy Bancroft. Definitely.

Keep going with the CBT - figure out what you want, not what he wants.

Don’t let him get away with it. Call him on it every single time. As you say, a decent loving husband wouldn’t want you to feel that way and would change.

Tell him you’ve decided you want to go back to work. See how he reacts. Again, if he loves you and is not controlling he will support you.

I doubt he's depressed, just a gobshite.
Is he much older than you?

What would happen if you told him you wanted to work? Was it his idea for you not to?
Do you have friends? Socialise away from him? Hobbies? Contact with other adults.

He is controlling your financial situation too.

FFS OP, what you need is a job which gets you out of the house, part-time if needed, you have to get a life away from your DH. Why do you feel the need to protect him, he's a grown man with obviously too much time on his hands to fret and stress. Do yourself a favour and get out.

He's not fragile

You don't need to protect him

He's controlling you in all ways and making you feel grateful for nor texting you while you're out and by financially controlling you.

He's bad for you.

He sounds like he’s too used to getting his own way. My dh can be like this. He’s not a teacher by any chance is he.

When I read your OP, I pictured you and your DH has about 50ish. Not sure why, but I was startled to read you were only 35.

What do you do all day if neither of you work? No wonder he's micro-managing - you're probably both utterly bored.

@Whatsnewpussyhat he's 12 years older, yes. It feels like he's ready for a quiet life.

I have a few close friends that live miles away (London, Berlin, Sweden) so I don't see them. Just WhatsApp. I have a couple of aquaintances I see for coffee/lunch a few times a month. No family, at all. I haven't got the confidence in my mental state to even join a weekly group. Hence the CBT! I will get there. I'm improving.

Maybe we are emotionally just bad for each other? His hesitance to change anything brings me down and my anxiety brings him down?

I also assumed he was much older because to have enough money to live of the interest or investments takes some doing.
Do you have access to any of this?

Oh God he is toxic and controlling and he's slowly dissolving everything good in your life so that he has you where he wants you, childless, broken, and trapped.

He is not nice. Please think about getting out. And if you want children, please do it soon. You should not have children with him, but he is so not worth giving up your chance for children if that's what you want.

Please think about going back to work asap. It would be much healthier and better for you than this.

Well, I invested it. I have access to it all, he's not as internet savvy as me, so all the financial sure of things are entirely my stress and my responsibility.

Which is a big reason for me thinking he may not be controlling?

Just because he doesn't currently use access to the money to control you doesn't mean he isn't controlling. There are lots of ways to control people.

OP you are not living at all - what are your hopes and dreams, your desires because surely it not spending the day worrying about one person

He groomed you I think to become this person sadly it is controlking and abusive