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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think his ex-wife-son are taking us for too much

335 replies

Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:04

Long time lurker, first time poster. It’s a long one so apologies in advance.

Been with my DF for almost 7 years, have a 3 (almost 4) yr old and getting married in the summer.

DF was married before (to C - she was also married before and had 2 other sons (both older) and has one son with DF (16 this year) who lives with C in Scotland. DF has never not paid for his son, he even chose to have it deducted straight from wages when CSA were in charge. He didn’t trust C and wanted there to be a proper paper trail if ever she decided to say she never received anything. Since we have been together the payments have been just shy of £200. I have never had a problem with him paying for his son.

C has never let DF speak to son or see him since he was 3. She tried to kill herself a few times (once when pregnant and once when son was born) so DF took parental responsibility for her 2 older sons and their own while she was sectioned. They split up when son was 3 and she told a court it would be detrimental to her mental health to allow DF custody and access. Court agreed. (DF living in north of England at this point and C in Scotland)

Fast forward to last year. CMS took over from CSA and they re-assesses him and told him his payments would need to be £500 a month. We argued that this was a massive increase. They said it was because of what he earned. However they were taking overtime into account which we said was wrong. His overtime was not guaranteed and he did that to pay for our wedding/holidays etc. They said they were right. He went to court and while the judge was sympathetic said there was nothing they could do. He even tried showing them that if he had a basic month, with no overtime, paid the mortgage (a not unreasonable £660) gas, elec etc he physically would not have enough to pay the CMS. They didn’t care. They don’t take household expenses into account. He then said he had another child to support (ours) they said they had allowed £30 pcm for her. £30 bloody quid. That’s not even a day in nursery.

Because C doesn’t want him to know where she is she wants everything doing through the CMS so he has to pay their admin charge (extra £83 pm) and now we are in a vicious cycle. He worked more OT last year to pay her and still have money for our savings but because he earned more he now has to pay more this year £634 pcm!!!!

I’m fed up with it. My daughter doesn’t have £634 a month spent on her from her dad. I expected his payments to go up but AIBU to think this is grossly unfair and there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking. Surely if CMS believe 2 children should cost £664 then that money should be split between the 2?

His son can leave school at any time now but we know she won’t tell us so this could be ongoing for another 4 years because there isn’t a doubt in my mind she’ll make son stay at school if she’s getting £550 odd quid a month. Oh and she’s back with her first husband!! 🤬🤬

OP posts:
chillpizza · 17/04/2019 21:10

I’m sure you daughter does get that much when you think roof over her head, electric, water, gas, electric, clothes, toiletries, food etc

He must be earning a big amount for that to be set so high so it’s not like your on your arse.

Beansandcoffee · 17/04/2019 21:16

He has a responsibility towards his first children. £600 a month isn’t a huge amount considering he must be earning over £50k for that assessment. My Ex pays £600 for our two kids and we are not rolling in it. Just covers the kids costs.

Stressedout10 · 17/04/2019 21:16
Biscuit
Nearlythere1 · 17/04/2019 21:17

I would appeal it now it's gone up again, that's absurd. And i'd also look into finding a legal way to be notified when his son leaves school.

HerRoyalNotness · 17/04/2019 21:20

I think the problem is he is in a cycle he can’t get out of. He has to now keep doing the OT whether he likes it or not to be able to pay the amount, and that’s what he will continue to get assessed on. It should be base pay as you say, OT is not guaranteed and could end at any time

KC225 · 17/04/2019 21:21

He hasn't seen his son in 13 years? Have I read that right?

Stiffasaboard · 17/04/2019 21:21

Have you actually totted up what your own child costs tho- mortgage, bills, food, clothes, days out, holidays, uniform..... shoes alone for teenage boys who are growing by the day can be a fortune.

Has he never tried to get access again? It seems sad he was told no access many years ago and hasn’t ever appealed that.
I can see if he has no emotional attachment to his son then paying must feel harsh but he still had to pay I’m afraid.

Your dislike of the ex is irrelevant as is her relationship.

Original poster
Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:21

His ex has never worked. Lived off benefits her whole life. His basic is £32k and as I said if he had a basic month with no OT (he did last year as was in hospital) he can not afford it when you take all necessary household bills into account. I had a much better job this time last year but a job opened up in a school which I jumped at (in readiness for my DD starting school in sep). I lost £9k a year which is a massive amount to me. He did more OT to pay for things for us but is being penalised for it and needs to pass that on to her. He works 2 nights every week on top of his 5 days and picks up call and other out of hours jobs whenever he can.

I have never begrudged his son money but it seems very unfair he’s not even allowed to see hi or know where he is but is expected to pay so much?!

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 17/04/2019 21:23

But how long has he been earning that amount of prob around 60k a year? Had he been under paying?

Stiffasaboard · 17/04/2019 21:23

He overtime issue is harsh tho but seems a bit odd- the courts normally consider that which makes me think his OT is a very regular part of his work?

