To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

I mean not enough of a good reason for me. I.e. When I cross the threshold where having children is no longer possible I don't want to regret not doing something so life-changing because I fancied a cappuccino in bed iyswim? Not about the judgement from others, as such.

@VladmirsPoutine i see what you mean, I totally get it. I'm in the mindset that if you absolutely-couldn't-live-without children then you should have them, if you're a bit meh about it then don't bother!

'I'm not maternal and frankly would rather spend Saturday mornings reading the newspaper and listening to the radio - but that's not really a good enough reason is it'.

It absolutely, definitely is! There is nothing whatsoever wrong with fancying a quiet, steady sort of life, or with living a life where you mostly get to please yourself. There are no medals for martyrdom. Don't waste your energy on trying to convince yourself that you want kids, if you don't, or feel highly ambivalent about the whole thing

As for regrets, meh. Who knows what any of us might end up regretting? You can only make decisions based on how you feel at the time

@RedPanda2 That's my view as well. Well I think that settles the matter

@VladmirsPoutine

Dad here to three DD's and now GD to DGS and DGD if i have that right!.

For me its been hard work but i see it as a privilage to have had those children and i'm proud of all of them. Absolutly no regrets at all!

I can also say that on the respective mothers behalf, yes in all instances there have been hard times and difficult times but for me i wouldn't have changed a thing.

Furthermore its been the most important and responsible "job" i've ever had or done.

Quite understandable that it can wear you down and its only natural to ask "what if" i'd have done things differntly but then again you can ask that time and time again about anything and people will always do that.

And finally good on you MNHQ for leaving this thread up and running its more important than I think many realise.

Justaboy. Were you a SAHP?

AlexaAmbidextra

No, but i did work from home for quite a bit of the time so i suppose to some extent i was!.

Thank you for being brave enough to write what I feel.

I think it's a little bit different Justaboy to being at home 24-7, breast-feeding, including through the night and your body having gone through a 9-month pregnancy and a birth that lead to stitches.

@MNHQ what exactly does banned mean then.

It takes quite something obscene and vile to get banned from posting on MN,but it seems one can slime their way back in then.

So 'ban' is a misnoma clearly.

I think it's gross. This OP could have upset and distressed any number of PPs and yet its all of no matter, and irrelevant.

The subject matter of the OP shouldn't even be considered, you either ban or you don't.

MN you have made 'ban' meaningless

I'm glad MN left this thread up. I have found it helpful.

I'm definitely in a low point at the moment with kids. I have 3 DS's ages 8,5 and 1. I don't regret having them, and I think I would have made the same choice again as I desperately wanted children and I think if I hadn't had them I would have felt bereft. I also love them all very dearly and they are amazing kids. But fuck, has it been hard. The newborn period with DS1 was almost traumatic- I had PND and was absolutely floored by sleep deprivation, anxiety and the relentlessness of it. Although my mental health got better, I have never found motherhood easy. I keep feeling as though the ages my older two are they should be much easier by now, but they aren't. They are very physical and boisterous which I find exhausting. They fight a lot and we are always on a hair trigger for some major battle, often with physical violence. They have lots and lots of tantrums and meltdowns all the time. DS1 in particular is very complicated emotionally - we think he is at risk for some mental health problems but nothing diagnosable yet. But he is often in a blind rage or a major self loathing breakdown. DS2 is emotionally more steady but is like a puppy with the amount of sheer energy he has and can get v out of control easily. Then we have a very active 16 month old on top of that, who you can't take your eyes off because he will be sticking something in a plug or eating scissors or something and he doesn't sleep. I feel we are in crisis mode almost all the time. I am utterly exhausted. Luckily I have a wonderful DH who takes on at least half of everything but we are both utterly demoralized and wiped out. We give them so much one on one attention, set boundaries, follow through on consequences, have high expectations blah blah blah, I read millions of parenting books and am consistent and do all the things you are supposed to do, but they really aren't easy kids and none of it seems to make much difference. I love them all dearly and individually they can be amazing, but most of it is drudgery tbh and I am almost never relaxed when I am around them. Sympathies to all those who are going through it too.

This has been a very interesting discussion and I glad that people can speak openly. We had a similar thread a few years ago & very few of us were honest enough to say how difficult we found parenting, there were loads of the usual ‘you can’t be truly fulfilled until you have children’ type comments.

I think it is just so different for all of us, I didn’t find the early years too bad physically, probably because I had a very easy baby who slept well & I made a conscious decision to just have one child, which I’ve never regretted. I find it’s the emotional side which is hard, the constant asking ourselves if we are bringing up our children correctly, are we too strict or not strict enough? . Maybe we over think it all nowadays? And I do find the teenage years incredibly tough, they are not children any longer but not fully independent adults. It’s so hard.

