Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

[Housewife212]

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

No... and if I were getting married again...I'd do a lot differently with age and wisdom.

I don’t think it’s supposed to be hard. I think often that's a lie to help people justify staying on toxic situations and to encourage women especially to put up with all manner of shit in the name of love. My Mum often said how hard it was but hard work for them seemed to consist of screaming “passionate” arguments where something usually got smashed and someone usually had violence committed against them. They’ve been married for 45 years and they’re so smug about it, as though they’re this united couple with an amazing solid marriage that they built for years. I was there. I remember the tantrums, tears and dramas and my Dad trying to leave her at least three times. They’re unhealthily co-dependant not happily and solidly married.

I don't think marriage itself is hard, but life itself and growing older together with someone and all the changes and challenges that brings is. And life is so quick, I never realised how quickly life was going to fly by.

A year and a half after being together we had a child, both very young parents and we had to grow up a lot. Now we’re married I think it’s actually got easier, due to our circumstances, that’s not to say in the future it won’t be harder. I don’t think marriage should be hard, relationships can be hard work, but a marriage shouldn’t suddenly make it harder

It’s hard living with anyone and getting on 24/7. Marriage is not a bed of roses.

Divorce is always a great option? 😆

It was hard for me, the first time around, but then I married a dickhead.

But no, not hard, second time around.

Sometimes it's like swimming through treacle, but never for very long. Over the course of the last 25 years we've been through some major traumas, but also some really fun and relaxed times. Eventually we achieved a sort of comfort and ease in each others company which makes everything seem easier.
The first year was bad though. I think it's fairly normal to get married and then panic a bit (I tend to do this whenever I make a huge decision and I was totally certain when I got married so it wasn't a case of trying to improve a bad relationship).

OP, from your username, I’m guessing you and your DH didn’t live together before marriage and you’ve gone straight into being a housewife? That will make a huge difference on how you feel and I’m guessing what is expected of you in your marriage?

DH and I married nearly 14 years, and haven't found it hard. We've had tough times, but we've dealt with it together, and always remembered that we're on the same team.
We married into our 30s, though, so feel like we don't need each other, and neither of us has tried to change the other.

Marriage makes my life easier. I have someone who is always in my corner, cheering me and fighting for me and supporting me. Everything I do is easier for having the support of someone who loves me wholly.

I find the shit that life throws at you as a committed couple quite difficult. When you have to weather so much you can either unite or go your own way. It's wanting to be together that helps. Being a team can either lighten the load or hold you back.

I really wish me and my DH had more time to spend together, relaxed, not tired, not always wary of the next crisis (job/children/bereavement/health/money).

Maybe you aren’t married to the right person. I find marriage easy.

DH is the only partner I've ever lived with, got together at 25 moved in just under two years later, been together nine and a bit years, married eighteen months ago, it doesn't really feel any different day to day

It can be hard. I don't think that necessarily suggests that you're married to the wrong person. It just reflects the fact that life can be hard sometimes.

DH and I have been together for nearly 25 years. During that time, we have moved several times, including across continents, we have become parents, dealt with redundancy and miscarriage, cared for elderly parents, experienced the deaths of parents and siblings, battled a few serious health issues etc. Many of these experiences have put pressure on our relationship at different points, but we have come through them together.

We are very different in many ways. Different culture, social class, religion, even language, so we have had to negotiate and compromise a lot. Sometimes it's really tough. Sometimes he irritates the hell out of me and vice versa. I wouldn't ever characterise our relationship as "easy".

However, "easy" sounds boring as hell to me! The differences between DH and me do make things harder sometimes, but they also help to make life more interesting. I love being able to see the world from a very different perspective. I love the fact that my assumptions are challenged on a regular basis. I love the way in which he frequently pushes me out of my comfort zone. That's what helps me to learn and grow. It helps that our most fundamental values are very similar. Basically, we want the same things. We just have very different ideas on how to get there. That can be challenging but it's also enriching.

I've never understood the adage that marriage is "so hard." If it's that much work and heartache, you shouldn't be married. My marriage is a joy and has been for many, many years. I adore my husband and he adores me. We are best friends and always have been. I can't bear to think of life without him, and as we get older that fear increases.

I don't find marriage hard. Being married has made my life easier, for the most part. I suppose you have a sense of true responsibility to the other person in a way that didn't before you married, but that's a two way street so it means that your partner always has your back.

Rough patches can be navigated but if your marriage is hard more often than it's easy then you might want to do some soul searching.

No I don't find marriage hard. I also don't agree that most people live with someone else before they marry - unless you are counting mum & dad.

I totally disagree that marriages should be hard work.
If you have never lived with another equal adult OP, then I can see that would be an adjustment. Because you can't get away with the level of selfishness that children have. You do have to share a house with another adult in a way that considers them.
The things I have found hard is not the marriage itself, but life. Bereavements, I'll health, DP being in hospital very ill, stuff like that. That was all bloody hard.
I also don't agree with the idea that you are stuck in a marriage. I am always clear that I am only married as long as it is making us both happy.

I do think the idea that marriage is hard,is a story many women in not very good marriages tell themselves.

So all these posters don’t find the compromise hard? Always meeting someone else halfway and not getting to just do stuff as you like it?

I find that hard, and carving out time for yourself in family life, that’s hard.

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years and we’re getting married this summer, it’s good relationship and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.
Maybe I’m spoilt or rubbish at compromise, but I can’t believe I’m the only one.

I am engaged and personally can't see why being married would make things harder or easier then they are now. Then again I have lived with fiancé for 7 years and will have been under the same roof for 8 and together for 9 by the time we marry next year so I do guess we are as good as married already.

Not saying we never disagree but I never found our relationship hard work or at least any harder then could be reasonably expected.

I found the first year hard, adjusting to living together - we’d never lived together alone as a couple prior to getting married. Since then, we’ve learned to give and take. I don’t find marriage itself hard, but it’s all the other shit that life throws at you that is incredibly hard at times.

OP are you a Christian? Asking as it’s quite unusual not to live with someone first these days. I believe that the church sells marriage as this wonderful utopia that it simply isn’t. That said I think this idea of marriage NOT being hard work is a MN thing. IRL I’ve never met anyone who says their marriage is easy. Without exception they all say marriage takes effort, compromise and hard work; but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.

@collectingcpd I think it also depends on what people consider hard work. Some people might see having to compromise and to take another person into account as hard work where as some other people see it as a given.

Ok so I don't get to eat my favourite meals everyday, the furniture is not something I would have picked if I lived on my own and pretty much everything is a compromise that both people are happy with, yes there might have been a bicker here or there but none of this is what I would call hard work