Graphista · 17/04/2019 21:23

Have a Biscuit

From me too

Like fuck does he spend less than that on your child.

He has 50% responsibility for his child with his ex that is being rightly enforced.

Holidays, weddings & savings are luxuries the child's basic needs come before any of those.

Personally I also think it's a joke that nrps can get maintenance reduced if they have more children. The older children don't suddenly need less because their parent decides to procreate again.

And her being back with her first husband is COMPLETELY irrelevant and none of your business.

Original poster
Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:24

She will not tell us where she is. She has changed his last name (not legally I don’t think as he has never given permission)

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 17/04/2019 21:24

You are obsessing about it being money for HER and how lazy she is etc

It’s not about her, the money is for his son.

Graphista · 17/04/2019 21:27

You also only have his word for why she doesn't want him to have contact with the child or indeed even know where they live.

That's extremely unusual, what's more concerning is that either your man hasn't bothered to challenge this (why not? What's he hiding?) or he has and at least one court has agreed with her - which is extremely rare and usually only happens in cases of extreme abuse.

Not sure you know him as well as you think.

Stressedout10 · 17/04/2019 21:27

With the greatest of respect op I very much doubt that the courts would give sole custody of a child to someone who is as mentally ill as you claim nor would there be an order to prevent your partner from even knowing where his son lives perhaps you should be more concerned about what really went on.

Ellie56 · 17/04/2019 21:28

Have you ever sought legal advice over access?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 17/04/2019 21:28

You've been led up the garden path.... majorly.

DF has never not paid for his son, he even chose to have it deducted straight from wages when CSA were in charge

This is bullshit. You could not ask the CSA to deduct it directly from wages. It only happened when there was difficulty getting payments or the information for an assessment. Getting a deduction of earnings order was a long and lengthy process including which the CSA had to prove non compliance.

Since we have been together the payments have been just shy of £200......CMS took over from CSA and they re-assesses him and told him his payments would need to be £500 a month.

So basically at some point his income increased and he didnt bother notifying the CSA so he kept paying the lower amount.

You've got a real gem there...Hmm

Nearlythere1 · 17/04/2019 21:29

Come off it everybody...
OP, I think you've got some bitter ex wives on this thread that are clearly getting the bare minimum.
What an awful thing to not be able to work yourselves and your child into a better life to fund the life of a woman who refuses to do the same for herself.
Like I said, I have no answers other than appeal again, see a solicitor.
I can tell you for free at 16 I didn't need £600 worth of upkeep. In fact, I got a part-time job to tide myself over for the clothes etc, and I'd even give my mum some when I was full time in the summer.

Stiffasaboard · 17/04/2019 21:29

Agree OP you are being very nasty about her when she isn’t the point here and you only have one side of the story

His lack of contact is down to him. Either there is reason about him why a judge felt he shouldn’t have contact or he hasn’t tried enough.

His partner is going via the CMS and receiving what they deem appropriate and yet you are vitriolic about her lack of job etc

How do you even know all this about her if you don’t have any contact or know their name or where they live?

adaline · 17/04/2019 21:31

Are you sure he's telling the truth about why he can't see his son?

newmun · 17/04/2019 21:31

He needs to stop doing the overtime and then appeal!

adaline · 17/04/2019 21:33

What an awful thing to not be able to work yourselves and your child into a better life to fund the life of a woman who refuses to do the same for herself.

How does she know? They've apparently had no contact for thirteen years and don't know where she lives Hmm

Lots of holes in this story.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 17/04/2019 21:35

Are you sure he's telling the truth about why he can't see his son?

Yeah given the amount of outright bullshit over everything else...

Drogosnextwife · 17/04/2019 21:35

Well when you marry someone with a child you should expect them to pay cm, if their wage goes up so do cm payments. It's tough shot really. Also why hasn't he done anything in the last 13 years to try and see his son?

Original poster
Shesonlyworth30 · 17/04/2019 21:35

Yes he does pay mortgage and everything else which obviously amounts to more than £600 but as I have mentioned C is on benefits so has never had rent/council tax to pay. Also claims disability benefits.

I do think he should pay for his son but that £600 she is getting (and it does go to her to spend accordingly is £400 more than she was getting before, so disposable income) we don’t have £400 to spend how we want.

As far as weddings and luxuries go. We are getting wed at a registry office and my dress is from eBay. My mom has paid for a small reception. We are hardly flush.

For people that think he hasn’t told me everything, he has. We are still in contact with C’s brother and sister in law who were obviously around when it all happened. They don’t see her or know where she is either but have told me what he has said is true. And she is to be quite blunt mad as a box of frogs.

And yes I do think money should go down as more kids come into it. We won’t be having any more but if we were to split expecting him to pay £600 to each of us in unrealistic.

He has been doing this OT for a little over a year now. Like to say to buy extra things for us but it puts us in a vicious cycle

OP posts: