Should I allow DD (6) to stay at this party?

[unsureparty]

I have a DD 6 and I have been with my partner for 18 months. She adores DP, and we have recently started staying over his house on occasions. She has her own little bedroom at his house and she loves 'sleeping over.'

Tomorrow evening DP is having an Easter party at his house with his friends, I have met all of his friends on several occasions. I have no childcare for the evening so if I am going to attend then DD would need to stay over with us. It is an adult party but of course I would not be drinking if she is sleeping upstairs.

The trouble is, his friends are very much still in the 'lad' culture. They are all late 20's, but frankly behave like teenagers. They often cannot control their alcohol intake and will get smashed. There was an occasion recently where me and DD were staying over, and two of his mates came over for dinner only to end up sleeping over in the spare bedroom, which I had no idea would be happening. Neither did DP, he was very much put on the spot. He has assured me it will never happen again.

DP really wants me to come to the party as it's an annual Easter tradition he has, and he wants me there. I have said I am concerned that:

1. Drunken people may wander accidentally into her bedroom. We cannot keep an eye on all of the guests and as I said, they are very immature!

1. In addition to the above, I am concerned that people will end up 'crashing' in the spare bedroom/living room/wherever they can basically. Not particularly happy with the possibility of DD waking up to random men/women/people all over the house.

DP is assuring me and swearing blind that the above categorically will not happen. He will be telling people to leave at a reasonable time and will not be put on the spot to let people stay over. He also said we can put up a sign/barrier to stop people from accidentally entering her room (not sure this would stop drunken people!)

I do remember occasions as a child where I would be in bed and adults would be drinking and partying downstairs. Admittedly all was okay, I remember nothing apart from feeling left out, although my mum has some funny stories to tell about it all now.

AIBU to say no, I do not want DD staying over and I am refusing the invite? Am I being too over cautious?

Go, if it gets laddish and you are worried, turn in with her.

Fwiw me and dh had loads of bbqs when dd was a similar age. We were a bit older but still had friends round in the summer. Dd would stay up (there were usually other dcs), then when I put her up to bed the music got turned down a bit and people were respectful.

The worse thing is you and dd will squash up in a single bed for the night, be woken up by noise and then you know not to bother again. You could always go, not drink and drive home if necessary.

It's not like you are dropping her off and leaving her. You are there. Could she not stay up later and both of you go home about 9.30pm or both go to bed maybe? I couldn't see either of my dcs going up at the usual time at a party.

Meh. Unless they are going to be doing drugs as well as drinking, it's not like they are going to harass your DD or sacrifice her to Satan or anything. But are you going to be trotting round all night with a catsbumface, counting every drink everyone has? If so, then it's best if you and DD stay home.

I really can't see the problem here. OP will be there to judge if it's 'getting out of hand'.

Nah, doesn't feel right to me. Of course people might say 'but Ginger haven't you ever had people over while DS is in bed asleep?' Why yes I have but a) I knew them all personally and b) none of them would be getting rat arsed enough to wander into his bedroom or collapse on the floor until morning.

I think if your DP wants to play family man he need to realises that these kinds of parties aren't really on any more, unless you just give it a miss. I'm guessing none of his other pals have kids?

I think go with your gut instinct - do you trust his word that he'll be asking people to leave at a certain time, rather than stay over? If so, then I don't personally see much problem with it... if not then avoid

I don’t see a problem with a child being asleep upstairs during a party but the idea that they are very immature and it’s quite possible one could wander into her room (possibly looking for somewhere to crash rather than anything sinister) would be a big no from me. Can you sleep in the same room as her? So you can go to bed at a reasonable hour and stay in the room with her so if anyone was to come in etc, it wouldn’t be a big deal. You know these people, people in their 20’s getting drunk is a big spectrum and only you know how out of control you think it might get.

I do trust him completely. He is totally different to all of his friends in terms of maturity and has given me no reason to question his word in the past. I do believe he would tell people to leave at a certain time.

@Londonbum I don't have drunk people around my kids, they don't need to see that or think it's normal at that age (my eldest is 6). TBF me and DH don't get drunk and as a child I never saw anyone drunk, so it seems strange to me to have children around drunk adults. I wouldn't go OP, I would either get a babysitter or stay home.

It's weird to even think of taking her.

Stay home and let him act like a teenager by himself.

I would of course be checking on her regularly. DP has also suggested I bring her old baby monitor for reassurance! He is very adamant that I need to trust him on this.

Nope. Laddish friends sound awful, and I'd be looking askance at him for the company he keeps.

I don't like my kids being around heavy drinking and drunk people. 🤷

I would go, put DD to bed there then leave with her and take her home asleep before it gets too rowdy.

You mean he’s putting pressure in you to make a decision about what’s best for your child’s welfare.

Don’t go. To be frank OP I ‘m struggling to see what you see in your DP.

Someone uptbread voiced what no one wanted to be the first to say.
Absolutely anybody could sneak into that room. The more people there are there, the greater the chance of it happening.
A baby monitor will be useless
She may be fine, but she may well not be
I’m certainly not worried about her seeing a drunken adult.

I am with @KittyInTheCradle. Is it any different to a big group camping etc sat outside the tent having a drink and a laugh?

Clearly you want to go so why are you even asking. You’re not listening to the very many people telling you that bringing your daughter to this kind of environment is not a good idea.

ElloBrian Obviously I want to go but DD comes first, of course. I have reservations about this, but have been told not to by DP and my mum who used to have similar parties when we were little and in bed upstairs! I have had DD stay over at family parties before with friends of family I didn't know, with adults drinking sometimes to the point of being quite drunk (Christmas, New Year etc.). So wanted to know other peoples opinions and what they would do in this situation.

Another no vote here. It could be fine, it could not but it seems like a pointless risk. Also sounds like he's putting pressure on you?

Absolutely no way. I'm pretty relaxed about stuff, but don't think it's fair to put a child to bed in a house where there's a loud party going on and drunk people wandering around. Imagine for a minute being 6 years old and waking up to drunken shouting, it would be so scary for her.
Either get a baby sitter or give the party a miss and stay at home.

Adults drinking until they are drunk sounds like a horrible environment. I think you would be absolutely irresponsible to have a small child upstairs whilst this is happening.

No. Maybe an hour there along with her if absolutely unavoidable. Then go home together.

Does nobody ever have a party ever not once eve once they've had kids?

We've had parties in our house since DD was born (she's 15). Sometimes we've had people stay over although we knew before and she'd been told. They were FAR more surprised than her when she wandered in at 6 am and asked them for a story (she was 4). I've also been to many parties at friends' houses where kids are asleep upstairs.

BUT - although they were parties, with drinking & music & noise, there were no drugs, and it wasn't out of control, just adults chatting and joking around while drinking. If it's going to be the kind of party with drugs then that would be different.

Nope.

At six she doesn’t need to be having sleepovers at her mother’s boyfriend’s house. She needs to be in her own bed.

If you want to go to adult parties in the evening you need to pay for a babysitter like everyone else.

I don't see the problem with adults partying downstairs while a child sleeps upstairs- surely people can have a few drinks without wandering around so drunk they can't read or know where they are. Surely they don't turn into paedophiles when drunk?

What I don't understand is that if it's just a blokes get together why do you want to go?