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Original poster

Do you think you realised how hard marriage would be before you married

265 replies

Housewife212 · 18/04/2019 22:22

I think I was very naive

I thought things would fall into place like a romcom
Love dh but I definitely don’t think most people realise it’s work

OP posts:
Echobelly · 20/04/2019 12:42

DH and I are both kids of long-lasting marriages that we know have had their challenges, and are between not the easiest people to live with, so I think we both went in knowing marriage takes work. So it's been about as hard/easy as I expected. I never expected a constant love-in with no arguments, let's face it, and that's what I got. But I've never regretted it either.

Robin2323 · 20/04/2019 12:51

Eh???
What do you want ?

If I say no
It's no

I'm happy what's your point?

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2019 13:10

“I'm happy what's your point?”

My point is that your long list of ways in which you put yourself second does not suggest a very equal relationship. And you describe your “pre work self” in a way that women in controlling relationships are often described. And that worries me.

BarbieJellyBabyBrain · 20/04/2019 13:16

I will admit that I haven't RTFT, but I don't really find marriage hard.

However, DH is literally the only person in the entire world that I can totally be myself with, he is the only person that I have a massive go at when he has pissed me off. With everyone else, including my mum, Mt siblings and my closest friends, I hate confrontation and will leave lots of things unsaid because I don't want to 'rock the boat'. With DH it's all out there, and he knows exactly how I feel all of the time Grin He is generally the same as well, although I think that, being a man, his emotions aren't at quite as at the forefront as mine are.

I really think that helps our marriage actually. And the fact that I am totally comfortable doing that as well. There are no games, playing each other off or anything, it's just all there.

Robin2323 · 20/04/2019 13:36

Pre work?
I work too.

Just looked up the surrendered wife.
I have Never read it.
Title sounds a bit naff.

I don't feel I'm surrendering anything.

But I do believe I'm responsible for my own happiness.

Even mn says that.

Why is me making myself happy dangerous?

BishopBrennansArse · 20/04/2019 13:37

First time around no.
Second time yes.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2019 13:39

“Pre- work self”- the person you were before you did the work on yourself that made you the person you are now.

Robin2323 · 20/04/2019 13:41

Sorry pre work - change of attitude.

However I was not happy pre work : attitude and I am now.

I can do what I want
Go where I want
I've never been controlled

n0ne · 20/04/2019 14:20

I found marriage a breeze, until we had kids. Now it's hard. I hope it gets easier as they get older - DH and I still love each other and don't have big arguments or hold grudges, but I did tell him to fuck off yesterday which was a new low Sad

Moonchild1987 · 02/05/2019 06:59

@BertrandRussell of course once you share a life with someone you take them into consideration. My list sounds very similar to @Robin2323.

  1. I make sure to do the majority of the house work and chores.
  2. I schedual my plans around partner
  3. I make sure that if we go out to eat it is some where he wants to go to as well
  4. I plan holidays both of us will enjoy.
  5. Compromise on decor in the house
  6. I don't nag him to do stuff
  7. I do my best to put him first
  8. I speak to him the way I would be spoken to.

Why do I do that?

  1. More time to do fun stuff together rather then chores is that not a win for all?
  2. It is a curtesy that we both extent to each other. With 3 pets it is vital we know what the other person's plans are in advance. Also we eat dinner together so I do need to know if that plan changes
  3. Again he extends the same curtesy to me so none of us eat food we hate.
  4. Same as point 3
  5. He does not live in a pastle colored feminine house, I don't have to put up with a black or brown monochrome bachelor pad.

It's part of growing up and means you don't always come first. It is a two way street. My friends and family all comment how nice he is and how much he spoils me but fail to see he is just giving back what I put in. Does it take work? maybe in some sense but I enjoy doing it. Is it hard? the chores around the house would be but not getting myself to do it is for the greater good of the household

londonrach · 02/05/2019 07:02

I found it easier, someone to share the burden.

Robin2323 · 02/05/2019 10:43

@Moonchild1987
Thanks
You've made my day. Lol
Sometimes I get a battering on here.
Your list is great.
I have a rich and rewarding relationship with dh.
21 years married yesterday and together 25 years.
We are both so happy.
I've never felt so relaxed and secure in my relationship.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/05/2019 10:44

I don't find it hard, it's exactly how it was before we got married

teyem · 02/05/2019 10:50

My marriage is hardly any work at all. We've been together for almost twenty years and there's only been a few times when life has squeezed a little too hard and we had to be conscious about being a team and not withdrawing from one another.

BossAssBitch · 02/05/2019 11:17

I don't find marriage hard work at all, in fact I have never been happier.

Marriage actually makes my life easier; we are a team, there is a lot of respect between us and we want to make one another happy.

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