To regret having children?

[ZooNoLoo]

[quote] edit by MNHQ
Hi all. Apologies, but we've got some doubts about the OP of this one, and we're not sure that they're here with the best intentions.

Who knows? The post may reflect a real situation - but the poster has been banned before.

A huge thank you for all those who have shared their thoughts and experiences - we're sure they're helpful to anyone who is reading the thread and is facing similar issues.

On reflection, we've decided to leave this thread up because the contributions from Mumsnetters are so useful.[/quote]

Well, not children. But a child. I only have the 1!

I dislike it. The drudge of family life, very limited time to just enjoy myself, everything considered for DC before I come into it. The lack of personal space, all the worry (I'm a very practical and matter of fact person but even I worry sometimes as a mum).

I'm just sick of the whole thing. I really think life without children is far better. I look at families with more than one child and feel somewhat uneasy. It's not something I could ever even consider.

I don't enjoy being a mum. I don't enjoy parenting.

I feel like I've done a bloody good job so far and my DS is beautiful and a lovely little one. But if I could turn back time and didn't know he existed. I would.

It's an odd one, I could easily be without children if I could change things. I just wouldn't be without DS since I know him now and o adore him and love him unconditionally.

It isn't something I'd recommend though (being a mum).

I have been gifted with an extremely easy child too. 0 sleep deprivation, 0 fuss really. It's all been very breezy. But I fucking hate family life.

Your ds is still very young. I find that if they could pop out at 5yrs then that would be great!

I think most people have this. Even my most maternal friend has admitted to me that she misses her old life sometimes and gets upset about it.

Before I had DC I was in great shape, worked out 6 times a week, ate well. Now I shoehorn in workouts and eat terribly (I’m always rushing and terrible at planning food). My career has stumbled. I saw some girls on the tube the other day just casually going for brunch and I was so jealous of their freedom.

I work full time and honestly that is what saves me. It means I really look forward to seeing my daughter. I don’t regret having her, but it’s tough getting used to my new life

Nope, Not unreasonable. I (gently) advise anyone I care about against it.
It has ruined me physically, financially, emotionally... my career has gone, pension etc...
Def not UR

Absolutely no judgement here. I have a 3 yr old and an 18 month old and it’s fucking relentless.

I love my beautiful girls more than anything - but I also grieve for my old life. It’s so so hard - so no judgment here

Sorry, I think you're being completely unreasonable.
A child should be a joy to have, and you have a lovely little one.
Just enjoy your situation ( you can't change it, so just make it work for you)

Well that didn’t take long did it? Less than 20 minutes and we have this incredibly empathetic post. 🙄

I'll tell anyone who asked that I found ages birth to about 3 a total fucking nightmare. At about 6 weeks I literally thought I would die of fatigue. Hated breastfeeding, it was excruciatingly painful for hte first 9 weeks but even once my nipples had scarred over I felt so tied down. My DH criticized everything I did and had no real interest in family life so that didn't help. I left him when DC was 1. Being a single parent sucks. Couples don't want you, other single parents seemed to be intersted only in their kids.

I missed doing adult things and my freedom and truly felt I had ruined my life.

My DS is grown up now and gone. We have a good relationship and I love it when he's home. BUt if I had it do over again, I think I would have been happier childless. Who knows, if I'd never had a child I mnight have regretted it. But I'm not very maternal and I really need my alone time. I feel I missed so many opportunties and lost years when I could have been learning the skills I needed to get to a decent place at work.

I just wish I hadn't felt like the only mother who felt this way back then. It just wasn't talked about and I thought I was a monster.

Bold fail.

Don’t beat yourself up. 18 months is probably the worst in terms of how needy they are vs what you get back in terms of interaction/conversation. My DS is a year older and it’s infinitely better now that we can have a proper conversation. Is there any way you can get a bit of free time by perhaps paying for a regular extra morning in nursery or something? I do that and it has saved my mental health. And maybe think about talking to your GP to check no depression at play here too?

@ZooNoLoo

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and everything you've written is exactly why I would never have children and never will.

I'm sure that's the right decision for me.

For you though, I'd say the only time that I ever think it's worth having children is (if you are lucky and get on with your children well) is the end of all of this - when you have an adult who is 30+ who is like a close friend who loves you a great deal. The sort of relationship I have with my parents.

If I could cut out all the grunt work, drudgery and expense of raising a child and could go straight to that end bit, I might consider it !!

All I'd say to you is though hang in there - that end bit is a nice thing if it works out as a close family. Think of your own relationship with your mum/dad if you are lucky enough to have a good one.

Not for me though and plenty of people feel like you do.

Thank you so much for your honesty, all posters - it is such a relief to hear and I'm so grateful.

I'm currently child free and as I get older, the pressure to have children really ramps up. I have never wanted kids - the thought of it makes me feel horrified and panicky - but it's hard not to doubt myself. What if everyone is right and I would end up loving it and this is actually the point of existence?

