Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

265 replies

Housewife212 · 18/04/2019 22:22

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 18/04/2019 22:26

I don't find it hard at all

DramaAlpaca · 18/04/2019 22:27

I don't find marriage hard either.

LittleElle · 18/04/2019 22:28

Is marriage hard?

MsMarvellous · 18/04/2019 22:28

I don't find it hard either. Occasional annoyance at how we do things differently. But not hard.

iklboo · 18/04/2019 22:30

Nope. Not hard here either. Mind you, I didn't think life was a Disney film either. How long were you together before you got married? Did you live together first?

BeanBag7 · 18/04/2019 22:30

I didn't find much difference between living together unmarried and living together married. Maybe if you haven't lived with the person or hadn't known them very long, it would be hard to adjust. Is there something specific you are finding difficult or just marriage in general?

Twotinydictators · 18/04/2019 22:31

I don't find it hard either. Parenting on the other hand...

Are you having a difficult time OP?

KatharinaRosalie · 18/04/2019 22:31

I don't find it hard. What makes yours hard work?

ElizabethMountbatten · 18/04/2019 22:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 18/04/2019 22:32

Partner should make your life better and easier.. if they don't, they shouldn't be your partner.

Ribbonsonabox · 18/04/2019 22:33

I dont find it hard... at least that's not the word I'd use... it does take work but I wouldn't say that work is actually hard if you love your partner... as the drive is very much there to do the work iyswim if you have the love and goodwill for each other.
We've had difficult times. I went through bad PPP and PND after the birth of my first... wev had struggles with money... moved house suddenly over Christmas when I was pregnant (that was a nightmare)....
So obviously we've had to put effort in to have compassion for each other and be kind when we've both been at our wits end.... but I'd not call it 'hard work'
I didnt think of it before we married but I think you do these things as a result of loving someone anyway... in any long term relationship... so it's not like it came as a shock. I knew life might not always be rosy for us as life often isn't in general... but I've always thought if you love someone and they say they love you then you get through it together by making the effort to understand how the other person is feeling and what they need and vice versa...

Original poster
Housewife212 · 18/04/2019 22:33

No we’re good actually but never lived with anyone before so I guess

I learnt on the job 😋

I guess I have to remember most people will have lived with at least one person before they marry

A lot harder than I thought and

OP posts:
notacooldad · 18/04/2019 22:33

I've been married well over 20 years and I dont find marriage hard. We have had difficult times but they would have happened if we were married or not.( financial issues and illness being two) but not had relationships problems.

newtlover · 18/04/2019 22:33

I agree, people often say you have to work at it but I don't see it that way. Of course you may sometimes have difficult times, but your relationship should be a source of strength that helps you, not the opposite. I suspect this 'you have to work at it' is what we (women) get told so we will put up with crap. Don't put up with crap.

bananaontoast1 · 18/04/2019 22:33

I don't find marriage hard at all.

Redorangeyellowgreen · 18/04/2019 22:33

What are you finding hard? I find parenting and working hard but not marriage.

DippyAvocado · 18/04/2019 22:34

I agree with you, relationships aren't always easy. There is a lot of compromise and taking the rough with the smooth. I would take with a pinch of salt anyone who says their relationship is perfect.

Having said that, it shouldn't feel like constant work. What are the particular issues that you are having? Irritation with different ways of stacking the dishwasher is easier to overcome than fundamentally different values.

checkingforballoons · 18/04/2019 22:34

I also don’t find it hard. Not trying to sound smug but I don’t really understand it when people say that marriage is hard work. What is it that you’re finding difficult?

Mememeplease · 18/04/2019 22:34

I guess it depend on your expectations beforehand. If you are realistic then it shouldn't be hard work.

Why is it hard work?

C0untDucku1a · 18/04/2019 22:35

You'll be better on the relationships board op, rather than have scores of people gleefully tell you that theirs is a breeze if never ending agreement. these are always the women shocked to find out their oefect husband had a mistress for ten years

MrsPerfect12 · 18/04/2019 22:35

I don't find it hard. I did live with someone before and he was a twat so it was hard then.

Shelbybear · 18/04/2019 22:36

It's no different to before for us. Were u not long together when you married?

3in4years · 18/04/2019 22:36

Marriage is harder than work and harder than parenting for me. I guess it depends who you're married to. Plus, I always wanted kids, was never sure about a partner. I crave time with no other adults. I am very independent. My husband is not.

CherryPavlova · 18/04/2019 22:37

There’s certainly adaptation and compromise. No, it’s not always easy to consider someone else in every decision you make.im not sure it’s continually hard but there are times when the stresses of life make it feel hard.
On balance though, like most things in life, what you get out is directly proportional to what you put in. I like marriage and we’ve reached an age/length of time together where we really are an integral unit - two parts of a whole. It’s nice.

Carpetburns · 18/04/2019 22:38

I agree with you OP. I think that it involves compromise and negotiation, a lot of giving and taking etc.
All of the PP's obviously have perfect marriages. Perhaps the reason people don't "work" at their marriage is that it's perfect until it isn't, and when it isn't it's a divorce.
I am happily married, FWIW.