AIBU to think his ex-wife-son are taking us for too much

[Shesonlyworth30]

Long time lurker, first time poster. It’s a long one so apologies in advance.

Been with my DF for almost 7 years, have a 3 (almost 4) yr old and getting married in the summer.

DF was married before (to C - she was also married before and had 2 other sons (both older) and has one son with DF (16 this year) who lives with C in Scotland. DF has never not paid for his son, he even chose to have it deducted straight from wages when CSA were in charge. He didn’t trust C and wanted there to be a proper paper trail if ever she decided to say she never received anything. Since we have been together the payments have been just shy of £200. I have never had a problem with him paying for his son.

C has never let DF speak to son or see him since he was 3. She tried to kill herself a few times (once when pregnant and once when son was born) so DF took parental responsibility for her 2 older sons and their own while she was sectioned. They split up when son was 3 and she told a court it would be detrimental to her mental health to allow DF custody and access. Court agreed. (DF living in north of England at this point and C in Scotland)

Fast forward to last year. CMS took over from CSA and they re-assesses him and told him his payments would need to be £500 a month. We argued that this was a massive increase. They said it was because of what he earned. However they were taking overtime into account which we said was wrong. His overtime was not guaranteed and he did that to pay for our wedding/holidays etc. They said they were right. He went to court and while the judge was sympathetic said there was nothing they could do. He even tried showing them that if he had a basic month, with no overtime, paid the mortgage (a not unreasonable £660) gas, elec etc he physically would not have enough to pay the CMS. They didn’t care. They don’t take household expenses into account. He then said he had another child to support (ours) they said they had allowed £30 pcm for her. £30 bloody quid. That’s not even a day in nursery.

Because C doesn’t want him to know where she is she wants everything doing through the CMS so he has to pay their admin charge (extra £83 pm) and now we are in a vicious cycle. He worked more OT last year to pay her and still have money for our savings but because he earned more he now has to pay more this year £634 pcm!!!!

I’m fed up with it. My daughter doesn’t have £634 a month spent on her from her dad. I expected his payments to go up but AIBU to think this is grossly unfair and there is a fundamental flaw in this thinking. Surely if CMS believe 2 children should cost £664 then that money should be split between the 2?

His son can leave school at any time now but we know she won’t tell us so this could be ongoing for another 4 years because there isn’t a doubt in my mind she’ll make son stay at school if she’s getting £550 odd quid a month. Oh and she’s back with her first husband!! 🤬🤬

OP you are mad. I think it is wrong that CM is reduced when more children are produced with a new partner. If you go on to have more children with a new partner then don’t steel from the first born children.

OP, this lot are just going to keep tearing you to shreds. Get the payment appealed again, and if all else fails tell your husband to go part-time and get a cash in hand job on the side.

WOW.

And this is why so many men get away with not paying for the raising of their child.
Attitudes like this are vile. You should be ashamed for suggesting this.

Op I moved with my ds1 to Scotland when he was 4 (no I’m not your df’s ex!) my ex husband applied for contact, and despite a history of violence, was granted significant contact by the family court. Because I was the parent that moved the onus was also on me to facilitate at least 50% of the travel. Given the ages this happened at about the same time as your df’s case. I’m only saying this to say that maybe something in his story might not add up.

It’s Scotland. Not Outer Mongolia. Ffs. More excuses.

So it would cost too much and take too long to ensure he could see his child? Bollocks.
He couldn’t be arsed.
And you only have his side of the story too.

Good lord OP. It's NOT ABOUT HIS EX at all - she could be a millionaire and he'd still have to pay the measy 15% of his income that has been allocated for child maintenance.

And yes, it's fair. You've got the other 85%.

If you think it's such an amazing deal, though, you can always leave your partner and get child maintenance.

Has anyone else considered that “DF” may have been abusive and the cause if her attempts at suicide? Therefore when he went before a judge for custody the judge agreed it would be detrimental to her mental health?

See the issue I see in that is that a court only takes the child’s rights and needs into consideration, so there must have been compelling evidence that his presence would have significantly harmed the mother’s mental health to a point that it would have had enough of an impact on the child that it out weighed the benefits of having a father around.

If CM is set st that amount that is what Is payable. He could reject the overtime and ask for a review based on lower earnings.

CM is something you knew would need paying when you met and had a child with him. The fact his income has increased means that of course the payments will too.

I also know he has asked CMS and CSA for contact info for her. She has refused. He has been asking for years.

Please say you relise that this was never going to be a possibility. The CSA and CMS would have to breach data protection law in order to provide this information. I'm assuming he told you this to make himself look less of a deadbeat. Im really hoping you dont actually believe this

Any other utter gems we can correct....

