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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I allow DD (6) to stay at this party?

187 replies

unsureparty · 18/04/2019 19:10

I have a DD 6 and I have been with my partner for 18 months. She adores DP, and we have recently started staying over his house on occasions. She has her own little bedroom at his house and she loves 'sleeping over.'

Tomorrow evening DP is having an Easter party at his house with his friends, I have met all of his friends on several occasions. I have no childcare for the evening so if I am going to attend then DD would need to stay over with us. It is an adult party but of course I would not be drinking if she is sleeping upstairs.

The trouble is, his friends are very much still in the 'lad' culture. They are all late 20's, but frankly behave like teenagers. They often cannot control their alcohol intake and will get smashed. There was an occasion recently where me and DD were staying over, and two of his mates came over for dinner only to end up sleeping over in the spare bedroom, which I had no idea would be happening. Neither did DP, he was very much put on the spot. He has assured me it will never happen again.

DP really wants me to come to the party as it's an annual Easter tradition he has, and he wants me there. I have said I am concerned that:

  1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!
  1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.

DP is assuring me and swearing blind that the above categorically will not happen. He will be telling people to leave at a reasonable time and will not be put on the spot to let people stay over. He also said we can put up a sign/barrier to stop people from accidentally entering her room (not sure this would stop drunken people!)

I do remember occasions as a child where I would be in bed and adults would be drinking and partying downstairs. Admittedly all was okay, I remember nothing apart from feeling left out, although my mum has some funny stories to tell about it all now.

AIBU to say no, I do not want DD staying over and I am refusing the invite? Am I being too over cautious?

OP posts:
PlaymobilPirate · 19/04/2019 08:43

I'd go BUT I'd bunk in with dd. I'd not leave her alone overnight if people were potentially crashing over.

YemenRoadYemen · 19/04/2019 08:45

What's the point in going to an adult party, if you're going to go to bed at the same time as a 6YO?

Either get a baby sitter or stay at home?

Missingstreetlife · 19/04/2019 08:59

No, it's not her home. Not appropriate. Go for the early part and let dd stay up late and then take her home, or give it a swerve.

HBStowe · 19/04/2019 09:06

I wouldn’t go either, I think you’re being sensible.

martinidry · 19/04/2019 10:03

No. Drunk people are unpredictable. Drunk people who are friends you stand a chance of being able to deal with if they become unreasonable. Drunk strangers, not one chance.

In your own home you have control over who enters, what they do and when they leave. In someone else's home, not one chance.

What happens if you attend, decide to leave because guests are concerning you, and two of them are on the stairs having a drunken, foul mouth, aggressive argument as you try to carry your little girl downstairs? You want your child to see that? Children don't need to see or be around drunks. They don't need it made normal.

Also your boyfriend's insistence that you trust him with decisions about your child's welfare is worryingly controlling and weird.

MarthasGinYard · 19/04/2019 10:06

No chance

standardaccount · 19/04/2019 10:07

Nah I wouldn't.

DizzyPhillips · 19/04/2019 10:14

Does he want to show off about playing daddy?

RestingBitchFaced · 19/04/2019 10:16

Doesn't sound much fun being sober around drunk people. If your not drinking can't you drive home after a few hours? Assuming you drive

BlueMerchant · 19/04/2019 10:25

All your responses suggest you are going to the party. You seem to have an answer for all the questions.
I personally, like the majority of people wouldn't.

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 10:38

It really doesn’t matter if he’s adamant that you need to trust him.

This isn’t about him. He shouldn’t be making it so.

It isn’t a reflection on how you feel about him. You don’t have to trust his friends (or him) because he says you do.

And if he is using this to manipulate you, to prove that you trust him, that’s a massive red flag right there.

Don’t put your child in the middle of this, and don’t let him put your child in the middle of it - to be used as some sort of proof of your feelings.

Go to the party with her, let her stay up late and take her home early doors. Then they can party, she will wake up in her own bed and you’ve compromised.

You’re a mother with a child. Everything is a compromise.

WildfirePonie · 19/04/2019 10:39

I wouldn't take my kid to a party full of drunk strangers.

