Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

[PurpleMagnolia]

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

Well done Purple, and on behalf of your daughter, thank you.

This is the start of readjusting to normal family life and it is going to be very strange to start with until you can all relax into it.

My parents also felt they had to move away, but stayed in the same country. Just being an inconvenient distance away helped (it's a massive trek with public transport from our old home). They did a 'one last chance' for my brother in the new house several years after he had burned bridges locally. He abused that trust and is now not allowed over the threshold nor has he tried.

I still live in the same area as him but in different orbits and he doesn't hassle me or contact me in any way.

Sorry to merail the thread but I thought it might be helpful to see how things have turned out for a family in a similar situation. I'd love to have a sibling that I am close to and proud of, but that isn't to be. We are all at peace with the way things are now.

Wishing you all well for the future

My heart goes out to you. Such a hard row to hoe. Though the horrible way he treated his sister must have really brought home that you've made the only possible decision.

It sounds as if your son has some really serious personality disorder. I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

A young man who worked for a friend of mine had a very disturbed youth. He stole from his family and abused their trust so badly that they moved hundreds of miles away and didn't give him the address.

At the time he drank, took drugs and exploited people. Given a few years and he fell in love, became a dad and got clean. He's a very different bloke now. I don't think he's on great terms with his family - too much bad feeling - but at least they communicate now.

So there's always hope.

You won't be responsible for giving your son a criminal record. HE WILL BE!

OP that story about your DD on the bus made me feel sick for her, the poor girl. You've done the best thing all round and you did it with love and kindness, which he didn't deserve but speaks a lot about you. I hope one day he grows up and comes to his senses and can see that. Wishing you all the best x

I felt really emotional reading this. Can't believe what you've gone through! Really glad he's out the house. You've gone above and beyond over the years but enough is definitely enough!

for you. I've been thinking about you often and was so glad to read your update. I know it won't all be plain sailing for you and there will be times when you start second guessing yourself but I don't think you had any choice. At least this way you prevent any further damage to you, your husband and your dd. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best possible

@PurpleMagnolia what is it you're hoping to achieve by calling the police? They can't get you your money back, nor can the courts. He's not going to get better only worse. You need to kick him out now before it escalates, he's 17 and can fend for himself.

@Manclife1 Please read the thread properly and the update. It helps you not look so insensitive. This isn't about getting the money back, and that's not why the police would have been called

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OP, I can't say I'm "happy" to hear you have taken the steps because I'm sure as a parent it's killing you inside, but what I can say is, you did the right thing. There is only so much you can do for someone, whether they are a teen or an adult, some are just beyond help and have to learn things themselves.

I sincerely hope that this will be an awakening for him and that he begins to realise what he's been doing wrong and how lucky he was to have his family.

I would be careful with ways of him entering the house as he has done, are you able to get some form of security so that he cannot just sneak in? How was he able to get inside anyway?

I certainly know what it is like to have a toxic family person leave the home, although you wish things had not gone that way, you are also relieved that you no longer have to worry about threats and violence, that constant walking on egg shells because you just don't know what will cause them to kick off.

I hope things do get better for you all, I really do. I hope you also seek support for yourself because you do need it, you have been through a lot.

My best wishes to you and your family.

Bloody hell @PurpleMagnolia don't know how you've cope this long I mean I was a shit bag growing up but not to this level I knew when to rein it in, I'm guessing he's got a personality disorder or some sort of mental illness that'll be diagnosed in years to come? I feel so sorry for you you are doing the right thing. X

PurpleMagnolia - well done. When the dust settles you'll be able to breathe again.

If he is incredibly smart then kick him.out and he will have to use his brain to survive instead of to inflict ingenious abuse on his parents.

Well done OP, and please change the locks if you haven't already.

And if he does break into your house, please do call the police

Another one saying we'll done. I can only imagine how difficult it was but you have done your absolute best for him and now it is up to him. You gave your dp and dd to think of as well.

