Should I allow DD (6) to stay at this party?

[unsureparty]

I have a DD 6 and I have been with my partner for 18 months. She adores DP, and we have recently started staying over his house on occasions. She has her own little bedroom at his house and she loves 'sleeping over.'

Tomorrow evening DP is having an Easter party at his house with his friends, I have met all of his friends on several occasions. I have no childcare for the evening so if I am going to attend then DD would need to stay over with us. It is an adult party but of course I would not be drinking if she is sleeping upstairs.

The trouble is, his friends are very much still in the 'lad' culture. They are all late 20's, but frankly behave like teenagers. They often cannot control their alcohol intake and will get smashed. There was an occasion recently where me and DD were staying over, and two of his mates came over for dinner only to end up sleeping over in the spare bedroom, which I had no idea would be happening. Neither did DP, he was very much put on the spot. He has assured me it will never happen again.

DP really wants me to come to the party as it's an annual Easter tradition he has, and he wants me there. I have said I am concerned that:

1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!

1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.

DP is assuring me and swearing blind that the above categorically will not happen. He will be telling people to leave at a reasonable time and will not be put on the spot to let people stay over. He also said we can put up a sign/barrier to stop people from accidentally entering her room (not sure this would stop drunken people!)

I do remember occasions as a child where I would be in bed and adults would be drinking and partying downstairs. Admittedly all was okay, I remember nothing apart from feeling left out, although my mum has some funny stories to tell about it all now.

AIBU to say no, I do not want DD staying over and I am refusing the invite? Am I being too over cautious?

The difference here for the posters who have had parties at home with their friends is that they knew these people well. They have invited them. OP is in a situation where she doesn’t know these people well, it isn’t her home so she doesn’t have the same security and control.

I wouldn’t do this, not only because it doesn’t sound like a child friendly party, but also because you don’t sound like you want to go but don’t want to upset your DP. I also wouldn’t trust people I don’t know with my sleeping child.

The parties I used to go to in my 20s would be no place for a 6yr old, even if all revelling was kept downstairs. Don’t go. You’ll not enjoy yourself because you’ll be worried.

I wouldn't go. There is a niggling voice inside you telling you this wouldn't be right for your DD. It sounds like you really want to go and that is understandable but I don't think it would be enjoyable for you if your Dd is asleep upstairs and you would be worrying about her if things did get rowdy.

I wouldn't go unless l could leave her with a babysitter at home.

If you’re going to stay sober and keep checking on your daughter to make sure that a drunk doesn’t go in her room... then go but otherwise stay at home

@Londonbum I think a few peoe are concerned DP or his friends are paedophiles.

Sorry op I agree with the others.
The only people this benefits are your dp and you.
As someone else said, her mothers boyfriends adult party is not the place for a small child.

*might be not are

There is something very different about a gathering of families - adults enjoying a few drinks, while the kids (plural) hang around / play together.

You know everyone there, and the get-together is for the kids, as well.

Taking a 6YO to a 20-something party is completely different. It just is. I've been to many, many of both.

I wouldn't do it. And I'd be looking massively askance at this comment:

"He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this."

Is he, now?

Lastly, I'm sure he has every intention of insisting everyone leaves at the end of the night.

Doesn't mean it's going to happen - especially if there's anyone (and there's bound to be) who's simply passed out. You can't exactly have a rationale conversation, and insist they leave, can you?

It depends

If trust him. But be prepared to leave.

So - in summary - either get a babysitter and go by yourself, or don't go.

What's your Mum doing, given she's so keen that you go?!

Nope. You don’t really know these people. You’ve only been with your boyfriend for 18 months. It’s not the environment for a child in these circumstances.

Your boyfriend seems too keen to make this happen and even that makes me uncomfortable.

Redirect your energy to finding a babysitter and cancel the ‘sleepover’.

Even without a DD in tow, the idea of a party of drunken lads sound like a horrible evening

Why would the other guests - sober or otherwise - want someone else's six yr old at their annual party? Buzzkill, and intrusive.

Imo you leave your dd wide open to risk. They may be his friends but are strangers to your dd.
Unless you intend to sit in her doorway all evening it's a no from me.

I would go, but as your not drinking, if it starts getting out of hand, take DD and go home.

No way. You’d need to guard your child continually, so why bother going?

I still remember being put to bed at a party at that age only to wake up with a drunken man next to me. It was terrifying. And though I have no recollection of him doing anything it was clear to me from a young age that my parents couldn’t be trusted to make me safe.

Also, our family get-togethers involve the kids staying up until it's time for everyone to leave - yes, often well past bedtime, but it's an occasional thing.

No-one is putting their young child to bed, leaving them somewhat vulnerable, alone in a room.

I'm still adamant that, with the best will in the world, there will be one or two sleeping over. If two mates coming over for dinner results in them sleeping over, how can a bona fide, party with multiple guests, not end up the same?

I'm not sure why several people think these men are a danger because the OP doesn't know them. The vast majority of sexual abuse is by male friends of the family or male relatives. And it isn't a remote possibility but frighteningly common.

I don;t think the risk to the 6 year old is peadophilic attack.

I think it is behaviour caused by drunkeness.
There may be swearing, shouting, adult topics being discussed, unihibited couples petting, people throwing up in toilets.drunken arguments.
All these things are possible when people - in the OPs words " get smashed",

None of these things should be seen or heard by a 6 year old.

Lots of people known to the parent, in the child's home, having a drink is very different to this set up. Not her home, people mum doesn't know, who have a reputation for drinking to the point of doing stupid stuff and getting raucous? Nope.

What Speakout said It's not about paedophilic stuff, it's about people doing what they do at parties and letting them have their party and letting it go as mad as they want them to if they're laddish. Do you really want to be hovering around making sure drunk couples don't try to go upstairs, or coughing to mask the sound of vomiting? Do you want to make sure all the people who fall asleep drunk downstairs or puke are out of the way when your daughter comes down the following morning? We hosted a family party recently (put onto us, we didn't have a choice) and while it was mostly grand before the kids went to bed we basically had a few drunken people sitting laughing at the kids hysterically and asking them questions then laughing at the answers, was really horrible to see and we got the kids out of there. Adults and kids and huge amounts of drink should just never be in the same house

He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this.

I’d be very adamant it was my call as her mother. Does he respect your final say as her mother generally or is it just this instance he thinks he knows best?

Op you only HAVE to trust your OWN gut.

Sorry my another for the ‘No’ camp. You’d never forgive yourself If something happened.