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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To regret having children?

284 replies

ZooNoLoo · 17/04/2019 21:42

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 19/04/2019 17:55

Jodie, please don't have children just because your husband wants them. I know of 2 marriages where the husband wanted children but the wife wasn't sure and they both had children but their marriages broke up pretty soon after.

beclev24 · 19/04/2019 21:15

@gluteustothemaximus

sympathies to you- it's so hard isn't it. Do you mind me asking if you have boys or girls and what ages yours are? Hang in there xx

Jodie571 · 19/04/2019 21:30

@mydogisthebest it’s really not just for my husband. I feel like my life is getting repetive and boring and a kid might help fill it?

I don’t mean that as if they’re toys lol but as in they make life meaningful

gluteustothemaximus · 19/04/2019 22:18

@beclev24 thank you Smile

I have 2 boys and a girl. Eldest is boy (teen) taking his GCSE's. Middle girl is 8, and youngest boy is 3. He is adorable, but also highly stressful. I've never known a child like it! You literally have to take him to the toilet with you as he will practically kill himself in under 10 seconds if left alone. Not that I would leave 3 year olds alone generally, but I could definitely leave DS1 and DD for 2 minutes to have a wee at least Grin

Jodie571 - it's a tricky one. I really think I'd be so bored without the children, and as I say, I don't have any regrets. It's just tough right now. But there have been so many amazing moments, I think I'm forgetting them with all the stress of late Sad

Don't forget people only tend to moan about stuff, they don't tell you all about the happy lovely moments as much. For example, I'm just getting over bronchitis, and my 'nightmare' 3 year old, saw me lie down on the couch as I was exhausted - he went and got me a blanket, covered me up, went and got a book to read me and sat there patting my head. It was the quietest he's ever been! It was such a sweet kind thing to do, but I didn't come on MN to start a thread on what a kind boy I have. But I would come on here for a good moan Grin

I don't have family myself, and neither does DH. We wanted 3 children, and we're so lucky that that happened for us. There is a lot to look forward to. Our children as adults, hopefully grandchildren. I do think I'd feel empty without that to think about. I have brilliant chats with my teen, and he's super level headed and a really good lad. Going to be a great man (he just needs to get on with his revision!)

Again, I do not judge anyone who doesn't want children, some people are very happy without and that's great.

beclev24 · 19/04/2019 23:46

@gluteustothemaximus aw they do sound lovely. but i know what it's like having a relentless 3 year old. DS2 was a terror at age 2-4 ish. Would bolt off into the road, climb everything, run around everywhere, into everything, massively physical and boisterous with no sense of danger plus huge tantrums. He is still a bit like that sometimes but can now also sit and concentrate on books/ art projects etc for ages and has the sweetest sweetest nature. My oldest is much more complicated but less physical- his issues are more emotional ones and he can get very angry, but they do change over time and I find mine take it turns to be the 'tricky' one. Hang in there. Hope it gets easier for you soon. x

gluteustothemaximus · 20/04/2019 01:18

Ah, thank you beclev - your boys sound similar to mine! Eldest never physical but very emotional. Youngest, just like yours. Fears nothing, always trying to escape, would run into the road etc and the biggest tantrums ever seen. Hard in the tough times, feels like forever. I’m sure it will pass. Nice to know it’s not just me x

beclev24 · 20/04/2019 01:41

@gluteustothemaximus is your girl easier? I always think girls seem easier but maybe that is just grass is greener syndrome!

gluteustothemaximus · 20/04/2019 01:50

No 🙈 she’s a nightmare. Super moody/emotional. So don’t worry about greener grass 😂

Now I feel guilty. She’s lovely in lots of ways, but lately really hard work. Like an early teenager 🙈

beclev24 · 20/04/2019 04:23

Ah- that makes me feel slightly better. My DS1 is def going through that 'early teenager' phase too and its exhausting. Good luck to you :-)

Halo84 · 20/04/2019 04:56

I haven’t read all responses but, OP, it sounds as if you are suffering from depression.

SerenDippitty · 20/04/2019 07:08

Jodie571. If you are feeling dissatisfied with your life now there is unfortunately no guarantee that children will make you feel any better about it.

Ragwort · 20/04/2019 07:49

Jodie. If you feel your life is boring and repetitive now just wait until you have DC ............I had a D.C. because my DH desperately wanted one, yes I accept my responsibility in that decision as well but it was not the right choice.

mydogisthebest · 20/04/2019 08:42

Jodie, sorry but children do not "make life meaningful". You can have a happy and meaningful life without children. As I said, almost all of my childfree friends have much happier lives than those with children.

You can't have children because you are finding life repetitive and boring. That's an awful reason. I don't honestly see how having children would make life any less repetitive and boring either. I would think with a baby particularly life would become far more repetitive and probably boring. All that nappy changing, night feeds etc. Then you have the toddler tantrums to contend with.

