Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

[PurpleMagnolia]

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

Best prepare him for independent, adult life so he can start now if you haven't already: how to cook basic meals, clean and tidy up; learn how to use the washing machine, hang things up and fold/ put away; make his own bed; use a bank account etc.

Otherwise he will be fully grown without the social or life skills needed for independent, adult life.

Then if he rejects your efforts in this too then you can kick him out with a clear conscience as I don't think he appreciates what you do or what you say.

Let us know what happens

I’ve reported inLiverpools post. What a vile comparison to make.

OP you’ve had some good advice on here. You’re in a horrendous situation but try to hang onto the hope that your son can turn things around- if he decides to. Hopefully the solid foundations of your relationship with him will be enough for him to ultimately choose a better path. For the moment though, hard though it is, I think you need to let him possibly fall further before he decides to engage. You’ve done everything within your power

I’ve PM’d you OP

It's the premeditated criminality with the total lack of remorse and the being so pleased with himself about it which is so terrifying.

You're describing a very disturbed young man.

People saying it's terrible to suggest Purple's DS could ever be violent don't know much about violent crime inside families. The behaviour she describes could escalate if her son remains at home. Getting him out is essential for his sister's well being and for everyone's safety.

Prawn- he is violent. The OP said he tries to push his stepdad about and has also thrown things. I don’t think many of us are denying the important of getting him away from the family home and stepping things up so he has consequences for his criminal behaviour.

But to make a direct comparison with a convicted rapist and murderer who tortured a young child is frankly just vile.

Sounds like my brother. Did you know that if he is diagnosed with a mental condition that affects his ability to make decisions for himself, he could be assigned an adult guardian who would be in charge of his inheritance. ie - he would be given an “allowance” from it by someone who isn’t you. Perhaps you could forget to tel him this part, but make it in his best interests to get him a diagnosis of something ASAP, then try and organize this before you get him out of the house. He would then be hassling the adult guardian for money, not you.

I know he's already been violent, Cbatothinkofaname. I was thinking of something truly catastrophic.

Well I think it’s a bit presumptuous to suggest that the rest of us don’t understand about violence

Anyway, thankfully MN have deleted that vile post

If and when you decide to tell your son to leave, this resource will be useful:

www.nightstop.org.uk/about-us

It was set up to prevent young adults, who have been made homeless, ending up sleeping rough, sofa surfing or being placed in B&B or hostels with older adults (leaving them vulnerable to abuse).

Your son needs to call and explain that he's homeless. If you do it they will fob you off.

Good luck X

Hi op.

I'm a cop and a mum to an adult ds with autism.

I wear 2 hats!

I feel your son will come to police attention anyway- it's just a matter of time sadly. Prison is full of kids/young men / men like your ds.

He is set on a path and it sounds like you have gone way above and beyond for him , there is definitely something diagnosable going on but alas I fear it may be irrelevant now anyway. He doesn't care and won't engage.

My ds went through a phase - but he didn't steal from anyone but me and it was almost unreal to him - for instance he created a computer program which topped his phone up
From my bank account- which drained it . Thank god - that phase lasted a few years but he came out the other side. Saying that I'm pretty sure he obtained credit which probably is still unpaid now ....after he moved out there was a lot I never got to find out and if truth be known - don't want to.

I'm sure no drugs were involved and he now lives in Asia where drugs incur death penalty. He likes the structure of a communist regime clearly.

My heart goes out to you. It's a car crash waiting to happen but there will be absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it for now.

Police would have limited powers but he will start being held to account for his actions I'm sure. He needs to move out and into some sort of supported living. Sometimes social services are more obliging after the police have been involved, but are in my experience pretty useless. You may have to ring them and say he is homeless. They will do absolutely everything and anything to pursuade and coerce you into housing him.
Stick to your guns is my advice.

I am so sorry you and family are going through this.

I experienced similar with my dd.
I called parent line and spoke for best part of three hours. They don't tell you what you should do, but help you make right choices.

I found talking to someone unknown and not involved with the family extremely helpful.

You could write a letter to your local council saying you are asking him to leave and they will probably have a duty to help him. He’d be put into assisted living and have a case worker who’d help him get a place of his own. Universal Credit isn’t pretty but he’d be urged to get a job.

The downside of this is that places like YMCA for young people are often party central.

Hi Purple,

I just wanted to drop by to ask how things are. No need to update if you don't want to or if there is too much to explain.

Your story really touched a nerve with me and my family situation as a child so I think of you often. I'm sure there are others like me who are hoping for all your sakes that you have turned a corner with your son and his behaviour.

