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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To regret having children?

284 replies

ZooNoLoo · 17/04/2019 21:42

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

OP posts:
LovelyJubbly67 · 17/04/2019 23:02

@mydogisthebest

If you don't have children, I'm curious what are doing on MN? Advising people who do?

JessieMcJessie · 17/04/2019 23:03

How about letting a medical professional make that call xxcstatic? Hmm

SerenDippitty · 17/04/2019 23:04

I was ttc in the 1990s when it was even more taboo to express these sorts of feelings than it is now and there was no social media where uch feelings could be expressed anonymously. I too had an overwhelmingurge to be pregnant and saw motherhood as a state of unimaginable bliss and happiness and the only true fulfilment there could be. Now I’m older I see it was just a case of the grass being greener though.

keepforgettingmyusername · 17/04/2019 23:05

I think it's better when they're around 2. You can make a cup of tea without a total catastrophe happening most of the time, and they're developing a little sense of humour so can be funny with their wee jokes. Everyone has an age that they find the most difficult and I reaaally did not enjoy the newborn stage.

SerenDippitty · 17/04/2019 23:09

If you don't have children, I'm curious what are doing on MN? Advising people who do?

Bingo!

XXcstatic · 17/04/2019 23:09

How about letting a medical professional make that call xxcstatic?

I am a medical professional. Which is why I know better than to tell women that they're depressed, just because they have the guts to express what millions of other women are thinking (at least some of the time). Pathologising the difficulties of parenthood is unhelpful - it characterises women who struggle with it as being unwell and abnormal, when this is not the case.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2019 23:09

I agree with CTRL "YANBU and honestly I wish more parents would just be honest and talk more about missing some aspects of thier old life...it’s normal and your not a bad mum."

However, I would also say, please do go to your GP and have a chat if you feel this strong sense of unhappiness with being a mum. It may be normal, it really might, but it also may be a form of post natal depression.

Please do not be offended at my saying that. If this is the case for you, the GP may help. I am not a GP and so I do not know but you sound unhappy and it's good to find out if there is a biological reason when people are quite unhappy.

(Speaking as a mum of a child with depression.)

LittlePaintBox · 17/04/2019 23:15

It gets better. I miss having my children around all the time and being the centre of their lives now they're grown up, but I actually found a lot of early motherhood really boring. I was completely overawed by friends who spent ages playing with their small kids and doing creative things with them. On the plus side, I was a good listener when they had problems when they were older!

Willweeverfindout · 17/04/2019 23:16

We were all little, once.

Goldrill · 17/04/2019 23:17

My mum told me that if she'd had the opportunities I had as a young woman, she'd never have had kids. She's always been a fantastic mum and I know very well how much she loves us, so it never bothered me.
I had no intention of having them but had some kind of hormonal chaos after an unplanned pregnancy (and miscarriage). Now I find myself with two awesome little sprogs, but I still can't quite believe I fell for it.

31133004Taff · 17/04/2019 23:23

Spent the weekend with friend and her two year old who is poor sleeper. I didn’t realise until I saw her dragging herself through a sleep deprived day the extent to which poor sleep so typical at that age really drained all the enthusiasm from the experience of being a mother.

Dieu · 17/04/2019 23:26

I do understand how you feel. I adore my kids, they're wonderful, but I'm not sure I'd do it if I had my time again.

gluteustothemaximus · 17/04/2019 23:27

I think life in general is a downer. Relentless working, not much money, same shit different day.

I enjoyed very much being a mum to DS1, because one was easy (even though he didn't sleep) I was very young and could handle it.

DD came along and it was all great. Normal issues, another non sleeper, but I still felt like a good mum.

DS2 came along and every day has been mentally exhausting. The worst sleeper. The longest breastfeeder. The most horrific tantrums. Cling on behaviour 24/7. I'm absolutely fucked.

No family or friends that can help, so no breaks.

I no longer feel like a good mum. I'd never regret them, but fucking hell, it's hard work. I feel guilty for not being a happy mum. I'm always stressed mum.

AngelsOnHigh · 17/04/2019 23:28

Great to see so many empathetic responses on this thread.

I asked a work colleague if she was going away for the holidays. She responded light heartedly

"no, just staying home with the DC and pretending I like them"'.

She has 3 and loves them like crazy but hates all the boring stuff that goes with having .

I think it's all the crap that goes with having DC that people hate.

I for one am enjoying my DGC immensely. I get to do all the fun things with them without the responsibility of guiding them through their childhood. I do actually feel a bit sorry for young mums and dads these days.

My DS has a 3 month old DS who is absolutely beautiful. They re a wonderful family but how their life has changed.

Even a trip to the shops requires military precision. Packing nappy bag and all the bits and bobs that go with it "just in case". Buckling DS into a spaceship like baby seat. etc. etc.

Must young parents are doing a wonderful job these days. Just remember to be sympathetic towards those who don't appear to be coping as well as you are.

OneDayillSleep · 17/04/2019 23:33

I have a 3 year old and 20 month old (18 month age gap), I have to say it’s been pretty relentless the past few years, bleak at times. I think 0-2 is tough no matter how good you are at this. You are still in the thick of it at 18 months, plus you are still breastfeeding. I’m the same with a 20 month old, he’s clingy and feeds like a newborn all night long, I actually hate it quite often when he will only have me, I feel suffocated and like I need a bit of freedom back. I get past this by reminding myself it isn’t forever.

I’d never say I regret having my kids though, I’m happy to say I find it hard and it has changed our lives not all for the better, but I still can’t feel regret.

standardaccount · 17/04/2019 23:35

Some days I feel like this, other days I don't. Absolutely no judgement from me. I have to say the earlier years I felt like this a hell of a lot more than I do now. My daughter is still only 5, but it is becoming a little easier in different aspects.

Sometimes I feel totally disconnected from her and other times I feel so connected to her that my heart could just burst with love. I'm quite honest in real life though about this which I think surprises people. I don't think it's spoken about enough, there is still a stigma to say parenthood is not the best thing to ever happen to me. People used to ask me when she was younger, "you couldn't imagine your life without her now could you?" And I used to think yes I fucking could and it's better than what this shit is! But now I genuinely couldn't imagine my life without her and the sheer thought of it fills me with dread.

However some days it is just shit, some days I'm in a bad mood, or stressed, some days she's in a bad mood or being cheeky and we just don't vibe that day. Some days I laugh and some days I cry. Some days she likes me and some days she doesn't. It's just parenthood. And not to mention fucking boring at times as well!

When I look back though on who I was and what I was doing before I had her, although it's a struggle she 100 percent has improved my life. My life is better with her in it than without her and that's including all the bad days but it is hard hard hard work, the hardest work we will ever do and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for not enjoying it all the time.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 17/04/2019 23:36

God how depressing. Too late now

Onetimenamechangey · 17/04/2019 23:37

Both sides (child free or not) can have grass is greener thinking. You can choose how you react - just enjoy and do your best.

bridgetreilly · 17/04/2019 23:38

Having a toddler is pretty awful, OP. The good thing is, he will get older and more interesting and less dependent and life will get back into a better kind of order. Hang in there.

Justaboy · 17/04/2019 23:40

DD2 is in that sort of situation at the moment shes a great mum loves the nippers to bits but really wants to get back to her job which she can do part time it shes says it will just break up the daily chore of feeding, burping, arse polishing, changeing clothes that are damp as one little one is good at dribbling and puking sometimes..

So yep understandable. But she loves OTOH being a mum!

EmeraldShamrock · 17/04/2019 23:45

I see there has been advise from a MH professional or unprofessional.
From your posts OP, I think PND too, how you long to be pregnant, the reality of a newborn is shocking, I was depressed in different ways with both of mine, but it usually settles out, I felt lost, I lost my identity, it took over 2 years to bond with DC2 he was a difficult baby, never settled, my life was cushy with 1DC before him, I looked after him but thought I can't bond, how I feel better I see I was depressed feeling all the things a mother is not suppose to feel.
He is 4 now, although he is still full one, he is my little pal, his questions floor me. Flowers

mcjx · 17/04/2019 23:46

Christ, I'm expecting my first and this thread has terrified me somewhat

tocotoucan · 17/04/2019 23:47

I personally feel yabu as it's not your child's job to fulfil your life and make you happy.... That's up to you. Subsequently, blaming your child for the fact you don't enjoy your life isn't fair. No one says having children is easy, intact it's pretty obviously going to be hard/stressful/restrictive/mundane, but those negatives are (in most cases) outweighed by the overwhelming love you have for your child. I really hope your son doesn't ever pick up on your negetive attitude towards his existence. What a truly awful thing to say. Yes admit "having children is harder/more time consuming/restrictive/difficult than I thought" as I'm sure this is true for alot of parents, but to wish your child had never been born is horrific imo. And breastfeeding is nothing to do with your sons "clinginess"... My dd1 is extremely confident and outgoing, dd2 much less so, both bf to natural term. Your child has his own personality, that makes him who he is, one of the many amazing little journeys you go on with your child, discovering their own individuality. Being a parent is an amazing experience with highs and lows like everything else in life, don't blame your son for your disatisfaction with life.

3in4years · 17/04/2019 23:49

This is so sad. I can't understand it. I'm sure it will seem worth it in the long run, perhaps when you are old.and rely on your ds as he relies on you now?
I am one of the aforementioned mothers of multiple children (3 if them, aged 5, 3 and 1). I love my life, I really do.

nowifi · 17/04/2019 23:51

mcjx please don't be terrified! This is only a handful of people's experiences and you don't know how you will feel once you're a Mum!