I don't get bored. There is so much to see and even if we don't have a lot of money

Jodie571 · 20/04/2019 08:58

Thanks for the responses you’ve given me a lot to think about. Probably more worried now though lol!

When I say make life meaningful I mean give it a purpose. When you are childfree there’s only so many meals out, nights out, free time you can have...or maybe not?!

Perhaps I’m just not ready. Another year or so I might fee differently

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/04/2019 11:11

I feel like my life is getting repetive and boring and a kid might help fill it?

Jesus. What a shockingly awful reason to have a child. Why don’t you take up a hobby instead?

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/04/2019 11:13

When I say make life meaningful I mean give it a purpose. When you are childfree there’s only so many meals out, nights out, free time you can have...or maybe not?!

Clueless. 🙄

Jodie571 · 20/04/2019 11:33

Alexambidextra, unhelpful comments. It is Ignorant to call someone an awful person that you don’t know, have never met and are in no place to judge. By my comment all I meant is that we’ve done the single life to death. I can’t see how this comment would offend you.

LeSquigh · 20/04/2019 11:34

I really get you OP. It’s very hard. I have one of nearly 8 and one of nearly 2 so a fairly big gap. My life was just getting easier when my second came along. I find it tedious and draining. I love them both with all my heart but family life is a constant circle of shift work (for both of us), cooking, cleaning and general stuff all related to children. We are rarely off work at the same time so it’s often like single parenting (I don’t mean to take anything away from the obvious struggle that it is to be a genuine single parent, it’s more a figure of speech). I have little or no time or money to do anything for myself. I often look at people with no kids and think how lucky they are to be able to get up when they want and even have a wee on their own.

Jodie571 · 20/04/2019 11:36

Also, how do children not add meaning to life and give life purpose? It is a Perfectly reasonable statement. You are the clueless one for not having any understanding and empathy for someone genuinely on the fence about whether or not to start a family.

Lottapianos · 20/04/2019 11:47

Jodie, I get that you're struggling, and I'm very sympathetic- it's an enormous decision. However, you do have a very narrow view of what life without children can be like. Anyone would get bored of doing the same stuff that you did in your 20s forever. Life changes, whether you have children or not. People who have children to give their life meaning often get an enormous shock when their children are not eternally grateful for all the sacrifices they have made. It's also an enormous burden to put on a child's shoulders. My parents had children to be 'normal' and keep up appearances, and to give their lives meaning I guess. It wasn't a fun way to grow up I can tell you. The pressure to create all of their happiness was immense and messed us all up.

I think people on here are also concerned that your husband seems to dictating that the pair of you will have children, no matter what. That is unlikely to end well for anyone involved

Jodie571 · 20/04/2019 11:48

Does anyone else get fed up with constant judgement on mumsnet when sometimes you are genuinely looking for help.

Jodie571 · 20/04/2019 11:50

Thank you lottopianos I found you’re comment helpful and food for thought x

RosaWaiting · 20/04/2019 11:52

Jodie

there's a lot you can do to give life meaning and purpose that doesn't involve having children.

There's a great line in "Notes on a Scandal" where the teacher character says "doesn't having children extend the pointlessness".

on the flip side, I don't wish to be accused of imbalance etc - I do know of people who have found that having DC has massively improved their life.

I suppose the main thing is to really think about it, really think about the everyday stuff. The sorrows and worries. For me, my parents have suffered even with me being an adult, due to a major accident and some related health issues. Also had a recent cancer scare - it got to the stage where the doctors were asking me to gird myself for the worst - they turned out to be wrong.

I've known people change their minds about planning DC after spending a holiday period with little children. One was quite crestfallen in fact, but she and her partner have a happy and meaningful life in spite of having changed their mind.

I think it's vital to be wary of having them as a cure for boredom, or because "it's what people do" etc etc.

I think threads like this are really good because it's impossible for a parent to say that they regret having a child, unless it's on a public forum.

RosaWaiting · 20/04/2019 11:57

lotta "It's also an enormous burden to put on a child's shoulders."

yes, it's really hard. After dad died, me and my sister are the only point of mum's life. We're desperate to leave London, but we can't because of mum. It would be like repeating "leaving home" etc all over again, which was horrible for mum, but now it would be inflicting it on an elderly frail person. She doesn't even have much to say to us, but it would break her heart. I hate being in this position. My sister copes better, which is good.

The80sweregreat · 20/04/2019 11:58

There was a segment on the one show the other day about ' post adoption depression'. The dad featured was so happy to adopt three older children a bit later in life but his wife struggled at first. Her honesty was refreshing. She did overcome her problems but goes to show that looking after children by any means that you have them isn't always easy to do.
They are hard work.
I do not judge anyone who doesn't have children of their own.