Take care x

Ah thank you so much for you kind words KitchenDanceFloor. I just had to finish my university deadline before we did anything, this would have been the third year I tried and was derailed by my son if I had not kept everything calm. Son is getting worse, has only eaten a banana from home in a whole month, no idea how he is getting money to eat, and has still not paid a cent back from now 11 weeks ago, lots of warnings. So we are thinking this week is the week. Out he goes. Just getting CCTV installed before hand. My poor DD is so worried he's going to do something awful. :-(

My poor DD is so worried he's going to do something awful. :-(

He needs to go. The longer he stays the more abuse your daughter will be subjected too. Ignore those wittering on about mental illness, sometimes people are just born rotten and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Instead of trying to understand the void you need to protect yourself and your family.

Well he's had his chance (and many, many, many before this one too I'm sure).

Well done for putting yourself and your uni work first too. Once you have that qualification no one can take it away from you (as my wise mammy once told me!)

Wishing you strength, wisdom and resolve for the coming week. You know where we are if you need a rant, a weep or a handhold.

And don't forget to change the locks, otherwise he'll come back to steal whatever he can.

I think you're being really brave and doing what's best for you, you husband and daughter.

This is dreadfully sad so sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope things improve for your family x

OP be brave. You have tried your best if he is terrifying his sister, causing her worry it is out of control.
I hope your university deadline went to plan now onto plan B.
Hopefully he is shocked into turning his life around, it is a hard situation.

Glad to hear your update. This has been harrowing for you but you are doing entirely the right thing.

Make sure you tell your daughter that she does not have to open the door or let him into the house.
It doesn't matter if he says he forgot something he needs, that is important for some (lie) reason or any other excuse he comes up with.
He can come back when an adult is there.

Not sure if she is ever alone in the house but better safe than sorry.

I think you should do it ASAP.

If you do whilst he's 17, the council/social services have a legal obligation to help him and try to keep him in education. On his 18th birthday, they don't.

You aren't doing anything wrong. You're just protecting yourselves from further harm.

Well we have done it. Last Thursday at 8am I phoned him, put a small bag of stuff including essentials, clean clothes, toiletries, and I couldn't help it savlon and paracetamol, and a printed leaflet about his legal rights to housing etc outside the door and told him to pick it up and report to the council housing office. I told him to read the leaflet first to make sure he got the best help and to get straight down there to make sure he had the best chance of being sorted out with something for the weekend. It was horrible, but I did it. I had calls from him that morning asking for NI number, DR etc and a call from the housing office trying to get me to take him back. That's been it so far. True to form we hadn't seen him for two days before D day, then he turned up Wednesday night to get something from his room at 11pm, then left. Then at 3am DH went downstairs to find him creeping around the office in the dark doing lord knows what, he left. Completely freaked us out. Earlier Wednesday afternoon DD and her boyfriend, also on the spectrum, were on the bus, when my son and his shitty mates got on, surrounded DD and BF intimidated them, mocked them, grilled her about the newly installed CCTV and made horrible loud noises. Certainly helped me go through with it on Thursday. Just made my skin crawl. :-( Typically he didn't go to the housing office until the Friday. Begged a place with another Mum Thursday night, who gave him one night because she knows about the stealing. And there we are. I feel like someone has poured concrete in my head. My daughter is nervous about getting on buses, but we had a peaceful, doors unlocked weekend. It feels a bit weird not to go round without a huge bunch of keys locking and unlocking as you go. I feel like I'll never be completely safe unless we leave the country, which we are planning to do next year. Still can't believe all the energy, love, good food, nice family time, reading stories in bed, taking him to a million nice activities blah blah blah has come to absolutely naught. All very surreal.

This pretty much sounds like my brother. Although my mum never really “dealt” with it. It took him stealing from work and being imprisoned for theft...

It was still a long road... I would even describe my brother as a bit psychopathic but he changed the course of his life. Saying that he feels no remorse for what he does. He is extremely manipulative and can lie so well he convinces you that you misplaced/lost or never had whatever he’s taken in the first place.... then laughs at you down the line.

I wish my parents had dealt with it earlier and stopped making excuses for him. To me you sound like you’ve done everything and you have not enabled or minimized what he’s done. I would think reporting him to the police is tough love but he’s responsible for what he’s done. It shows his character and on this path it could get worse (because already it’s escalating). You reporting him could mean you save him making bigger mistakes with worse consequences if he allows this to be his wake up call.