I recently ended a relationship with a really great guy because he wanted kids and I didn't. A lot of friends/family were actually quite angry with me about it, as if I had been stupid and selfish, and there is a real sense of exasperation with me. But I just worried that I'd find childcare an unbearable drudging grind that wasted decades of my life (and all my money!) and I'd feel even more of a freak. I have never wanted kids, and it is such a relief when people are honest enough to say "yep, parenting isn't right for everyone, and some people do regret it. Strongly not wanting to have children is a good sign that you might be one of them".

This stage is not forever, OP. I didn't like the toddler era very much either, but things change; DC get older, you get more time and space (your 7-year-old will not be clinging to your legs every time you want to have a shit in peace). And I hope it's possible for you to have some time off, either while DC's dad mindds them, or a doting grandparent, or a childminder or friend with DC.

Sorry if I missed it, but is he in childcare at all? What about his dad? I sah with a 19 month old. We have a childminder one day a week, and DH has her for an hour each morning. Some days it saves my sanity.

I get it. Being a parent is often utter shite.

So no, YADNBU. But for me it definitely get better from about age 4. All the best to you.

I think far more women regret having children than would ever admit it.

Me and DH chose to be childfree and over the years have had quite a few women (and men) say that they love their children but if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any.

I have never regretted our choice not to have children nor has DH. We are both in our 60's now.

I think we are, on the whole, sold a fantasy about having children. Yes I am sure there are many happy women/men/couples with children but there are also many unhappy ones. They can ruin a women's body/health, ruin a relationship and cause a lot of worry, upset and distress.

Hell no!! YANBU! 3 too many kids here! I would absolutely die for them, catch their puke in my hands, use my favourite top to wipe up their snot! BUT if I knew then what I know now...., never in a million years would I choose to be a parent!!

Grab some time for yourself. Dh will manage, as you do . Do something you did before children - eg coffee with friend, film, art gallery.

Do you think you might have a bit of pnd? If so, see gp.

I have a 10 yr old and a teenager who has adhd tendencies. It's the school holidays and felt like you today so I took myself off for a long walk to clear my head. It took a while to come down but I did

Porcupine I don't think having children is the point of existence. I think self-actualization (for lack of a better word) is. I think that's why I never wanted children that badly until one day, bam! I wanted to have a baby.

But I come from a country where there's little support for parents, no child benefit, no subsidized child care, no maternity leave, etc and having kids is pratically a luxury, not a duty to society as it seems to be in Europe.

If you feel that strongly you don't want kids, why should you?

He is worth it. My little person. But that's only because he's here. If I didn't know him personally and could speak to my TTC self, I'd throw some condoms my way and say forget the whole thing
Isn't this the point though? Generic idea of children not worth giving your life up for, but YOUR child that little person you know inside and out, they are worth it. The one who makes you want to just pull the pillow over your head when they wake you up at 4am and you think I used to just be getting in from a night out around this time, and then that huge smile and giggle, you tell them it's not funny to get up at 4am, but they think it is and you find yourself laughing back (just mine?).

I am not a child friendly person I don't coo over other people's and I do miss my childfree life, but I do like MY child, he's only a baby for a while and I can't wait to meet the person he grows up to be. That's not to say I'll be having any more though!

YANBU though I do think as parents the grass is greener looking back. You always imagine all the fun things you would be doing instead and the reality is often that when you do have child free time you haven’t the foggiest what to do with it and your friends are busy with their kids etc so you end up doing something equally as boring so I don’t think having kids is as particularly boring as not. You can always get babysitters etc and do the things you want to if finances allow. You don’t have to be there 24/7 just because some people are. My DD was in nursery by 4 weeks old. I’ve travelled all over just me and two toddlers. It’s been hard but so is the humdrum of being an adult anyway.

I feel the same some of the time. I got the biological urge and desired a "family" and my DH is a fantastic father, but I've never been maternal. I'm poorer, have become fat, have (temporarily) forsaken my career and currently have zero time for myself. If I could go back to the pre-child me, I'd probably warn me off. BUT. BUT! if I hadn't done it, I don't know if the "what if" would've have plagued me. I think it would.

My youngest is 18 months. Exhausting. Feisty. Lethal proclivities for climbing and throwing. Adorable but so trying. Older DC has just turned four, and I'm seeing some hope - can dress themselves, go to the loo independently, play and concentrate solo for reasonable periods, and is even vaguely helpful sometimes. We have genuinely fun conversations and it's fascinating seeing a personality develop.

So, loathe though I am to wish away time, I would quite like to skip the next 2 years and get the youngest up to 3.5 which is when I started to feel looking after the older DC was less of a drudge.

The worry though, by god, has it aged me.

And maybe think about talking to your GP to check no depression at play here too?

Please don't medicalise this. I know you mean well, but it is so wrong that, every time a woman expresses discontent with being a mother, someone asks if she is depressed. It is saying that she must be mentally ill to feel that way.

Very supportive. Nice

I have 2 children now adult.

Before having any I wanted six children and couldn't understand why anyone would not want a child.

When I had one child my ambitions went down to having four.
By the time I had two, I definitely didn't want any more and as they grew up definitely saw evidence that a child free existence was not a bad thing and I could perfectly understand people who didn't want any.

Your son is 18 months, How old are you? By the time I was 40 mine were in the later half of their teens and I was still relatively young and able to enjoy the freedom. My adult kids are now my best friends