Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

[Housewife212]

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

When people say “hard work” what do they mean?

Sharing a space
Not being able to please myself as and when I want.

Actually that should be sharing a space with an adult, DD isn’t hard work at all

I don’t know; a couple of years ago I was a newly-wed and would firmly agree that marriage/cohabitation shouldn’t be hard, if it’s hard there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Now, my DH seems to be developing a few undesirable manchild behaviours that he never used to have before, and we are arguing a lot about stuff we didn’t used to. He’s got stubborn, refuses to acknowledge he’s ever wrong, and has developed this whiny childish tone I don’t recognise (or like).

I had none of this evidence when I made my decision to marry him, and now I feel like I am up to my ears in dirty socks and passive-aggression wondering what the hell happened.

Good thing we don’t have kids!

I don't have a perfect marriage. Never claimed I did. I just don't find it hard work. Mind you I was with an absolute abusive bastard before I met DH so maybe that has laid the groundwork. For us it's working together to get through the tough times and enjoy the good ones.

echt

What did you think would 'fall into place', OP? Did you assume that marriage would change your spouse while not changing yourself at all?

I don't find marriage hard work - there is compromise, there are tough seasons of life such as bereavements, but having someone by your side makes it easier to get through. I value the support of my DH.

We didn't live together before marriage, met as teenagers, have been married over 30 years now.

All this ‘if marriage is hard work you’re with the wrong person isn’t very helpful, and likely to be disingenuous when you scratch beneath the surface.

“Hard” isn’t necessarily “bad”. I have had to work at my marriage at times, and it’s not always been easy, but that “hard work” has largely been necessary because of my selfishness or faults (or my partners), and working through them made our marriage better, deeper and stronger.

Nooooooooo idea. My in laws are an actual abusive nightmare and I married my DH in a fit of romance and love without factoring in that I was committing myself indefinitely to incredibly difficult and cruel people.

It's a lot harder than I thought.

DH himself is lovely. But I didn't factor in everything that came with him.

Our relationship and then marriage hasn't been hard, but since we had our baby, we've had to actively work at it on occasions, ie months of tiredness, leading to grumpiness, and making sure we're not too grouchy with each other.

I think there can be periods of stress, ie, babies, illness, death of a loved one, that can make it harder to be nice to other people when you know you should. But I think that's all relationships - parents, friendships etc.

I think I would feel a little concerned if I felt sharing a space and a life on a day to day basis with someone was "work", or stressful. It would be useful for you to work out what exactly you're finding difficult to live with - whether your expectations of sharing a life with someone are generally a bit "off", or whether it's actually an issue of compatibility.

I don't find it hard, but we lived together for donkeys years before we married. I can't imagine being without my h, he's easy going, fun and companionable. I'd be lost without him.

Moving in together (rather than marriage) can be a massive adjustment. In fact it is 1000's of little adjustments, compromises and irks (who makes toast without using a plate?).

If it's good you will find your way together.

Well, obviously living with someone for the first time can be tricky. The same applies to a flat mate or a puppy. I’m assuming that’s not what’s meant here?

I think it is a bit Bertrand. But also sharing finances, plans e.g. holidays, as well as space. When it's a housemate you can do your own thing, take yourself off, budget yourself. When it's a partnership, things are always taking you by surprise - even though you know people are different, there are things you never thought they would do differently or think differently about that come up. So you're constantly adjusting. And if you are set in your ways, or don't have great self awareness, it takes time and thought, and emotional energy to work out how to be a partnership and not always be frictioning. The effor to constantly keep forgiving someone when they hurt you, intentionally or otherwise. Because they're not you.

I have a few friends whose marriages are hard work. But not in the sense that they need to work on the relationship as such. It's hard work because their husbands are lazy, inconsiderate and in one case, also abusive twats. Being married to them is hard work.

I don't find it hard but we were together for 10 years and 2 DC before we got married.

Dh is my best friend.

Well there's not a lot of information in the OP's posts to go on.

Being married to my husband has been one of the easiest and most hassle free parts of my life

“The effor to constantly keep forgiving someone when they hurt you, intentionally or otherwise. ”

Why would you do that??

Nope. Married young. Handheld lots by inlaws which helped hugely. We are very different personality wise and have grown up together. It has taught me lots of give and take.

I find it hard. I need a lot of alone time. I liked being single! My DH is very emotional and intense, which I find difficult sometimes. I wouldn’t change him, though, he’s a wonderful person. We work together as a team - I think that is the key. If I felt I was the only one putting in the work it would be very different.

No we don't find it hard, I find life easier and feel more secure if anything.

I think a lot of the things people are saying are hard are irrespective of marriage, you have to compromise in all relationships not even just intimate ones, if you're very self centred of course it's going to be hard sharing space and considering someone else's views and needs, but for most people that's just being a human isn't it? Parenting -exhausting, wider family commitments, fine mostly but sometimes just can't be arsed, work -live my job hate the impact the ever changing governments have on it, boiler breaks, cat gets ill, car fails its MOT all stressful, but not directly relevant to the fact I'm married. Things like that would happen if I was just in a relationship, a lot of them would happen if I was single. If your husband/wife is making your life that much worse I agree with @BertrandRussell why are you doing it to yourself? There's always another option.

bert err, because you love them, because you value your marriage vows, because you have children together. DH did something for me last week, with the very best of intentions. It actually created a whole heap more stuff for me to organise/cram in but his original act had my well-being at its very heart.

“bert err, because you love them, because you value your marriage vows, because you have children together.”
But you are constantly having to forgive them for hurting you. Would you want your dd to stay in a marriage like that?

I’m not talking about someone who ‘constantly’ ‘hurts’ me. My story is a bit like waveysnail, except we were older and very much used to being single. I’d tell my dd that no marriage is a walk in the park, only she can decide if the commitment/effort is worth it and I’ll support her either way.