Me or DH?

[OnlyTrying]

Long time poster...NC because it's ridiculous.

Background: I'm a massive pushover, low self esteem, battling anxiety but prone to over reacting. Asserting myself more after CBT! DH is kind, but stubborn. What he says usually goes. 9/10 times he's right anyway.

So I decided to plant some flowers in the garden. DH wonders over once or twice. Suggests I move some to somewhere else, which I do. Mildly annoyed I can't be left to it.

All planted, hard work done, weeding done, I start to water them using a bucket with water. Happy & proud of my mini Titchmarsh afternoon. DH wonders over and tells me I should use the hose.

He links the hose to the tap and I take it. Normally he waters the garden and I can see he's ITCHY to make it off me. I ignore and start watering. My own merry way.

DH follows me, watching judging and says I'm not doing it right and wants to take it off me to show me an 'easier, better way'.

I tell him firmly that I'm happy how I'm doing it and can he please quit micro managing me. He storms off.

Now he's in a huff.

Should I apologise or should he? I'll go with the majority opinion!!

I'm confused why he thinks he's sensitive, he seems anything but! He's unreasonable. I would have told him to piss off and stop interfering

Sorry op but still controlling because he has made it so you think he couldn't cope without you. You were young and moldable.

He will never be ready for children. Especially now you have told us his age now.

You sound like an elderly couple. You must be bored shitless.

Sorry op but still controlling because he has made it so you think he couldn't cope without you. You were young and moldable.

He will never be ready for children. Especially now you have told us his age now.

You sound like an elderly couple. You must be bored shitless.

Sorry, no idea why it posted twice!

What an awful, stifling, boring life.

He has isolated you.

You walk on eggshells to avoid stressing him (or going against his every tiny pointless shitty demand/requirement) He is controlling and abusive. Telling you how to respond next time!! I’d tell him to fuck right off!

You live very frugally and only just survive? Get out there and get a job and have children and get a couple of dogs. You are living like a nun, one of the ones who gives up everything to worship Jesus, although I bet if you described your sex life, we’d all be even more horrified.

Get yourself out of this horrible situation, you aren’t living, just surviving. You’re going to look back in 20 years and CRY at how shit your life is.

This is one of those times where it would depending on my time of the month. If I was pmsing I would have gone off on one the first time he tried to intervene. If I was calmer I would be like thanks for the suggestion but I proud my effort this afternoon leave me to it. Afterall it might rain this evening and I don’t want to over water then tonight when he is in bed give them a quick water

You sound like an elderly couple. You must be bored shitless

Totally and utterly. It's pathetic.

although I bet if you described your sex life, we’d all be even more horrified

Sex? What's that? yeah there have been issues. He's not very affectionate physically.

You’re going to look back in 20 years and CRY at how shit your life is

I already do. :( I just blame me, not him.

Leave him now.
Go.
One life. No rehearsal.
You could have kids, a husband who cherishes you, a beautiful future.

It's too late.

I have a few close friends that live miles away (London, Berlin, Sweden) so I don't see them.

This is so strange OP. You have all the time in the world to spend as you like. You apparently have access to money. And yet you speak of visiting your friends as if they live on as yet undiscovered planets that not even Elon Musk could get you to.

Ask yourself - what is the real, fundamental reason why you don’t see your close friends?

It's never too late.

It's not too late! It's only thinking that it's too late that's the problem.

It's not too late at all. Why would you want to stay in a situation that makes you miserable?!
And after 10 years of marriage and all those bloody savings you can set yourself up nicely to start again actually living rather than existing.

You sound so lovely.

He doesn’t deserve you and I agree you’d be a whole lot happier and secure without him x

It is NOT too late.

IF you get out now you still have time to meet someone else and have a life and a family.

There’s only you to think about. No pets, no kids.

You can start off living in with a job or living with a landlady.

You can start cleaning immediately and around here (SE) that’s £15 per hour.

I bet after a couple of weeks the relief would be amazing.

You can make other plans from there.

You don’t owe him your life.

You're right, I do have the time/funds. I know I should do much, much more.

Ask yourself - what is the real, fundamental reason why you don’t see your close friends?

The main issue is my anxiety. I'm trapped in my mind where I don't trust anything will go right. (Past trauma, prior to DH, the CBT is based on this).

I'm also worried if I start to live a fuller life, I'll be leaving DH behind. I hate how complicated it is. I don't think it's purely DH, it's my issues.

What is it he gets stressed about?? Why is he so ‘sensitive?’

What an utter, utter waste of a life.

I feel anxious and depressed just reading this thread, and I'm neither of those things at all.

Things could be so different. So much easier and simpler.

You have shackled yourself to this pointless person for no other reason than you think you should be shackled to him.

You'd both be so much happier apart.

you need a flowdiagram - 1. Were the plants wet - if yes OK, if No do it his way.

He was being childish and having a strop over something that in the great Scheme of Things is utterly unecessary to even contemplat supervising or commenting.

oh and yes this is an abusive relationship

You don’t owe him your life.

That's how it feels, like I do, as though my life according to how he wants to live is better than any decisions I could make for my life on my own.

God, if I wasn't me, I'd kick myself up the arse for that. I need to do something. I think I might. I think I've been in a bubble. A big thick one.

I put off marrying him for 4 years because it didn't feel right. But I couldn't tell you what was wrong. I wake up dreading another long, long day of nothing. It's all effort, for him. Everything is stressful and full of effort.

The replies here are so appreciated, honestly. I'm just a stranger on the internet but I could cry with the fact you're taking the time to say something. I can deal with honesty; I don't want to live like this anymore.

Oh it’s almost as if you have Stockholm syndrome and he kidnapped you and made your life all about him

What do you ever do for you?

Genuinely, when you think about living on your own, or starting to work again, what stops you? What scares you about it?

OP This reminds me of someone I once knew who, although previously outgoing and well travelled, went through a period of such anxiety that she didn’t leave the small town she lived in for three years.

I’m wondering what there ever is to take you further than whatever local shops you use. (Assuming you do.) No family to visit. No work. Hobbies? Study? Volunteering? Do you go to the theatre or concerts? Do you really never do anything more exciting than drink coffee with your acquaintances?

I do see that getting on a plane to Berlin, or even a train to London, might seem ... beyond you right now. Might any of your close friends travel to visit you, if you invited them? (Then they might perhaps suggest you travel back with them for a week or two ...)

It's like you're living off the grid-no outside job, hobbies, pets, children just sit at home being codependent with him! If you had a career or volunteer in some capacity you'd have friends,a social outlet, self esteem improvement!