To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

If you don't have children, I'm curious what are doing on MN?

Pathetic.

@nowifi I'm honestly feeling like I've fucked up

True that I won't know how I feel but I'm surprised at how many people feel the same as OP. Saying that I am very maternal and always have been, can't remember a time when I didn't want a child.

How about letting a medical professional make that call

I am a medical professional. Which is why I know better than to tell women that they're depressed, just because they have the guts to express what millions of other women are thinking (at least some of the time). Pathologising the difficulties of parenthood is unhelpful - it characterises women who struggle with it as being unwell and abnormal, when this is not the case.

For goodness sake xxcstatic, clearly I meant a medical professional who has met the OP. I fully understand what you are saying but you seem to have failed to notice that the first part of my post shared my own experience of feeling similar and at no point did I say that I had only felt this way due to depression- my whole point was that what she feels is almost certainly normal. But she does sound very down, what is the problem with speaking to the GP about that? Far better to have that conversation and be reassured that what she feels is normal than to have genuine depression go untreated.

Are there any bits at all of your old life that you could carve out with a bit of help? Time to yourself is such a cliche, but if you had some pockets of it to look forward to, that might help?

And DS will get to be easier. My DD is nearly three. I love her to death, but we have had some TOUGH times. Then the other day, I took her and the weekend paper to a cafe. I gave her a magazine to 'read' and we both sat there having our drinks, looking at the paper. That would be one of my favourite 'nice' things to do, and I could do it with DD. It was pretty bloody amazing.

You'll be grand then!

@nowifi I hope so

I remember that ‘I regret my children’ thread. Interestingly the vast majority of women on that thread were SAHMs of one or two kids under 2. Some came back to report on their subsequent experiences. Many had gone back to work and were much happier. The kids had grown up and were now people with views and interests and were in general more interesting to hang out with, and the relentless baby stage had gone. I have a toddler but I look at DS1 who is 7 and is so self sufficient that I can use my maternal energy to engage him rather than constantly cleaning up after him.

To be fair mcjx despite whats being said on here I dont actually think this is a normal way to feel. I think it sounds like
PND.

@CupcakeDrama thanks. I've not got a bloody clue what to expect but I hope to get I never regret having my son.

@CupcakeDrama hope to god*

@XXcstatic - thank you. I am so tired of seeing women who are unhappy with motherhood being told that they have PND or PTSD or need medication or a therapist. It's OK to be unhappy with motherhood. It doesn't mean you're crazy or depressed. We have been socially conditioned to think that women are naturally suited to motherhood and must love being mothers but really it's not for everyone and some aspects of parenting are very challenging.

Nobody finds it easy, not women or men. The difference is women are socially conditioned to feel guilty if they don't love breastfeeding and having a tiny human hanging off them every minute of the day.

@ZooNoLoo - 18 months is a tough age. Mine are 4 and 7 now and I love where we are at this phase. You couldn't pay me money to go back to the toddler years. It will get better, but even if you don't think it will or it never does (unlikely!) don't feel guilty about not liking every aspect of being a parent. It's possible to love your child and hate being a mother, with all that entails.

I think you sound very very insightful
and I can relate, I feel as if it was my body and my unconscious mind that wanted to have children, it was a kind of deep instinctual thing and if I had had any idea what I was letting myself in for I would have never ever wanted to go through with it
I felt compelled to do the best I could but really I didn't enjoy any of it, I found it tremendously hard, tremendously draining and totally counter to my natural personality which is very introverted and solitary

This bit is FUCKING hard, I really cannot overstate that enough. You don't sound clinically depressed but you do sounds depressed in the sense that you feel like your life has gone to shit and that's hard. I remember this stage so well and I felt exactly the same.

It absolutely gets better. I wish kids were delivered at about age 3-4 as I found everything before that a relentless shitshow and such a slog I wanted to scoop my own eyes out with a rusty spoon just to liven things up. Very small children are SO boring. Why does no-one admit this? They are ponderous, slow and tooth-grindingly dull. They want to look at every flower and leaf which is cute but also MADDENING and every task takes about 4 years. Plus they can't explain stuff to you and are always throwing up.

I think you are downplaying what you've bought to the table, though. It's not just a case of shoving the boob at his face being your only contribution and I hope you can see that really. And oh God it does get so much better. Mine is 10 now and I love him so much I want to cry quite often at the thought of him leaving home and what the hell I'll do then. I miss him terribly when he's at his Dad's and he's such good company that I love spending time with him. I don't think 'oh you're my child who I am responsible for' but just 'oh what a brilliant human being you are and how much I love spending time being with you'.
Hang in there!

Really looking it back it feels as if I was hijacked

It’s helpful to remember that every stage is just that, a stage. Just as I wouldn’t want to be judged today on the pretentiousness of my teenage years, whatever babies do at whatever stage, it’s a stage. They grow up, they become more interesting, they have personalities. HOWEVER, some of this doesn’t happen by itself. There are a few things I actively did (or I have) that I feel have helped me to deal with the loss of my child free life.

