To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

@ncagain222 Don't be nervous. This is simply NOT how the majority of mums feel about their children. You are getting a very one sided view from an extremely small number of people. The only reason there haven't been more posters on here saying "hang on, this isn't normal" is because as you can see from the few who have disagreed, they get jumped on by pps defending their and OPs frankly bizarre train of thought. Yes, everyone has days where they imagine their pre children lives and how much simpler things were (which they undoubtedly were) everyone has days where their children drive them to the brink of insanity, everyone has days where the newborn won't stop crying and after a night of no sleep, you do wonder "what the hell have I done?" But on the whole the sacrifices you make to have children will be so so worth it. There's a huge difference between a split second thought of "god life used to be so much easier" imagining pre kids you on a sunny beach somewhere with no one whining in your ears, to "I regret having children" as your default feeling throughout the day. So long as you don't jump into motherhood with rose tinted glasses, imagining this perfect situation, you'll be fine. Be realistic, it's obviously going to make your life alot harder in so many ways... you're suddenly in charge of keeping another human alive, and having to make decision after decision in their best interest, it's mentally and physically exhausting, but for the huge majority of women, it's worth every second. I find OPs admittion really upsetting and cannot fathom how anyone could ever speak about their children in such a way. She should consider getting professional help from a doctor as I don't see how someone could be having such negative thoughts of motherhood/their child without their being some sort of Depression/Anxiety at play. And I'm sure any doctor that was told "I regret having children" wouldn't brush it off and say it's "normal". Of all the mum's I know (alot) I can honestly say through all the ups and downs we've all had with our children, none of us have ever felt like we regretted becoming a parent.

monkeysock, do you understand the meaning of 'taboo'? Given what you've written above, do you think anyone in RL would share their genuine feelings with you? I don't regret having my DC, by the way.

@monkeysock Who the fuck are you to tell the OP and anyone else who feels similarly - and there have been many over the years on MN - that their genuine feelings are a "frankly bizarre train of thought"?

Fuck you.

There are lots of women who feel like the OP does. I know some. I've read many on here. But the reason so many don't say anything is because of hideous people like you coming out with that shit. There are people who spend more time deciding on what car to buy than whether they are physically, mentally, and financially ready to have children. If more women actually spoke up about these feelings, maybe more people would actually THINK about children rather than just doing it because "it's what you do".

To those people who feel that burning desire to have kids - knock yourself out. To those people who don't want kids - that's perfectly valid to. To those who aren't sure, weigh it all up, talk about it, talk about it some more - then decide what feels right for you. But don't fucking judge other people's choices or deep rooted sense of "I love being a mother" or "I hate being a mother".

Many people feel like this. In RL. Many children are unappreciative. Even I didn't really appreciate what a fabulous job (my parents, well really it was my mum )mum had done, and how she made it all look so easy, until I was much older.

I felt the same loads of times but now my son is 36 I'm so glad I have him. We have a wonderful relationship and I couldn't manage without him.
I never had any more, family life wasn't for me and I live on my own now. Don't worry your babe will be your best friend later on.

This is simply NOT how the majority of mums feel about their children. You are getting a very one sided view from an extremely small number of people.

Actually, there's a lot more people that think like this than you realise. Society, the cult of motherhood, and women like you just stop us from voicing it out life. It might be a minority of mothers, but it's a significant minority.

I find OPs admittion really upsetting and cannot fathom how anyone could ever speak about their children in such a way. She should consider getting professional help from a doctor as I don't see how someone could be having such negative thoughts of motherhood/their child without their being some sort of Depression/Anxiety at play.

And this is why you think it's a small minority. I bet your mum friends sense that judgement from you in real life so could never open up anyway. It's a legitimate way to feel and doesn't have to mean mental illness. How come someone can say they regret any other major life decision (such as moving house or country, changing jobs, getting plastic surgery) but the decision to become a mother is off limit to regret. Because opinions like yours are the most vocal, pre-children many don't get a true sense of what motherhood truly involves in order to make the right choice for themselves. So they assume that the good will always outweigh the bad... which i haven't yet found to be the case.

Of all the mum's I know (alot) I can honestly say through all the ups and downs we've all had with our children, none of us have ever felt like we regretted becoming a parent.

Like I said, I would never tell a friend like you how I feel and more times have mumbled to certain mum acquaintances exactly what you've put here. But to certain mum friends we openly share our feelings of regret... without these friends I would have found this phase unbearable (well I hope it's a phase that will pass as my children become more independent).

OP I could have written your post.
I loathed it all until my dd1 hit about 13 then it was like falling in love with this person. The way people describe they feel on seeing their newborn... I was obviously a late developer.
I also think it isn't so much the child but family life I hated, I hate baby friendly cafes and holidays (centre parcs is like torture to me), I hated having a bigger car and all the mental load that comes with families.
I resented having to be the grown up grown up in my relationship...
But.. Honestly teenagers and young adult children are the bees knees!!!! I now have four in total aa have two dsds. Life with them is unneasurably joyful.
Hang in there op... We are not all cut out to parent younger children and you sound like you are doing well

Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before, so we're closing this thread shortly.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - I'm sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

I understand you op! I never planned on having children but fell pregnant with twins very young.

