To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

There is a part of me that feels there is huge societal conspiracy about having children. When you see threads like this and talk frankly with close friends, so many women express these sort of sentiments - in simple terms, although they love the children they have had, if they had their time again, they wouldnt have children knowing what they know.

How come this never gets filtered down to daughters and young women?

I get the pressure (and also importance of treating your own children with respect and not making them feel they are unwanted) but these kinds of feelings in women seem so prevalent its surprising it's not more openly known.

Plus there is the "aw! so you don't have children. you are missing out" shit that mothers often say to the child free implying that you are a lesser person without children.

It's like "we have got on board this sinking ship, and we are taking you with us if its the last thing we do."

Women would feel more of a genuine choice and properly empowered if there was more public openess about regret of having children.

I also had pnd and this is why I am totally honest about it. I'll happily tell anyone how bloody hard it is but I think women don't realise until they have one and then they're like well shit she was telling the truth!

I found mine pretty insufferable for a few years. I mean, I loved them, but if I could have rewound the clock I felt I would have made different decisions.

The good news is, they definitely get better! Mine are 8 and 14 now and I genuinely enjoy hanging out with both of them, now that we can have decent conversations and I don’t have to watch endless episodes of Peppa fucking pig, and watch them constantly in case they do something fucking stupid.

Hang in there.

But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

Zoo, I could have written that. Those are my thoughts exactly!

My boys are both teenagers, and they are really good kids. The worry never goes away, though. I thought that when they stopped being toddlers I wouldn’t have to worry or feel guilty, but nope. The worries and problems are bigger now.

Both of my children were planned and wanted. I’m 50 (I had children later in life) and sometimes I just want to be alone. I think that’s menopause talking at this point. I worry about their school work, their grades, their futures, and the world they’re inheriting.

Plus, talking to teenagers is like talking to a solid brick wall and it’s frustrating. Ironically, my 13-year-old listens better than does my 16-year-old.

I’ve been thinking lately what my life would be like if I didn’t have kids. The trick, as you said, is to not know that your DC even existed. Because if I was without my sons, I would die.

I would have to turn back time and remember the frustrations and rough parts of parenting, not the children themselves. If that were the case, I don’t know that I’d have children.

On the other hand, if I didn’t have children, I’d probably want them. Grass is always greener, as a PP said.

Guess what I’m trying to say in my long-winded way is that YANBU. I get it. And yes, toddlers can be a nightmare handful.

YANBU. I swing between being happy with the choices I made and thinking everything was a huge mistake. I love my kids dearly, but some days I really do feel like just running away. I don't think it helps that DS is currently going through ba really awful screamy phase and just seems to whinge from morning til night. DD was so so easy in comparison but she also grates on me sometimes. I think this is pretty normal, though its taboo to speak of. I know most of my close mates say the same, but would never dare say more publically.

@EmeraldShamrock

Currently watching the radfords so it's making me think it must be bearable at some point!

18 months is a tough age, especially when they don't stop moving and demand all your attention! At that age for me it was the anxiety. Worrying all the time about it all.

It gets so much easier and more fun.

DS is five and we have a cinema trip planned, going to the library, and trampoling too. Way easier when you can chat to them, reason with them, they tell you their needs and interests.

Not everyone enjoys the very early years.

Someone upthread mentioned the idea of a woman surrounded by loads of kids, loving it. But not everyone does. It's fine. You don't have to. You're you, not a Hollywood ideal.

It's a biological urge to be a mother, but not a biological urge to be a parent.

Two separate things. Not mutually exclusive at all.

To a certain extent I thought everyone thinks like this. It isn't as if being entirely responsible for another tiny vulnerable human being, worrying about them, not being able to do the things you liked to do, having to fit their routine is something people love to do is it? I mean people love their children but not everyone likes the routine required to rear a child. I honestly didn't think that was something bad. We have a biological imperative to reproduce. I couldn't tell you why I wanted children (I was over 30) but I did and I am glad I did but I certainly didn't enjoy not being able to read my book/drink my coffee/worry about only myself but then I had my baby. I used to look forward to them going to sleep. I thought everyone did. It's like the guy said - all joy and no fun. Obviously it is a lot of fun at times but still ...