And the complete utter boredom of ‘child based activities’, I didn’t over do it & managed to avoid lots of typical children’s activities, but what I did was so mind numbingly boring, I wish I could have enjoyed sitting through a children’s film or going to a farm park. Thank Goodness those days are over at least with a teen & they no longer want to be seen in public with their parents .

My mother regretted having me. She always denied it, but I always knew anyway. These feelings do come through, no matter how hard you try to hide them. Your children will know, too.

Oh the old chestnut of "you will regret it" said to a childfree person.

Funny I don't know any childfree couple that say they regret not having children yet know lots of couples with children that say they regret having them

@mcjx ha me too 😳😳

Flaverings LOL! guilty as charged but i didnt need stitches and nope i couldn't manage breast feeding! Joking apart i think I did my fair share of nightime feeds, not too much bother for a natural night owl, with a bottle and could manage to change nappies in my sleep !

Still do the bottle feed for DGD but at odd times during the day if DD2 comes round or i'm over there.

Poor you beclev24 you have been through the mill fortunatlay our lot where very well behaved whilst younger so perhaps we were lucky. I did jabve a very bad incident my first wife passed away and i took some time out to bring her up but remarried after that biut of a long story but I think I did my bit overall and yep working from home was benefical in that i was around a lot of the day unlike most dads who are off to work at say 7 AM then not back home till in th eevening etc.

Did work my socks off to pay for private edcuation but now enjoying the grandparemts privilage of playing with the nippers but able to give them back to the parents!

This thread scares the shit out of me. I’ve been on the fence about having kids ever since I was a little girl. I constantly worry about regretting it. My friends are no help and judge me already when I talk like this which really frustrates me. In like - how the hell am I supposed to know if I’ll like something if I’ve never bloody done it?!

I have some other friends who are single moms and never say it but I can tell they regret it.

At the moment though my husband and my loves are starting to feel empty, like we’ve done the single life to death but is this a good enough reason to start a family?

I’ve already been looking at baby clubs for when we go on holidays etc because I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not proper Mumsy and would be happy spending 80 percent of my time around my kids but then perhaps having a nanny for the other 20 percent.

Is this a healthy way to be or am I already doomed by thinking this way?

I just kind of feel a lot of pressure is from people expecting parents to be around their kids all day every day and if krkt here bad parents. Almost as though people forget you’re. Human being first and foremost when you have a child.

I would love to know if I’m thinking unhealthy thoughts?

beclev24

I could have written your post.

I'm really down at the moment. I cried today when the two youngest just wouldn’t listen to me. Again.

I said to DH, I feel like such a shit mum. The 2 youngest don't listen to me, at least my eldest listened to me. He replied 'yeah, but that was when there was only one child, and he doesn't listen to you now (teen)'

He didn't mean it the way it came out, but I still cried. I work hard, I set boundaries, positive praise, parenting books...but all have had sleep issues and number 3 has had the worst tantrums ever. Mentally exhausted.

That said, I do not ever feel regret. I would honestly be so bored with couple life just rattling around together. But I get why couples don't want kids or just want one.

Jodie it's like I grew a second heart the moment my baby was lifted into my arms. He is 10 months now and is just starting to try to crawl into my arms to snuggle. It's incredible and seeing my husband hold him has made us so much stronger. I never felt maternal but that all changed in an instant.

Jodie, that's the thing - theres no way to know for sure how you will experience parenthood in advance. It does sound like something you're working hard to talk yourself into though. I get it completely - there is so much pressure on women to become mothers, and its absolutely presented as the norm. It's very hard to resist that pressure at times. I remember wondering just what the bloody hell I was going to do with my life and my time if I didn't have children. It felt like there was a big party going on and my invitation had got lost in the post.

However, it's really not for everyone. It sounds like you're already worried about feeling trapped and smothered and making plans for other people to take regular care of your baby because you're just not hugely into it. Have a long think about why you're working so hard to convince yourself to want this. And try not to be swayed by other people's stories- just because it worked our for them doesn't mean your experience would be the same, and vice versa. It's a huge decision and I feel your pain!

Urgh I hate the fact that I shared my personal feelings out of sympathy for the OP and it turns out their intentions may have been less than genuine. MNHQ, please pull this thread.

Agree. There have been threads discussing this exact same topic in the past for anyone who wants to read them - why do we need another one from a pbp?

@lottapiannos yes it does sound like that I totally agree.

I spoke to my husband about it since posting and he said he’s having kids or divorce lol. It’s non negotiable. Even if I don’t want to look after them said he’s having them. The divorce was a joke but said we would have to work something out where we have then but he’s majority carer or something!

We will see, maybe I’ll have them and wander what on earth I was so worried about...

Good luck with that situation Jodie. I wish you well