• My DH is and has always been an equal parent. He wakes up, he gets the kids ready, makes their packed lunches and works a very stressful job (he’s a medic). When he’s home he’s straight into bed and bath time. He does whatever chores need doing. We divide up all our work equally and he’s more than happy to take on his share when I am away at conferences etc. I have been shocked by the shit women put up with from frankly useless other halves on MN.
• I also made sure that over time DS shared some of my interests (I am a big sports fan) and he enjoyed doing what DH and I like doing. We travel a lot, we love long walks, we like good food and we have exposed DS1 and 2 to as much of this as is financially and logistically possible.
• Keeping expectations realistic. We went to this amazing historical place last year that I have always wanted to go to. The kids were sweaty and bored in the evenings so we took turns and other one would go off and do some of the cultural stuff. And then we did family stuff together. Nope your holidays are not going to be lying on a beach sipping cocktails with no routine, but if you don’t find some peace and get the DC to adjust to what you would like to do, then the bitter regret will eat away at you.

I REALLY struggled after DS1 was born. Even with a supportive partner. I found parenting a small baby dull and pointless so these are strategies I evolved over time to help me enjoy DS1’s childhood. And at some point we even had a second!

I think it's really hard op. I often wonder if I did the right thing. I love my dd more than anything, I would do anything for her. But when I've listened to the word 'NO!' Eleventy billion times a day, and when she screams for something, then screams when I give her that something and then screams about something else I sit there and stare into space and think... really??
I remember I used to just leave the house. I was beautiful. I was free. Now I am fat, ugly, and I have to do the whole logistics of packing a bag, enough nappies, will I get back in time for her nap, do I have enough snacks, should I bring the iPad, will she scream and throw herself to the ground and bang her head deliberately wherever I'm going. It's exhausting.

I do love her though. And there are those tiny times in the day where I think, aw, what did I do without her.

Until she yells NO!!!! Again 🤦🏻‍♀️

Look, it is all about the stage, nobody is good at it all the time.

I loved baby stage, not so much toddler, love it post age 4 as the conversation improves immensely.

Your time is yet to come, just keep on giving the love and lower your standards on the drudgery and ensure equal with DP. Or go back to work to be you and be cherish the time you get to be A Mum.

Presuming your a sahm. Have you thought about working and DC going to nursery/childminder?

Wanting to be a mum is a biological urge. It's an integral part of being a woman. Not for all of course! We are not 1 size fits all!

I've LP'rented for 27 years now. It was fucking hard and I am blessed he pretty much has landed on his feet...

I wonder if I would do it again looking back, I've known those who have lost their child (can't even imagine the pain of that) and wondering about their future in the reality of climate change...
never mind housing is out of reach unless you have £££...

But still have friends who regret their missed chance of having them...

It's never an easy decision whichever way it turns out.

All part of life really...

mcjx Don't be worry although my 2nd was a terror, my first was such an easy baby she was amazing, she smiled lots, settled anywhere you put her. Thank god I had her first otherwise DS would be an only.

I'm really struggling at the moment. Eldest is extraordinarily difficult and I'm not enjoying it at all. I'm so tired, I have no career. I'm so bored. Housework is pointless and they destroy it within minutes.

I was chatting with DH and musing that by the time dd3 has left, the oldest 2 might be asking for help with grandchildren and he said 'Oh, you'll love looking after them, you'll love it'. And I thought 'no, I fucking won't. Christ, do I really give the impression of someone who loves endlessly cleaning up shit and sorting arguments?!'. I feel like I'm going mad most days. Part of my issue is I never get a break. He works incredibly long hours and we don't live near family. It's relentless. I know where you are coming from OP.

Stop 'raging against the machine', this is the fresh start - with acceptance comes a new way of life and new insights. So look at this as your new ground zero and what you can do to make it better. Now, not who or what you were before having a baby, just now. An attitude adjustment is all that is required. If you didn't have him, you might actually reach the same point, with a couple of years grace, about your life in general. He is not a burden, nobodies life should ever be seen as a burden and he will need all the help he can get to reach adulthood, well and happy and excited for HIS life, don't deny him that support. We are not solitary creatures and you are just as important a person as you were before you had him.

It does get better, OP.

I have 3 - 21, 15 and 14 now. So it isn't as relentless anymore.

Still, on balance and knowing what I know now, no matter how much I love them, I think my life would have been so much easier and just as enjoyable if I had not had children.

Children bring love and joy, yes, but they also bring hard work, and worries, and stress and sometimes misery.

That said my 15 year old daughter did stomp up to her bedroom today exclaiming that she wished she were dead, she wished her brother would go back to university because she was happier when he wasn't here and then sent me a long text about how we never do any of the things she wants to do and school holidays are boring (whilst at the same time agreeing there is literally NOTHING I can suggest as an activity that she would agree to except shopping. And she is aware we don't have the money for random "just for fun" shopping at the moment - I have suggested walks, cycling, swimming, museums, castles, picnics, the beach, baking cakes, making bread, sewing, card games, board games, tidying her bedroom, inviting friends round... nothing interests her at all.)

So perhaps I am not in the best place to offer advice today.

'Christ, I'm expecting my first and this thread has terrified me somewhat'

You already know it's going to be hard work, don't worry. The newborn stage was relentless and exhausting for me but I wouldn't change a second of those days with my boy.

YANBU. Mine do make me laugh.. but if I could turn the clock back... I do not enjoy being a mother. I made the wrong choice and it's one I regret daily.