To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

'But, FFS - take the credit, too! You have parented this child, and he's lovely. You didn't do it by accident'

Most definitely. Parents hugely over emphasise the 'luck' side of how a child turns out, in my experience. So yes, take the credit.

And if it's any consolation, I worked with parents and young children for years, and you are definitely not the only one feeling this way

Ignore the PP who was horrible. 18 months is a very hard age, some people find it much easier when their children are older. Be kind to yourself, but do speak to somebody if you think you are depressed.

IMO, the baby stage is really hard work and it gets easier and more fun from now on. Three year old are hilarious. Nine year old are great fun. It will get better.

I think if you have the help, I would suggest spending a week alone, without your DS and come home to him, then read this post and tell us you still feel the same.
This is quite a reaction to have to motherhood but can see by pp’s it is not unusual. I think you need to spend some time alone, thinking what you can to to make the life you have now more appealing.

Hi OP

I feel the same. I had another as I felt I should have a sibling for the first and its brought those feelings back. It's so hard as you cant admit it in real life. I just want a few weeks of getting up whenever I want, ordering in food without having to cook for fussy toddlers, watching shit TV and generally pottering out and pleasing myself without having to constantly think about other people. I know my husband feels the same.

18 months is such a shitty age though. Old enough to hurt you (my 16 month old bit me hard earlier) old enough to be naughty, tantrum, and destroy or eat everything but too young to communicate any of their needs or understand why they cant play with scissors or eat the toothpaste or whatever. Its exhausting. I dont find it fun at all.

My elder daughter is almost 4 now though and I actually enjoy her a lot more. We can go a nice (shortish) walk, go out for a decent meal, play some games like memory games and stuff where its actually an even match (ok she beats me) and she does make us laugh. We can go out for the day without having to plan for nap times, fussy eating, boredom etc. And she is old enough to be packed off to grandparents for the weekend. It's still relentless and boring but it feels a lot more relaxed and I dont need to go into another room and scream quite as much. Hope it gets better for you. I also feel like I am just wishing the next year away so I can start to live again

I get it! I have 3 (3rd unplanned) and it can be so dull .

Plus it's just me, DH and paid help. Family either dead or far away.

We do have good moments and it gets easier as they get older. I think when they are independent teens with their own lives who can discuss things it will be the best (or I'll get 3 horrendous teenagers and have to leave home )

Where is his father?
Life is what you make it and I 100% believe in the power of positive thinking.
It seems like you have a good place to start with an easy child who you love.
I know what you mean, sometimes I regret having my son when I did as I wrecked my career and his father is a bit of a dick. Life hasn't been easy and I'm constantly poor.
But time really does fly by and things get easier.
Im looking to the future when I can work more and get my career back on track in not too many years.
My son is my best friend really, we're very close and easy in each others company.
I'm lucky that he is very like me and I've made the effort to find things we can enjoy together and make a life we're both happy with.
What do you want your family life to look like? What can you do to make that a reality?
Are there things you think you would be doing if you didn't have him?
Can you get out in the evenings when he's in bed and do something that enriches your life?
If you can't get out can you do something at home that enriches your life?
Are there friendships you've let slip that you could bring back to life?
Really I think you need to change your perspective.
Think of all the positives and be grateful. Changing my mindset has changed my life. I know it sounds trite but it's true.
I could be miserable and full of regrets but I choose not live my life that way.

Thanks all for these replies and thank you to those without children being honest too (you're very wise).

As for taking some credit, I don't really feel like I can. He's always been a fabulous sleeper (we sometimes wake together after 11am... He is a mini me). He spoke early. Walked early. He's even a baby model But that's all him.

I've just kept him alive. And provided my breasts whenever the fancy takes him. I've honestly done fuck all really apart from make sure he's fed and dressed well. Which I'm rather proud of, because a lot of the time I really can't be bothered to feed him and make food, although of course I do! Time and time again.

There is no giving up. Everything I do is for his best interest and I wouldn't feel relaxed or happy to have it any other way at all

I look back at her baby years as the most traumatic ones of my life.

I said this to DP at 1 am this morning when DC 2 had been screaming for an hour because I wouldn't pick her up and bring her into bed with me and instead kept trying to settle her into her cot. I actually got dressed and left the house and said I wasn't coming back because I had had enough. It gets that bad.

The 10 months since she was born have been the most traumatic and miserable months of my life. She's DC2 but is incredibly clingy and has seriously impacted on my mental health in a way her older and slightly but not much easier sibling didn't.

It's just all too hard and people who aren't going through that and say stupid stuff about them only being young for a short time have clearly no idea.

