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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To regret having children?

284 replies

ZooNoLoo · 17/04/2019 21:42

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2019 09:33

Does this signal a change in policy then? Moderation shouldn’t depend on who is at the computer at the time. Loads of threads had fantastic contributions from mumsnetters, much more so than this one, and were deleted because they were started by PBPs.

TooStressyTooMessy · 18/04/2019 09:36

Totally agree if this is a PBP the thread should be pulled. Otherwise we just encourage them to do it again.

jonsnowlowblow · 18/04/2019 09:45

Urgh I hate the fact that I shared my personal feelings out of sympathy for the OP and it turns out their intentions may have been less than genuine. MNHQ, please pull this thread.

CupcakeDrama · 18/04/2019 09:48

I think it should be pulled aswell. Doesnt sit right with me it being up here with people sharing their stories to the op who is enjoying every minute of it.

quaterafter1 · 18/04/2019 10:11

So the op is a potentially pbp but our comments are still here for them to read as they please?

mydogisthebest · 18/04/2019 11:02

Monkeysock, It really is not a minority of women who feel this way. As others have said, do you really think any women you know would admit to you that they regretted having their children with the attitude you have?

I guess as a childfree woman other women (and men) feel it is ok to confide in me and believe me over the years many many have.

It's interesting too that many posters have said it gets easier as the children get older. An awful lot of the women who have said they would not have children if they had a second chance have older children - ranging from teenagers to grown up children with children of their own.

Me and DH didn't decide to be childfree on a whim. We actually discussed it at length. It seems a lot of people with children had little, if any, discussion. So many friends say they had children because "it's what you do"!

PurpleDaisies · 18/04/2019 11:14

I’ve started a thread in site stuff about whether threads by PBPs are now allowed if anyone wants to comment there.

Mummaofmytribe · 18/04/2019 11:19

Feel a bit funny now having posted very personal feelings higher up the thread. I shared in the spirit in which I thought the thread was intended.

Dahlietta · 18/04/2019 11:33

It's an odd one, isn't it? I understand the 'there were some interesting posts though' line of thought, but many of the posts here were quite personal and were shared, as said above, in a spirit of support. This takes on a different flavour somehow when it becomes apparent that these responses were in fact solicited for a troll's personal amusement. I wonder if they would delete posters' individual posts if they reported them?

Hearhere · 18/04/2019 11:37

The danger in women looking clear sightedly at the realities of parenthood is that we will end up with a child free society
I realise that sounds far-fetched but we need to remember that just as populations increase exponentially they also decrease exponentially,

ScrewyMcScrewup · 18/04/2019 11:37

I'm glad the thread has been left up and I wish more people would talk about this issue.

There's still this pervasive lie being sold to us all that the proper way to do life is grow up, get a degree, get a job, get married, have children. We need people speaking out to say no, that isn't the one true path to happiness. That sometimes it's a path to misery and regret.

Who cares if the OP was once banned for some mysterious offence? The hundreds of replies are valuable.

Rainatnight · 18/04/2019 11:39

Ah, such a shame, I was just thinking this morning this thread was Mumsnet at its best.

jonsnowlowblow · 18/04/2019 11:41

MNHQ deleted my comment at my request dahlietta.

Dahlietta · 18/04/2019 11:43

Ah, good, jonsnowlowblow, maybe that's the answer then, but it does rely on those who posted being aware of the later development.

BlessedFox · 18/04/2019 11:43

Who cares if the OP was once banned for some mysterious offence? The hundreds of replies are valuable.

Totally agree with this. Plus MNHQ have been known to get things wrong and ban posters for the most ridiculous of “offenses”. For all we know, the OP could have insulted an MN royal poster who got her banned. It doesn’t mean she is a troll or posting a legitimate issue.

SerenDippitty · 18/04/2019 11:50

The danger in women looking clear sightedly at the realities of parenthood is that we will end up with a child free society

So perhaps we need to accept that society conditions us to want to have children, especially as there are no longer any real economic benefits to the individual to have them as there were in the past. It's not all down to natural urges.

Hearhere · 18/04/2019 11:59

the things that we describe as natural urges or instincts are things that have been programmed into us by society and our upbringing /socialisation process
there are no immediate economic benefits to the individual but society at large (and thereby the individual) benefit from the production of new humans who are socialised to be good members of society

Hearhere · 18/04/2019 12:02

It still remains the case though that we do feel genuine love for our children, we can grow and learn from the experience of being parents
it is really hard though not everyone finds it rewarding or fulfilling and women unfairly bear most of the cost of the production of new humans

cantwait2bfree · 18/04/2019 12:13

I think to enjoy life more without getting stuck:have one child then divorce to Co parent. That way you have some free time to date, do whatever when the child is with the other parent. I love and enjoy my dd5 but hate family life because I married a wrong man. No compatible all I don’t enjoy his company.

Hearhere · 18/04/2019 12:23

If every woman only had one child the human race would die

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 18/04/2019 12:42

@Hearhere I would have no issue with that. We've fucked up the planet and killed off countless thousands of species already. Why should we have primacy? I'm not sure what sort of world your great, great grandchildren will live in.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2019 12:42

I'm still on the fence tbh. Having read quite extensively about regretting children - I'm leaning towards not doing it. But when people speak about loving their kids so much I get all dreamy-eyed about it. I'm not maternal and frankly would rather spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and listening to the radio - but that's not really a good enough reason is it.

Oddly enough I'm always bemused by the rhetoric that childfree women are selfish Confused

RedPanda2 · 18/04/2019 12:47

I love the honest reponses. As a childfree person I am constantly told I'll regret it. Maybe I'd love parenthood, maybe I'd regret it. But once a child is here there's not much you can do about it.

RedPanda2 · 18/04/2019 12:48

@VladmirsPoutine of course it's a good enough reason. You don't need to have a reason not to have children

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/04/2019 12:55

I'm not maternal and frankly would rather spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and listening to the radio - but that's not really a good enough reason is it.

Why isn’t it? I think it’s a perfectly good reason actually. Who made the rule that says if you wish to remain childfree you must justify your decision with deeply ethical and philosophical arguments? Confused. It’s fine to want to do what you want, when you want without having to consider the needs of a child which let’s face it, on a purely practical level will turn your life upside down. You aren’t harming anyone else by choosing to live without children. Cue all the usual arguments about the continuation of the human race and having someone to pay for your pension, wipe your bum in the nursing home etc.