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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To regret having children?

284 replies

ZooNoLoo · 17/04/2019 21:42

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

OP posts:
YouveCatToBeKittenMe · 17/04/2019 22:07

I am the opposite, I feel my children are the only worthwhile thing I’ve ever done, I don’t like babies, even mine at that age but that was the only time I haven’t enjoyed them. Don’t stop worrying about them though even though they’re all grown up.

Mummadeeze · 17/04/2019 22:07

I didn’t feel the same as you, but I worked full time when my DD was little so it made the time with her something I looked forward to. Not sure if you work but if not, maybe that would help? Also, you will hopefully feel different when your DS gets older and you can converse with him. I always enjoyed being a Mum but our bond has grown and grown as my DD has developed a lovely personality etc.

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/04/2019 22:08

Remember you will be a mum for the rest of your life. 18 months is a very tiny proportion to judge it on. That probably wasn't a very helpful thought just at the moment!

Frankenterfer · 17/04/2019 22:09

You’re not alone, my amazing dc is 9 now and I still feel the same way.

BillywigSting · 17/04/2019 22:10

Op I felt very like you when my ds was 18 months, he was unplanned and I felt very much like I had had the rug pulled out from under me.

He's five now (and still an only) but I have found that it gets much easier once they can do more for themselves and be reasoned with a bit more. Don't get me wrong there is still an unpleasant element of drudgery, but it's nothing like as intense, and spontaneity and peace do start to creep back in. For me as well the older ds gets the more I enjoy his company (though it probably helps that as a massive nerd we have a fair few common interests in stuff like dinosaurs, space, various super heroes etc)

I notice as well though that there is no mention of your partner /dh in your op, is he on the scene and pulling his weight? If he is around, he needs to be doing his share of the 'shitwork' too.

Shelbybear · 17/04/2019 22:10

It's not easy being a parent but I found reading your post really sad 😕 They aren't little forever though.

Xenadog · 17/04/2019 22:11

Like a PP said by about 5 the feelings you describe dissipate a bit. Totally get where you are coming from. My DD is the only person I would die for but my goodness some days I just don’t want to have the responsibility for her. I’ve got a great DP who does as much with DD as I do but the lack of freedom is frustrating at times.

I think the fact you hear other people feel the same is important - it is good to know you aren’t the only one going through this.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/04/2019 22:12

Yanbu your feelings are relevant.
I have days when I think how life would be if I didn't have children, in reality I could never imagine my life without them.
If it is any consolation being 2nd comes naturally after awhile, I often plan a shopping trip for myself and fill up for the DC.
My youngest is 4 I am only getting time to myself.
Could you be depressed OP. I hope ypur DS doesn't realise, My Pal really regrets it, she often tells her 8yo how her life could have been, thankfully she has shared custody.

Nnnnnineteen · 17/04/2019 22:13

Ah zoo I hear ya! I desperately wanted my baby but turns out I'm not a natural mum. I had awful AND plus PND which didn't help. It Gets better. Mine got to 9 I and I remember thinking " NOW I get it " because while I had always loved her and wanted the best for her, I had never enjoyed her. It Gets better, it really does.

TooStressyTooMessy · 17/04/2019 22:13

Do you ever get any time in the day to yourself? When my youngest was 3 I started getting one morning to myself each week when she was at nursery. This was a game changer for me. I appreciate not everyone is lucky enough to get this though.

GlitterPixie · 17/04/2019 22:14

I think a surprising amount of us feel the same really it’s just never talked about Flowers

pastabest · 17/04/2019 22:14

Meredint yes exactly , I know how the OP feels and that and:

A child should be a joy to have, and you have a lovely little one (thanks Mumjenny Hmm)

Doesn't exactly help the whole feeling like a shit mother thing.

Some people find the monotony of being the ordinary career for a small child really hard and coming on and telling them they are wrong and children are just wonderful for normal people is really unfucking helpful.

Cinnemom · 17/04/2019 22:14

I feel similarly. My old self was hugely successful and having an amazing time and wonderful life (I was never broody, that was DH). Being a SAHM to multiple small children is exhausting!! Drudgery. Mostly I miss sleep and rational conversation and being free

Prisonbreak · 17/04/2019 22:14

I am voluntarily childless for all the reasons you mentioned and more. I wouldn’t enjoy it and I wouldn’t be good at it. I can look at some mother’s who were quite simply naturals and I know I would be a stressed out mess. I am 31 now and I’m still being told ‘oh you will change your mind’
I won’t. It’s just not for me and I think your brave to say the same

chillpizza · 17/04/2019 22:15

I find once they become a bit more independent year 1/2 at primary much easier. Sorry to say 2-4 is a bit grrrrr. I practically throw my youngest at her preschool bye bye and run away I need that break. But I’ve never regretted them.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 17/04/2019 22:15

To some extent I feel the same way. My point of view is skewered massively that since having my little boy 2.6 years ago, my anxiety has increased ten fold and I'm now just one anxiety attack from a gibberish mess. I've had tonnes of therapy, drugs and all sorts, but I can't seem to shake this feeling that he is better off without me sometimes.