I have 3 and once they get to the age of about 5 or 6 it really is a lot of fun. Then the teen/early adult years can be a bit hairy again but to be honest they are also very interesting and enjoyable. I thought the baby/toddler years were the worst (while also being the cutest).

I don't get this at all. My life didn't start until I had my DD. Now she's flown the nest and I'm bereft, I would do anything to get those toddler years back.

I don't get this at all.

You don’t have to ‘get’ it. Perhaps though you can just appreciate that not everyone feels like you do. Everyone is entitled to their own individual feelings. They are all equally valid.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't have a child, or get married. I never had any desire to have kids, never much liked babies. I got married within a year of meeting now ex husband, had DS before we had been married 18 months, my husband was diagnosed with MS a month before DS was born, our marriage was crap, we should have never got married. Had husband have been diagnosed either before I got pregnant or in first couple of months of pregnancy, I would not have had DS & I would have ended marriage. I love DS to bits but I'm not a natural mother, I haven't got an ounce of maternal instinct in me, he's 15 now & as much as I love him I miss my life before I got married & became a mother. I admit I'm selfish & most of the time I wish I could put myself first instead of DS. Anyone I've spoken to tells me I must be depressed, but in my heart of hearts I know what I feel isn't depression, it's regret.

@Nat6999 that's terribly sad

I think it’s fine to hate parenting and have regrets. as a child my mother often communicated this regret, sometimes not very nicely at various times through my childhood. Probably when I proved to be a challenge to her, and that meant when I used to come home crying from being bullied or because I grew up not wanting to follow the path she had planned for me to follow. Nothing like going off drinking down the park with dodgy mates or trashing the house.

You will cause untold self esteem issues if you try to have that conversation.

I love my kids and have no regrets at all, but for me the worst years are the first years. They are so dependent on you, and if you have no support network hell on earth. You have to grin and bear it, and silently curse the situation you face but it is temporary.

I also think it’s essential for ones sanity and also for your children to see that mums need a break, they need support from partners and children ( when older). You need to reclaim sometime for yourself and do things you enjoy, for purely selfish reasons. The drudgery, housework, school projects, looking after sick kids that is both parents responsibility. And even older kids can help younger ones now and then, and do chores. Kids need to see maintaining your mental health is very important. We have the joyous stage of menopause to go through and believe me I stopped playing family martyr a long time ago.

This thread is so sad! I had no idea so many people felt this way. I'm not judging, it just makes me feel sad that so many people are thinking like this - it must be difficult to raise children while harbouring these thoughts and feelings. it's difficult for anyone, but I've always felt like the satisfaction of having kids makes up for it! Although I do feel like having kids makes you very vulnerable which isn't something I enjoy, I also feel that having kids give your life a whole new meaning. With very young kids it is possible to feel like you've lost yourself slightly (tired all the time, a bit overwhelmed, no time to yourself) but as they get older it gets a bit easier

I'm not looking for sympathy, in a way I feel sorry for DS that he has 2 disabled parents, I worry that he has missed out on things because of our disabilities, he is a very bright, intelligent, caring boy, he works hard at school & will do well at whatever career he chooses. He hasn't had it easy, he was diagnosed ASD when he was 9, we split up when he was 6 & he's been mostly with me since then, I encourage him to go out & do things with friends but I wish I had the energy to do more with him.

Motherhood is not for the fainthearted, is it??
I love all mine desperately. But it can be soul destroyingly hard at times. Especially the toddler and adolescent phrases IME. Dreadful people, two yr olds and 14 yr olds!!!
One of my DD's has gone on to be a very vulnerable young woman due to mental illness so the stress will never end for me. I'm completely enmeshed in her life emotionally and financially, she has a little one and I adore my GC, but because of him I can never "step back" as I now feel a parental responsibility to him and worry about him. I'm essentially his second mother.
I didn't envision this.
I had my brood young. I thought I'd be flying free by now. (46 now)
I adore my family but my identity since I was 18 has been "mother".
I never had the chance to be "me"

DD is 21 next month, and move out nearly 3 years ago

The early years were horrific, ex worked nights and she did not sleep through until she was 3 (when we split), plus she had development delays and that sent my anxiety through the roof. I thought there was no end in sight! When she started school I really started to enjoy being a mother and loved her company.

