Should I allow DD (6) to stay at this party?

[unsureparty]

I have a DD 6 and I have been with my partner for 18 months. She adores DP, and we have recently started staying over his house on occasions. She has her own little bedroom at his house and she loves 'sleeping over.'

Tomorrow evening DP is having an Easter party at his house with his friends, I have met all of his friends on several occasions. I have no childcare for the evening so if I am going to attend then DD would need to stay over with us. It is an adult party but of course I would not be drinking if she is sleeping upstairs.

The trouble is, his friends are very much still in the 'lad' culture. They are all late 20's, but frankly behave like teenagers. They often cannot control their alcohol intake and will get smashed. There was an occasion recently where me and DD were staying over, and two of his mates came over for dinner only to end up sleeping over in the spare bedroom, which I had no idea would be happening. Neither did DP, he was very much put on the spot. He has assured me it will never happen again.

DP really wants me to come to the party as it's an annual Easter tradition he has, and he wants me there. I have said I am concerned that:

1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!

1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.

DP is assuring me and swearing blind that the above categorically will not happen. He will be telling people to leave at a reasonable time and will not be put on the spot to let people stay over. He also said we can put up a sign/barrier to stop people from accidentally entering her room (not sure this would stop drunken people!)

I do remember occasions as a child where I would be in bed and adults would be drinking and partying downstairs. Admittedly all was okay, I remember nothing apart from feeling left out, although my mum has some funny stories to tell about it all now.

AIBU to say no, I do not want DD staying over and I am refusing the invite? Am I being too over cautious?

He's adamant you need to trust him?

Red flags here.

I'm curious as to why you've asked this question on here as it sounds like you've decided to take her.

Anyone could nip in and do anything in seconds or minutes. She may never tell you. You'd never know. You don't know these men, drunk or otherwise. Posters who are saying this type of response haven't been abused. It's frighteningly common.

Sorry - who are saying that this type of response is over the top/can't see an issue is what I meant.

IdblowJonSnow

I am sorry for your trauma.

And of course it is possible that someone may pop into this child's bedroom at the party and cause her harm.

But if the OP is basing her decision on the likelyhood of abuse then she may thing that is a low risk and unlikley outcome.

And while possible the risks are relatively low for that one single ocassion, so the OP may think that it is a relatively safe scenario.

However some of us are pointing out that the risks of this child seein or hearing other unsuitable behaviour is very high.
She may witness arguments, shouting, swearing, vomiting, brawling, couples heavy petting etc.

The risk of her seeing this is high.

So that is why some of us are saying the party is a bad idea for a child.
We are not underestimatiing the seriousness or prevalence of abuse, but pointing out likely risks.

A child should not be in an adult party, I would not be throwing one as a parent in the house with sleeping kids upstairs. Your dp sounds very pushy and not respectful, it is not his decision, you are her mum it is your say.

You do not know these people. End of!

I haven't said I've had any trauma so save your sympathy for me thanks. But I know so many people who have been abused in identical situations. This is how grooming can start also.

I also agree that abuse aside it's generally a terrible environment for a six year old to be in. Not sure of the point of your post to me actually!

Let's not derail this thread any further!

My mum and dad used to host lots of parties when I was a young kid (the neighbours all took turns hosting). I remember hating the shouting, the loud drunk cackles, seeing all the empty wine boxes etc. Hated it. I personally wouldn't go - it's not necessary to attend.

I would go with my first instincts not to go on something like this, and I think you should, too. There will be other social occasions where you can make better arrangements.

I am going to buck the trend here - but I'd go. You can keep an eye on her, he obviously wants you to meet his mates (which is great), and he has said it won't happen again. It seems like you have been in 2 different worlds - his more laddish and yours a less so because you have a DC. These worlds are now coming together - go but just make sure you keep an eye on her. They sound only "laddish" not horrible after all. Enjoy!

IdblowJonSnow

I am not derailing- I am responding to your point.

BlueJava op has said it is an adult party, so there will be lots of drinking and drunk behaviour, really not what a 6 year old should witness, even if they are upstairs, she can still hear it. You can't stop a wandering person in the bedroom, or someone being sick loudly. It is not a naice family occasion at all! Your concerns are valid, and you have to keep your dd safe. Your dd comes first in all this. I don't think you trust your partner to police it properly, he cannot, it is very difficult to control drunk people.

BlueJava

How can the OP " keep an eye on her" while tyhe child is upstairs in a bedroom and the OP is downstairs at the party?

The party wouldn't bother me. The drunken wandering would. Tricky one to call. Unless you make upstairs out of bounds. How comfortable would your DD feel if she woke in the night and wanted you. Would she be able to seek you out?

Not a chance. I think you and DD will survive not attending a lad's bingefest.

The fact is OP, you have reservations.

That’s your answer.

No one should be persuading you otherwise when it comes to your own child.

There will be other parties.

If there’s no drugs, and there’s not 40 people, I’d go.

I’d make upstairs off bounds, probably with a stair gate because anyone smashed is going to have a right palaver getting through it.

Tonight I’m going to old friends for a party. DD is going to come too, she will be asleep before we get a takeaway, and will sleep until the morning just fine.

If you come on here asking these sort of questions you will mostly be told, if you wander more than 3feet from you precious DC you will burn in hell!!

If you are sober, take her to the party and let her stay over, there actually is nothing wrong with seeing a drunk person before you are 18😂

Trust your DP, he knows you won’t forgive him if he lets you down, but also remember he won’t want to be looking out for sexual predators all night so you will have to!!

This site is so precious and this question is not one you will get a fair answer to.

He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this

There is something about this that makes me uncomfortable, looks very coercive.

Also, taking a child to a party full of people I don’t know who have form for immature drunken ‘laddish’ behaviour ? It would be a no from me.

My children wouldn't be going, you don't know these people.

Drunk people can get violent and aggressive, quite frankly it can be scary for an adult, let alone a young child, op has said that these friends, have put op dp on the spot and they wandered upstairs, if there is only one loo, and it is upstairs, they will have to go upstairs. There is no need for your dd to witness this.

If she wakes up, strange place, lots of noise.

Or if she comes looking for you?

I just don’t think it’s fair.

Different if it’s your party with your friends - she’ll know people and they’ll look after her. A load of drunken strangers? I wouldn’t personally.

Absolutely not. Entirely unsuitable for a child - a silly, loud, drunken party full of irresponsible and immature people. Why would you even consider that was somewhere to take a child?

You sound like you are very apprehensive about taking her (as I would be in your position).

I'm concerned that your partner is trying to get you to ignore your apprehension and to follow his views instead. Like others have said, this is a red flag.

Your parental spidey sense is tingling that this is not the best environment to take your daughter to. Please listen to it.

It also sounds like you wouldn't have a good time yourself, worrying about / checking on your daughter upstairs and not being able to relax. Your partner doesn't seem to be considering what's best / fun for either you or your daughter, but wants his wants satisfied.

He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this

This makes me wary. If you are feeling unsure about this then he needs to respect that, and not put pressure on you to go against your instincts and feel uncomfortable just to prove you trust him. YOU need to be adamant that your DD comes first, and he needs to respect your feelings about this.

OP you would not be asking if you were sure that it would be no problem.

Just find childcare if you want to go.