Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

[Housewife212]

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

No love does not conquer all. Which is why I did not marry the first man I fell in love with. We both loved each other, he was very attractive, more than I am, but I knew if I married him or lived together, I would have to carry the emotional burden of being the responsible one.
I think it is really important when choosing a partner for the long term to know that love does not conquer all.

So Robin what work did you do and what effort did you make

There was so much.,,

I stopped making it all about me.

I took responsibility.

I started to really listen to my husband and for a long time I started to put my husband first.

I still do ti some extent but in a more balance way as we are now in a really good place.

I had always loved and respected my husband , but after almost 20 years I'd lost my way, so Things had to change ......

I stopped complaining and bitching about him behind his back and made a big effort to thank him and show appreciation to him everyday.

I made sure I looked after him in a loving way, in a way I'd always looked after the kids (I've always been a good mum)

Instead of a

complaint when he returned home after work he got compliments and positive conversations.

Instead of spending his annual leave doing jobs/DIY for me , we went on mini break(s) :)

And I stopped nagging (that took a lot of effort and restraint)

In short I had to grow up.

I stopped expecting my husband to solve all my problems and expecting him to make ME happy - which meant I had to do these things. (Very scary)

But through this journey I found my true inner confidence and capabilities.

Even if I didn't feel like it because I was tired, busy or just plan confused lol - I put the effort in to be the best me I could be.

Sometimes all I did was 'keep my mouth shut.' That took a lot of strength.

But We now have a fantastic relationship (25 years)

It is the sort of marriage I use to dream about, but just seemed slightly out of reach.,,,,

But I don't get complacent.

It s been 4 years now and I came so close to losing it all I know that, for me, it takes time and effort and determination (every day) and I'm prepared to do that now.

Love can only take you so far.
The rest is up to you.

Fucks sake I don't put my husband first. That is not work, that is being a doormat.

And robin, does he put you first? Because somehow I doubt it.

If marriage was about being a step ford wife, I would have stayed single for ever.

Yes, robin’s post sums up perfectly what I think is usually meant by “working” on a marriage.

I know there are a few issues in my marriage at the moment, but if I ever end up 'keeping my mouth shut' to keep him happy, please someone come and rescue me.

Marriage is great.

My life would be a lot harder if I didn't have DH.

I mean actually being married doesn't really make a bit of difference. I like the security of it.

But life didn't change from us living together really.

I love being married. Haven't once in nearly 10 years found any aspect of it to be hard other than the faff of the name changing various things, anyway.

Maybe a big part of this depends on if you've lived alone before living with a partner.

My DH and I met at university.

So moved out of our parents homes and straight in together.

So we've never lived independently from one another. So didn't have that adjustment.

We learned together what it was to leave home.

Maybe that's why it seems easy to be married?

Its no different than being in a relationship.

Been married 20 years.

There are times I've found it easy and times I've found it very hard. Nobody warned me how hard it would be.

I thought we'd always carry on exactly the same as we were when we were crazily in love 20 somethings with very few responsibilities. But life, and a lot of stuff, has happened in those 20 years, we have both changed too - our DC and responsibilities keep us together at the moment.

@Robin2323 Have you read The Surrendered Wife? I have (and rejected the lion’s share of it).

Reading massively between lines of the OP, I think that falling into traditional gender roles, let alone woh and enjoying a good,
equal and fun relationship is incredibly hard.

^^ hard and not worth it.

I don't know if I have found marriage hard. I guess certain aspects of being in a long term relationship take work - compromise, communication, honesty, taking the time to be nice to each other and have fun together - but I don't know that I've found that hard exactly. Maybe when life is really tough it's more work to be kind - I found it a struggle when MiL was dying and DH was in a stressed out and foul mood constantly as he wasn't really coping - but again, that isn't unique to marriage.

I'd say 80% of the time I've found marriage fun and easy, 15% of the time it's work, but not hard, and 5% of the time it's tough. And I really prefer being married to any other phase of my life.

I suppose "work on a marriage" is a perfectly reasonable thing to do if your natural impulse would be to be phyiscally or emotionally abusive, or not to pull your weight in the house as an equal partner, or squander the household budget on drink.

Again, keeping your mouth shut is a perfectly reasonable thing, indeed a moral obligatum, if you are the kind of person whose prime instinct is to make nasty personal remarks and belittle other people. But then you should probably keep your mouth shut in a wider context than marriage.

But it if means always putting the other partner first, not expecting equal treatment as an equal partner, dealing with them as if they were a fractious child- then I am not convinced you are actually doing the marriage any favours: you're just keeping the peace.

Sorry, I didn’t find it hard at all. DH makes my life a lot easier.

But parenting; that’s a lot more all consuming and relentless than I thought

Ive always thought that saying about having to work at marriage is wrong. Relationships should be a sanctuary not a chore. Obviously there are squabbles but it should be like living with your best mate.

Thank you Robin. That's exactly what I feared is usually meant by 'working' on a marriage. Setting aside oneself, ones own needs and wants so that 'keeping the marriage together' becomes more important than yourself. I cannot think of anything that would make me more unhappy than that.
I also agree with other observations upthread that it is always disproportionately the wife making sacrifices and accommodations for 'the marriage' (or being expected to do so); particularly when there are kids involved.

It's interesting that nobody has mentioned temptations outside the marriage...

@Robin2323

That is a long list of "putting him first" behaviours on your part.

What changes did your husband make in his behavours to make you happier?

The response upthread, about abusive in laws being a hard part of marriage really spoke to me. I am very happy with my lovely husband and family, but my life will always be a little bit shitter for having my in laws in it, in a way that people not in that situation can never truly comprehend. And nor do they seem to want to.

I don't think I've ever found it hard.
Maybe because we don't have kids (joint choice).
We've been together for 23 years.

I've never found my marriage hard. I'm guessing my recent chronic illness has been hard on DH though

I don’t find marriage hard, but when DH and I moved in together I did find it a bit of a shock. We’d both only lived at home before, and had only been together 5-6 months in our first serious relationship! Once we got into a rhythm and sort of grew together, it became very easy and I can’t imagine being without him.

*That is a long list of "putting him first" behaviours on your part.

What changes did your husband make in his behavours to make you happier?*

I seem to have hit a nerve with my last post.
Maybe I didn't explain myself properly.

I'd become a 'bitch on wheels'.
I was take , take , take and my husband was give , give , give.

Looking back I'm surprised he put up with me for as long as he did.

Not sure how to explain it better ....

Dream marriage.
Whatever that entails : he does

Loves me to bits.
Works really hard and earns loads of money for us.

Spends all his free time with me.
Takes me on holiday
Repairs stuff in house / cars
Does food shop together every week
Mows the lawn cuts the hedges etc
Does housework
Picks me up from work
Brought me a car
Brought me a piano
Is currently fitting my dream kitchen with our youngest adult son

Will fetch stuff from super market I've forgot even after a 10 hour shift (physical job)

Takes me out for tea. : dinner : breakfast

Is kind caring loving smart and looks after me in the bedroom.

And when he does get grumpy (like everyone does ) I have no problem pulling him on it.

We are a team
We work hard and we play hard.

There is mutual love and respect.

We don't belittle or abuse each other

We work stuff out and I'm not a doormat.

I can be quite demanding and that's not healthy or conduce to a happy life. That's childish and I'm grown up enough to reign myself in now if needed.

But I can certainly stand my ground with him.

Robin- you didn’t “hit a nerve”. You just described a surrendered wide-and most people think that’s a pretty dangerous and unequal thing to be. Your further description does nothing to change that view.

What happens if you say “no”?