If you think it’s thankless now wait until they’re teenagers, one minute you’re their best friend and next you are dirt in their shoe, don’t get me wrong I love my two grown up children but little people are so much fun, young adults are hard work, hormones and emotions everywhere, it’s Like walking on egg shells and going out as a family is not the same when there little, they just want to be with their friends all the time and you are just to old to be seen with

I have one 5 year old and feel similar, could never contemplate having another. I just didn't appreciate how introverted/selfish/lazy/disorganised I was until I had a child. I'd love to spend my weekends pottering around the house, doing some exercise, binge-watching something, reading, wandering round of he shops by myself but I pretty much can't. Ever. It does get better as she gets older though.

18 months is a very hard age.

Mine are 9 and nealy 6 now and life is brilliant.

I really regretted having children when they were that age. Now they are teenagers its bloody brilliant. I don't think I enjoyed them until high school actually.
I didn't let them know that though The hardest thing now is knowing that this is as close as we'll get. They'll be making their own way in the world soon

YANBU and honestly I wish more parents would just be honest and talk more about missing some aspects of thier old life...it’s normal and your not a bad mum.

We all have those days and while I agree with you in terms of life has never been the same since having children; the good outweigh the bad.

18 months is a tricky age and I remember when my little ones were similar age and younger I felt lonely, exhausted, slightly resentful at my children friends who didn’t have the same problems I were having and some days really missed life before I had kids. I loved being a mum but it was really hard work and especially doing it alone (single mum), I was the first in my circle of friends to have a child and it was tricky keeping up with old habits now you have new ones to adapt to. I remember always hearing ; it gets easier and it gets better and thinking ‘Oh please!’

But honestly it does, and you have done so well so far and as unrewarding as it may feel now - I truely believe you've got this ! And those days of regret will be a thing of the past and someday you can’t even imagine even the thought of life without your little one. Hang in there doll 💗

So although I know what you mean I know for myself I would never be the person I am without my children

^This

I think it sums it up for me really well (thanks @prettywhiteguitar).

I have had a love/hate relationship with being a parent from the beginning.

0-3 months - loved it
3-5 months - reality and realisation of the responsibility, hated it
6-14 months - loved it (mostly)
15m - 2.5 years - fucking hard! Everyone around me loved this age, dc drove me up the wall and I never relaxed, ever.
2.5-3 years - started to get better and changed my mindset to enjoy “parenting” more
4-5.5 years - tantrums continued, snippets of good, but overall, hated it.
6-8 years - better, more snippets of good than bad, but annoying traits of theirs grate on me. Love how intelligent they are but very needy!

I say all this honestly because i could put a and laugh it off with how I’ve described it, but there have been more times over the years where I’ve thought, it isn’t worth it. That’s made me feel a bad person, so actually reading your post and the responses kind of feels nice to feel ‘normal’

For me, I 100% wouldn't be the person I am today without DC. And I am definitely a better person for being a parent.

Go easy on yourself OP.

Yanbu.

Yip. It's hard. The worry will never leave you. You will feel like you are being judged always. You will be paranoid and delusional. You will have pockets of delicious happiness. Children give the utmost delight, but the worst and lowest moments too.

I wish I enjoyed my children life more too jons and waited until I was really really bored of it! It's just a very deep want for a child/to be pregnant consumed me I couldn't think of anything else!

Being pregnant was all I wanted. And I wanted it ASAP. I just wanted to be a mum so badly. I yearned for it. Not sure why

*child free life

I was never that keen on small children and 18mths is quite a struggle with one's first child.

I remember when DS was this age and, after a tiring holiday, DH and I felt that he would be happier with a DB or DS and it would be less intensive for us. One year later, we had twins and were the parents of 3 under 3s (actually 3 under 2 1/2) which was not really the intention.

So, I had to go full-on Mary Poppins, and TBH it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am not advocating doing that , but I did realise these were the only children I was going to have and took time to take photos, make scrapbooks etc of the nice bits, like pp upthread said. It was worthwhile.

Things change all the time. It will be bad for a while and seem to be bad all the time, then it will change, and something else will take over. Nothing stays the same. But it does change so that you have more time to yourself, and do other things. All things pass.

OP, this too shall pass. There's a wonderful saying: "The days are so long, but the years are so short."

18 months is hard work. Also, I find that people do just have a preference for children of different ages; maybe there are other phases that will suit you better.

Do you think this could be a wake-up call about a more general dissatisfaction with life, though? Do you want something different? You know, you can change your life and improve it even though you have a child, it's not just about that.

ps

Yes, I wanted to be a mum very badly. No idea what got into me lol Even thought I had got it sussed that second time

I love my kids but if I’m ever asked about having kids I always recommend not to have them!

Agree with Gin, sorry to say but the absolute despair of the teenage years can be hell, even if you generally have an ‘easy’ teenager it can be desperately difficult to get the balance right between being a supportive, involved parent and a ‘cool’ parent. And you can no longer make things ‘better’ by giving a cuddle or an ice cream. And knowing your child is making mistakes which will have long term implications on their future and there’s nothing you can do about it .