I love him to death, but I do and can remember the days before him. How easy it was, how my mental health was so much better. How I didn't worry or feel as guilty. How I enjoyed things so much more. I feel terrible for this. My little boy currently has a temperature and I'm worrying, and it puts such a negative impact on everything. I wish I wasn't so guilt ridden, or worrisome, but I don't know who I am anymore.

OliviaBenson · 17/04/2019 22:15

Childfree by choice here for the reasons you identify. I've had people say that you only regret what you don't have, but it's not true. I think lots of people feel like you OP but aren't brave enough to say it. At least you recognise it and can deal with it.

Original poster
ZooNoLoo · 17/04/2019 22:16

Why did you want to be a mum to start with? How is it different from what you imagined? Did you not realise you’d have to put the child first? Why do you have a child of you hate ‘family life’? Family life is what you make it. I feel sorry for you and your son too. How awful.

I just wanted to be a Mum. I felt a deep desire to be pregnant and have a baby/child/grown up child.'I always knew I only wanted 1. I always thought that was the perfect balance (and I still believe it is if you're going to wreck hell into your life with the little devils Grin).

DH is good but DS is bloody terrible - He will accept nobody but me most of the time. Even though he is well socialised.

It's probably my own fault for still breastfeeding him

OP posts:
rabbitwoman · 17/04/2019 22:16

I completely understand. I don't have kids. I love them - I have Godchildren whom I adore and have made a real effort to have close relationships with. I work with children. I have nephews whom I love more than anything and take every opportunity to spend time with them - but I need my own space, I need to be alone a lot, and I am very selfish, my life is entirely my own

I am now 44 and still people say to me, it's not too late to have one of your own. But I would hate it. I have just returned from spending time with my youngest nephew, a huge delight of my life - he spent all day and all evening climbing all over me, hanging off me, groping me, poking me, licking me (!)! I couldn't have a moment to myself without him tapping me on the shoulder saying 'look at my Lego figure, watch me jump up and down, I wanna play with your phone' - for a day and night it was fun and I loved the cuddles and giggles. But Sheesh. Every day!? No way!

I love kids but don't want to share my life with one. It is bizarre how people find that so bizarre!

SarahAndQuack · 17/04/2019 22:16

Oh, love, it is so hard, and you should never feel you can't say that.

Something that strikes me is that you say you've done a good job, but then you say you have been 'gifted' with an easy child.

Now, I know that there is a big amount of luck that goes into how easy babies and toddlers are. It's true, if you have an easy child, you can always claim it was just luck and people will always agree. But, FFS - take the credit, too! You have parented this child, and he's lovely. You didn't do it by accident. You didn't do it by neglecting him. You did it conscientiously, and it was hard work. You need to be proud you did that.

That's the first thing.

The other thing is: yes, sure, it is normal to feel stressed with tiny ones. But what support are you getting? Are there things that might make a material difference? I'm a SAHM to a toddler who's just turned two, and it hugely helped my peace of mind when my partner managed to give me a 45 minute lie-in each work day morning - and it also helped their relationship, as they got 45 minutes to snuggle before work. Are there things your partner - or your family, or someone - could do?

pastabest · 17/04/2019 22:17

Ffs the primary carer not the 'ordinary career'

LunaDeet · 17/04/2019 22:18

I’m with you OP. Most days I swing between feeling like the luckiest person ever to be a Mum to such a lovely little girl, to feeling bored, frustrated and full of regret. She didn’t sleep for years and l look back at her baby years as the most traumatic ones of my life. I was so sleep deprived I can’t remember a lot of it. I will never have another baby. Ever.

I honestly can’t wait until she goes to school in a year. I think I need that balance. These early years have been hard. I wish people talked about it more. Of course I love her and we do have fun but the constant demands for food and to be entertained when we’ve only just finished baking/painting/got back from the park is just too much.

AntiHop · 17/04/2019 22:20

It's nothing to do with still breastfeeding him. I breastfed until dd was 4 and she wasn't clingy to me.

Herefortheduration · 17/04/2019 22:20

I used to feel like that, as much as I love ds and dd, I used to think I shouldn't have had them. I feel differently now, they're 17 and 13 and I now think it was the right choice for me. They are easier, still a worry but easier and I'm looking forward to having the best bits as they move towards being adults.

You have a right to feel how you feel but never let your ds know and love him as much as you can. Babyhood doesn't last forever. Good luck

CherylCheshire · 17/04/2019 22:22

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