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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I allow DD (6) to stay at this party?

187 replies

unsureparty · 18/04/2019 19:10

I have a DD 6 and I have been with my partner for 18 months. She adores DP, and we have recently started staying over his house on occasions. She has her own little bedroom at his house and she loves 'sleeping over.'

Tomorrow evening DP is having an Easter party at his house with his friends, I have met all of his friends on several occasions. I have no childcare for the evening so if I am going to attend then DD would need to stay over with us. It is an adult party but of course I would not be drinking if she is sleeping upstairs.

The trouble is, his friends are very much still in the 'lad' culture. They are all late 20's, but frankly behave like teenagers. They often cannot control their alcohol intake and will get smashed. There was an occasion recently where me and DD were staying over, and two of his mates came over for dinner only to end up sleeping over in the spare bedroom, which I had no idea would be happening. Neither did DP, he was very much put on the spot. He has assured me it will never happen again.

DP really wants me to come to the party as it's an annual Easter tradition he has, and he wants me there. I have said I am concerned that:

  1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!
  1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.

DP is assuring me and swearing blind that the above categorically will not happen. He will be telling people to leave at a reasonable time and will not be put on the spot to let people stay over. He also said we can put up a sign/barrier to stop people from accidentally entering her room (not sure this would stop drunken people!)

I do remember occasions as a child where I would be in bed and adults would be drinking and partying downstairs. Admittedly all was okay, I remember nothing apart from feeling left out, although my mum has some funny stories to tell about it all now.

AIBU to say no, I do not want DD staying over and I am refusing the invite? Am I being too over cautious?

OP posts:
Original poster
unsureparty · 19/04/2019 11:33

HairycakeLinehan As someone who has been sexually abused by a complete stranger in a public place, as a teenager, I am perfectly aware.

You seem to be ignoring my update about other children being there as DD staying up playing with them. Then me either heading up to bed with her or leaving when the other children do. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

OP posts:
HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:44

I’m not ignoring the update, I commented directly after you posted it.

He seems absolutely determined to have your DD stay over and you seem absolutely determined to do as he wishes.
Strange this mention of all the other children staying over has only come to light now.

Sadly I feel we’ll meet again, over on relationships. Best of luck to you and your DD.

MarthasGinYard · 19/04/2019 11:50

'Strange this mention of all the other children staying over has only come to light now.'

Yes, I thought the same if I'm honest.

I loathe these kind of 'parties' the guy over the way is late 30's he invited us neighbours and our dc as he had his Dd staying with him who is 8. All his mates turned up, including couples steaming and the language and general vibe was awful. I ended up taking my Dd home and his Dd with me.

He was full of regret next day

Awful

Awful

MarthasGinYard · 19/04/2019 11:51

Some of the guests had their dc their most (the decent ones) left.

Felt sorry for the other dc some were toddlers.

TessaL23 · 19/04/2019 11:53

I would go!! You could always set up a WiFi baby monitor to your phone and then you would be able to keep an eye on her the whole time while she was sleeping. We have parties all the time with our friends and the kids just go upstairs to watch movies or go to bed. We are mid 30's tho.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 19/04/2019 12:05

It's just unnecessary tbh. We have friends (a couple) who often have very drunken, raucous get togethers in their house while their kids wander around until they get so tired they crash out on the sofa...and it just isn't my bag. It's ok to want better for your kids even if others around you are doing something.

missteddy · 19/04/2019 12:31

I remember being in this situation as a child, mainly it was family parties with friends of family too, no harm came of it but I remember waking up and being to shy or scared to go and find my mum and if I did the drunk grownups even though were being lovely would scare me a bit. Kids can tell when people are drunk.
I wouldn't go personally but I don't think you are u if you do.

speakout · 19/04/2019 12:39

OP you said It is an adult party but now you say there will be other kids?

So is it a family party? An adults party?

speakout · 19/04/2019 13:06

OP I am confused.

You were initiall concerned because
*1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!

  1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.*

But now

other children being there as DD staying up playing with them. Then me either heading up to bed with her or leaving when the other children do.

It sounds as if you have made up your mind to go.

I hope you both have a wonderful evening.

PregnantSea · 19/04/2019 15:37

I would go, but I would only have one or two drinks and if stuff got too rowdy or if a suspicious/dodgy person turned up then I would take DD home. I would also be checking on her regularly.

If he doesn't stick to his word about those things never happening again then I would be livid. This is a good opportunity to see if he meant what he said.

Missingstreetlife · 19/04/2019 18:05

Also drunk people seem to hint it's funny to give children a sip of their drink, if several people do this you've got a sick child

Missingstreetlife · 19/04/2019 18:06

Think, not hint

okuuur · 19/04/2019 23:06

How did things go OP?

Original poster
unsureparty · 20/04/2019 10:48

Just wanted to update for those that were asking:

The party was nothing as I’d imagined it. It was set out as a big garden party, DD really enjoyed playing with the other children there. There was alcohol but nobody went OTT with it. I think the stories of alcohol fuelled lads nights out and holidays had given me the impression that this would be the same sort of thing. I took DD to bed at 11pm when the other children had left. The party had wound down by the point anyway so the rest of us just sat downstairs for a bit. Nobody ended up crashing and staying over.

Seems I was right to put trust in my manipulative DP after all Wink

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 20/04/2019 11:02

Well done for being right, OP.

Nice smug last line, there. You started the thread, and you posted the (ongoing) information that everyone based their advice on.

If we were wrong, it was only because of that.

speakout · 20/04/2019 11:12

Not sure why you started this thread OP.

  1. You wanted advice
  2. You painted a grim situation of a likely scenario
  3. You rejected advice ( based on your concerns remember)
  4. You went anyway and all was well
  5. You now feel victorious.

Go buy yourself a little prize.

Original poster
unsureparty · 20/04/2019 11:21

I asked for advice on here, provided updates (which people ignored or intimated were somehow made up) and was accused that I was essentially a doormat and being emotionally abused!

Every other thread on here is accusing DP’s of being abusive or LTB or the OP as being emotionally manipulated or abused. It’s insane how quickly people derail and make bold statements based on - albeit provided - little to no information.

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 20/04/2019 11:24

It’s insane how quickly people derail and make bold statements based on - albeit provided - little to no information.

Confused

Try re-reading your OP?

Original poster
unsureparty · 20/04/2019 11:28

I was referring to DP being manipulative and abusive.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 20/04/2019 11:36

I think if it was your own home it would be different.

But going to a different house and staying over, waking up possibly to loud noises or shouting... bit scary for a 6 year old.

My parents had loads of parties too when we were little but it was always in our own home.

speakout · 20/04/2019 11:44

OP it is you who have been giving us this information.

He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this.

You quoted this - and you think posters are wrong in their summation?
Even with context that seems a disturbing thing for a man in any situation to say.

Now you say us posters have it all wrong- what are people expected to think when you describe your boyfriend in such glowing terms?

YemenRoadYemen · 20/04/2019 11:54

You are the one who has pitched their own DP as a bit of a ... um ... sub-standard specimen.

Cheekyfeckery · 20/04/2019 12:00

How very gracious you are OP.

Everyone answered based on the information YOU provided, out of concern for YOUR child.

No need to be a dick.

SarahMontague · 20/04/2019 12:12

Oh God you sound awful.
Self-righteous, back tracking, manipulative and as you yourself suspect, manipulative.

You need to read the book Predatirs as you are a gift for the subjects within the book

If you’d said it was a fucking garden party everyone would have said great.

SarahMontague · 20/04/2019 12:12

Predators