Enjoy the party OP.

Original poster
unsureparty · 19/04/2019 10:47

I have just found out that there are going to be 4/5 other children there, other children of some of the couples going. Varying ages from 3 - 9. I wasn't aware of this when making my original post, some of the other couples couldn't find childcare, so have let DP know they will be bringing their children. I think I may have over reacted based on what DP has said about the immaturity and laddish behaviour of some of his friends. He is assuring me that this kind of behaviour at home parties hasn't occurred in years, and the laddish behaviour is mostly on nights out/holidays.

I don't think him asking me to trust him is weird or manipulative. I have met his friends many times, been out with them etc. but I have never been in this situation with them before. Of course he is going to know more than me about how they behave and how the general party will go!

I trust the fact that there will be other parents bringing their children, and my DD is excited to meet and play with the other children. When it gets late and the other children are going home (ditto if the party does get rowdy) I will either leave at the same time or take DD to bed, depending on the circumstances.

OP posts:
HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 10:51

He really has you where he wants you doesn’t he?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 19/04/2019 10:53

If they're getting smashed level drunk, no.
If it's a more chilled out 'garden party', then yes.

YemenRoadYemen · 19/04/2019 10:54

He sure does.

You want to go to the party, so be it.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 19/04/2019 10:55

Just seen the update.
It sounds like she'll have a lovely time.

Original poster
unsureparty · 19/04/2019 10:56

There's been situations where I've asked my DP, family or friends to just 'trust me' as I've experienced something before and they haven't. So I guess I must be manipulative and emotionally abusive too Hmm

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 19/04/2019 11:08

You've and them to just 'trust you' about their children?!

Original poster
unsureparty · 19/04/2019 11:16

YemenRoadYemen Yes. Recent example: Have taken DD to Go Ape on many occasions. A good friend of mine was very worried and concerned about taking her similarly aged DS to Go Ape when we invited them last. I told her we have taken DD many times, she loves it, very safe and to trust me as we've been many times before. The worst that could happen is he doesn't like it and gets off!

At no point did I feel I was being manipulative or abusive towards her. We all went and had a great time and are planning another trip soon. Does that make me manipulative of my friend then?

OP posts:
Margot33 · 19/04/2019 11:19

If anything happens to your child as a result of a drunken party then social services will step in. The fact you even have to post on here shows that you're not sure. How can adults be responsible for children if they're drinking too much to drive home? I think it's a bad idea.

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:21

It saddens me to see the beginnings of this sort of subtle coercion but really angers me when people, like you OP, risk their DCs safety and well-being for the sake of giving in to the coercion.

Original poster
unsureparty · 19/04/2019 11:25

" YemenRoadYemen Yes. Recent example: Have taken DD to Go Ape on many occasions. A good friend of mine was very worried and concerned about taking her similarly aged DS to Go Ape when we invited them last. I told her we have taken DD many times, she loves it, very safe and to trust me as we've been many times before. The worst that could happen is he doesn't like it and gets off!

At no point did I feel I was being manipulative or abusive towards her. We all went and had a great time and are planning another trip soon. Does that make me manipulative of my friend then? "

HairycakeLinehan - Does this make me coercive and manipulative? Genuinely concerned I don't know the boundaries of normal...

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 19/04/2019 11:28

The controlling comments are ridiculous. Unless he's saying it's all over if you don't go, he's just showing he wants you there.

My initial thoughts were go, but stay sober and sleep in with her, not DP, if other people stay over.

Now the update says other children are going, I think let her stay up and join in and then take her home, as you said. It totally changes the dynamic that there will be children there anyway

HairycakeLinehan · 19/04/2019 11:29

Genuinely concerned I don't know the boundaries of normal...

You said yourself the worst that could happen at Go Ape is child doesn’t like it and gets off.
Worst case scenario in the case of a party with drunken “laddish” behavior and people wandering into different rooms is your child could be sexually abused. It happens, much more regularly than you would think (I work with victims of sexual abuse)

So I think you are right to be genuinely concerned that you don’t know the boundaries of normal.