Wishing you a more peaceful future

Well we are a bit further in now. He has been given temporary accommodation in a flat with help from a Social Services social worker while they are due to have meeting about him next week. I am trying not to give away any details so he can't be classed as intentionally homeless, which could mean he is refused help. The calls I've had have been very probing and awful. She caught me off guard and asked me to give him money on Friday and then put him on the phone without asking me first which was horrible. She keeps talking about trying to get him back here and I keep saying he will never be coming back. I feel like getting me to give him money is a way of establishing the principle of us looking after him and I am worried that I mucked it up by agreeing to it. I just had a feeling I was being manouvered. We are finally able to breath a little at home, but any contact and I feel myself going numb and my brain just fogs over. My son asked me to bring his bedding to him and his friends were there snearing and making comments when I got there. Grim. I was trying be decent by bringing him his stuff. So humiliating I just went to bed when I got home. Does anyone have any experience/advice to stop SS. Have I mucked it up by agreeing to give him some money? I don't want to see them, meet with them and face any more questions. And I am worried about being forced to him back. :-(

SS can (& will) put a lot of pressure on you.
You can't exactly stop them because as far as their files are concerned he is currently their problem & you are his family but you absolutely do not have to ever agree to meet him or let him in the house.
Do not give in.
Remind them that you have to put your daughters welfare first.

They cannot actually force you to take him back although they may imply it heavily to see if you cave.
The fact that they would try to get you to take him back is a positive.
It means they don't think you are so terrible as parents (small consolation but take what you can that's good out of the situation)

I don't know where the law stands on the giving him money bit although personally I would refuse on the grounds that you expect it will be spent on drugs.
They won't let him starve & you know he has clothes so he has everything he genuinely needs.

You do not HAVE to meet him, you do not have to help him, you could refuse to hand over anything in person & if e.g. he was going to be given his bedding you could insist that a social worker collect it or he won't get it.

I know you are doing a hard thing, but you have to let him go & sort out his own problems now.

You've done all you can to look after your son right now.
It's time to look after your husband, your daughter & yourself.

OP this is the first time I have read about your situation.

I think you are an absolutely amazing person to have done everything you possibly can for your son.

He's on his own now. Hopefully he will turn himself around.

You can now focus on yourself, your daughter and your husband, and having the life you all deserve.

Wishing you the very best in all things from now on. My goodness do you deserve it

@PurpleMagnolia You are already aware that Social Services are trying to manipulate things. You have to be on your guard all the time. Do not be seen anywhere around where son is now. Watch out for CCTV on streets and at the establishment he is in.

I am not sure if you have other younger children at home but if you have you could say any return of son to home would be putting younger children at risk (Attack from Son/Brother or learning his ways) Putting you and DH in the position of having to have son at home would be damaging to your health (both) and therefore putting any younger children at risk of losing a parent (or both). You could be in danger of something like a stroke which would limit your abilities to care for children and make you vulnerable.
Keep a record of every call from Social Services. Ask for minutes of the call to be emailed to you, also do Freedom of Information onyour file with them. Email your DH about every call. I expect you would talk to each other but by sending emails it would create a dated and timed record of events

Thanks all, really helpful advice. I'm thinking of contacting ss in writing Monday and saying not to phone me, as she has put my emotional abuser on the line without warning me or my consent, that I will not be giving any more money, or having any further contact. They can write to me - if they have keep me informed by law. Just no, no, no and no.

@PurpleMagnolia how's it all going, OP?

Well SS did house him in the end. For anyone else reading this who might be in a similar position. This leaflet 'Housing advice for homeless 16 and 17 year olds' from The Law Centres was very helpful to understand what would happen. He was offered the full support of SS but refused it, so they offered to put him on benefits and house him under the council housing office, but he didn't do what he was told, take the housing benefit application in when he was told, repeatedly what to do, so they threw him out. As it happens he has a half sister in Ireland who has stepped in and taken him on, probably after he told her a crock of lies about how hard done by he was. I gave both the half sisters the full run down, as I didn't want them to be under any illusions. I met up with him before he left, told him not to do the same things to this side of his family and make the same mistakes, how devastated I was that things had come to this, gave him a hug and said goodbye last weekend. I have no idea what will happen now, if he will be able to get a fresh start. It's all very surreal. I don't really think there are such things as happy endings in situations like this. I find myself very jealous and sad looking at other families looking happy, but we can try to get on with our lives.

What a difficult situation for you, OP. You have my sincere sympathy.

Wait until he's 18 and report him then. The police have greater powers over an adult than over a juvenile.

He needs to learn his lesson. I'm afraid that he's going to end up with a criminal record regardless, at some point.

He will probably end up with a custodial sentence eventually, too.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I know it must feel,like you've failed but honestly you've gone over and above - he's an adult now and needs to stand on his own 2 feet.

At least he's gone and after a decade of this shit you can finally unlock the doors and have your stuff out in the open.

And you can clean his disgusting room.

You did all you could, many times. He's just an arse. Hopefully he will become less of one over time.