Being a single parent was rough, and whilst I loved her dearly, there were times I wanted to bail for a week in a hotel for some 'me' time.

The irony is though, when she was in her final year of school and started looking at Uni, residential colleges etc, huge part of me wanted to scream 'don't go!'. Even after three years of her living out of home its still weird her not being here.

Motherhood isn't for everyone. For some a life without kids suits them better, others would be quite depressed without them.

It's not something you can tell others to do or not to do.

The baby years are tough. They're exhausting and draining....but I also have lovely memories of it too.

The one thing I wish...is that I had a lot more cash back then. I would have hired a pt nanny for my time on maternity leave and when we went on holiday.

Holidays with babies/toddlers are tiring.. even though it's great seeing them excited with something as simple as a bird show.

It must be so tough. And I think parents are made to feel guilty about everything. I don't have children and now my friends teens are all having mental health problems. I see my friends lives, own Health, everything hijacked for years. I'm sure our parents did not have this insane pressure. I think it is ok to feel this way and to express it. I hope you have really supportive friends. Tbh I think a lot of people feel this but can't admit it due to pressure and fear of judgement

I have two fantastic 9 year olds. The dull tedium of the early years is past. They are brilliant and clever and witty and inquisitive. They are amazing to watch develop. I would die for them.

I still wouldn't have them again if I had my time over. I just feel like I'm not really an autonomous person anymore. Everything about my life is, in a sense, in service to my children and it doesn't seem like a good way to live, but I can't find another way to be their mother.

I’m thinking of TTC soon and honestly, this thread and the responses is making me think twice.

I feel like nowadays children are expected to be the centre of their parents’ universe, which is very pressurising - whereas my generation were just expected to make their own fun for hours on end and no-one thought anything of it. Does anyone else agree?

I have 3 (aged 13, 11 and 3) and no regrets. I don't, however, labour under a delusion that motherhood is the only valid way for a woman to forge a meaningful life. I agree with some PPs that the selling of this idea amounts to a societal conspiracy - and I think that it is in large part about what one might call keeping women in their place. A lot of the suffering and restriction posters on here are talking about would be removed or ameliorated if men genuinely shared the burdens. I have one who - pretty much - does (I refuse to say I am 'lucky' because I think it should be the standard case), and I am sure that has had something to do with my experience of motherhood (admittedly neither of us went through the 'missing financial indulgences and nights out' stage and have never been bothered about going away on our own or whatever, which also helps). I have (of course with particular limitations) worked my way to having a robust self-employed career and have retained and even developed interests etc. Had my dh chosen to leverage his male privilege (in which society would no doubt have supported him), things could have looked very different.

(Note: not casting aspersions on any individual poster's relationship. But I do think this is an issue).

I'm also noticing the deep conflict in a lot of posts with a sense of 'selfishness' - which, societally, is one of the very worst things a woman can be accused of. I think if we (women) were allowed to grow up with a firmer sense of existing for ourselves and not for others, we would be able to make choices around motherhood more clear-sightedly. And I say this as someone very at one with her choice to be a mother. I think this necessitates thinking on quite a deep level about how we raise our daughters (our sons too, obviously). Telling them they can do whatever career they want is only a very limited part of the story. Are we raising them to 'be nice' and look after others' emotional needs first, perhaps at the expense of their own?

When people say 'but they are only little for a short amount of time.' I think 'thank god..!'
Dd is lovely now she is 10 but it has been tough. I have felt like you op but now i realise i dont regret it. I am used to it. I am looking foward to the teenage years as i am of the opinion that teens need freedom to make mistakes.i want her to go off with her friends and let me have a break! I am not going to be funny about experimentation butbi will be worry..i think parents who dig their heels in about their kids growing up have a much tougher time with teens.
I was a difficult teen in that i had mental hralth problems so i know how to support dd if she has this.Plus she will will be closer to becoming an adult herself...hurrah!