The first few years of their life was nothing short of hell. Relentless, unrewarding stress every second of the day. I used to joke that I'd died and was actually living in hell

Me and dp hated each other and some days I felt there was no point in anything.

I love them dearly and couldn't imagine them not in my life, but I do wonder how my life would have panned out if I never had them.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I survive for my dc and everything I do is for them. I will never have a good job or social life. Will never go on a stress free holiday for at least another 15 years! I feel by then I will be old anyway and it will be too late for me to have my own life.

They are getting a bit easier but even while I'm writing this I'm getting bombarded with questions and demands.

Reading this back is very sad. I wish I could be enjoying them as they are lovely little people and it's not their fault there are 2 of them.

The good thing is though I do see things becoming easier so hopefully they will.

Ffs I wrote all that for nothing

@quaterafter1 it was helpful for me to read your experiences and others'. Hope it gets better for you.

Shame about the thread though

Op, can you consider stopping breast feeding? I think uou will feel you've got more of your life back if you stop this now. There really is no need for your child to still be breast feeding at 18 months.

I know exactly how you feel I love the bones off my children and would die for them ! But it's the most boring thankless job in the world I have 2 oldest is 6 youngest nearly 4 , the oldest has severe autism and other disability's so it is even harder to go out , it's not uncommon to feel the way you do x

Shame it’s a troll :(

I think having just one is harder as they want your attention 24/7 - chuck a sibling in and they will have a playmate. I was an Only and was always badgering my mum to play with me. It’s why I wanted - and luckily had - two close in age. More luck than judgment but it worked and they’re now teens and I have my life back more or less. Dh and I can go out in a whim of an evening etc.,
You do get more breaks when they’re older. My DS at 18 months was a horror but a year or so later he was ok again (but he was the much harder child to parent generally and I struggled a lot). At least now at 15 I can reason w him - a bit 😂

That's a shame this thread is being pulled.

I found it really helpful to read everyone's experiences - it is a taboo subject but no matter the OPs intentions, there are many genuine and insightful posts.

I don't think that YABU at all. As you've already got a child though you're going to have to make the best of it and I hope you manage to do so for your own sanity.

Yours are the reasons that I decided not to have children. No time for oneself, little in the way of peace and quiet. I come from a large family and I decided that the rough and tumble of family life just isn't for me. I'm sure you're not alone.

Sorry, MNHQ, I think it's the wrong call to pull this thread, whatever the provenance and intentions of the OP.

There are some really valuable posts on here and I think the thread has grown beyond its origin, iyswim.

Could you consider leaving it up? (perhaps with an edited OP or something so the PBP doesn't get entirely away with it)

There is an article in the mail today saying the same thing.
I've not read the whole thread here but I can sympathise ( although mine are in their twenties now) as it is neverending and some days just hard going.
It has so many good things though so try to hang on to that! The baby days will pass.
Things do get better.

@AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo

Sorry, MNHQ, I think it's the wrong call to pull this thread, whatever the provenance and intentions of the OP.

There are some really valuable posts on here and I think the thread has grown beyond its origin, iyswim.

Could you consider leaving it up? (perhaps with an edited OP or something so the PBP doesn't get entirely away with it)

Yes. We wouldn't normally - but that's a good idea. Ta.

I don’t agree. Threads from pbps have ALWAYS gone down to discourage them from coming back and receiving more attention. It’s totally unfair to leave this one up. There are other threads about regretting having children, or others could start a new one. What’s the point of having a policy if it isn’t applied consistently?

'I think if we (women) were allowed to grow up with a firmer sense of existing for ourselves and not for others, we would be able to make choices around motherhood more clear-sightedly. '

GOD YES. So true. One of many very insightful posts about motherhood on this thread.

I felt the longing for a child for many years but for various reasons, also knew that the reality of motherhood was not for me. After a lot of grieving, I'm coming out the other side and definitely feel that I made the right choice in staying child free. The feelings of regret and sadness shared by many parents on here make total sense to me.

@Purple No, not ALWAYS. I have known a couple of previous occasions where MNHQ have agreed to let a thread stand because of its usefulness or because it have evolved, usually because MNetters have asked for it to stay and MNHQ actually listening (I can think of other occasions when they should have listened but didn't).

I get it. I have two beautiful girls (4 and almost 2) and they’re my whole world. Wouldn’t be without them for a single second.

But omg. The relentlessness of it. Some mornings I feel like I just can’t. I’m so tired. House is shit. Work is shit (part time in a job that doesn’t really lend itself to part time working). Fat. Skint.

Yes I miss how it was. I miss not feeling irritated by my husband. I miss having money and freedom and not having a great bloody c section overhang.

I miss sleeping in till 11 at the weekends. I miss being able to casually nip upstairs to put washing away ffs, without being followed by an entourage (one of whom removes the clothes from the drawers as fast as I can put them in).

The mountains of washing. The constant mess. The constant noise. The clutter.

But no I wouldn’t be without them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me too. My DC is amazing and I wouldn't ever want to be without her and I miss her when she isn't around but my God it's so hard. I am incredulous at people who do it again and have multiple children. I lost everything at work while on mat leave which took me 4 years to claw back, I can't do much with my hours at work now, I'm permanently a bit cranky and desperate for space and I hate playing fucking shops.

But I know if I hadn't become a mother I would always be wondering what if and she is an amazing little person so it is worth it.