Has anyone else considered that “DF” may have been abusive and the cause if her attempts at suicide?

Yes i think this is the most likely scenario. Particularly given the level of gaslighting over just about everything else

‘Go part time and get a cash in hand job on the side’
To avoid supporting your own child.

How could you ever respect a man who does this (or be so low as to suggest it).

Horrendous.

And as far as everyone mentioning she has bills rent etc. Yes she has some but she has always been on benefits. She has never made a rent or council tax payment.

How can you possibly know this? In 13 years how many times have you met her? How intimate are you with her finances that you can make such a bold claim?

Yes he was working and yes he could have tried harder but he was younger then (25) no excuse I know. He did see a solicitor solicitor said it would be long winded and expensive. He was in England. Son in Scotland. Scottish law is wildly different. He couldn’t not do the call every 2 weeks it was in his contract for job and likewise whilst living in Blackpool he could have been called down to lands end at any time.

Blah, blah, blah, excuse after excuse. You'd better hope he never leaves you and your DD the way he ditched his first child. You'd also better hope that if he does, his next wife isn't as miserly as to resent monies he pays for your DD.

I know her brother and SIL and feel confident saying she’s lazy, she’s worked the system, and there isn’t a doubt in my mind she’s sitting there rubbing her hands with glee right about now.

You have no idea who she is. You don't know her, you're simply drip-feeding to try and paint her badly. Who the fuck would rub their hands together over £600 in place of an actual parent to help her raise her child? I co-parent with an ex and I know without a moments hesitation that if I'd tried to prevent him from having access he'd have spend every penny of his money and fought to the ends of the earth to see his son because he is a Dad, not a feckless shite.

I also know he has asked CMS and CSA for contact info for her. She has refused. He has been asking for years. God knows what she’s actually told her son about him.

Why would he need to ask CMS for her address or contact info? Surely if you know her brother and SIL (as you've openly claimed earlier on) you don't need to make excuses about him asking the CMS for contact info; you can go straight through her family?

I cannot believe he hasn't seen his child for 13 years 😦 that is absolutely shocking. And you are complaining because he has to pay 15% of his salary towards that child. It makes absolutely no difference what benefits the ex receives or if she works, from your original post it sounds like she has significant mental health issues so that would be understandable to most people, why should the child suffer when his dad earns a decent wage? Really it's the least your husband can do

Why is he still in touch with her brother and SIL? That's seriously weird when he doesn't even see his own son. Either way, all of this is irrelevant. He pays a percentage of his income to support his child. That is right and proper. Any decent man would do so willingly.

OP, this lot are just going to keep tearing you to shreds. Get the payment appealed again, and if all else fails tell your husband to go part-time and get a cash in hand job on the side.

Are you seriously trying to offer advice on how man who has already abandoned his child can also avoid paying for his upkeep? Absolutely disgusting.

He did see a solicitor solicitor said it would be long winded and expensive. He was in England. Son in Scotland. Scottish law is wildly different. He couldn't not do the call every 2 weeks it was in his contract for job and likewise whilst living in Blackpool he could have been called down to lands end at any time

OP, come on. You are a mother. If your partner took your child and ran off to Scotland would you let any of this bullshit stand in your way? Would you let a solicitor's opinion that it would be expensive and long winded stop you from moving mountains to get your child back? Would you seriously use your job as an excuse or would you get any job in the world that would allow you to see your child? You must know how pathetic these excuses are. You have a child. You must know.

You say you want both children to be treated equally, but they aren’t.

As far as the older child is concerned his dad hasn’t bothered with him in years. The reasons for this sound weak, and I am sure won’t cut it with the abandoned.

Your husband on the other hand is all in for your you child. She wins.

Suck up the payments, your husband needs to support his child. He’s 16 - so not much longer to go.

If the boy ever turns up looking for answers at Lear his dad paid for him, even if he wasn’t physically there. Mine very small thing,

He was friend last with the brother before he married her. That’s how they met.
I’m done now I’ve had my answers. We will continue to pay.
That’s for the mum bashing you’ve all made my day!!

"No she was fucking someone else which is why he left" OMG

Again

YOU ONLY HAVE HIS SAY SO on that. You do NOT know this woman from Adam! You cannot possibly know what happened purely from what your partner who has a very OBVIOUS agenda in demonising her has said!

My ex told his now wife and even his parents any number of ridiculous lies about me. The majority of which I was able to prove and set them straight on. She is now massively regretting believing him and feels trapped.

"never in a position where you feel your children are slightly wronged and treated unfairly."

Actually I'll wager several of us know EXACTLY what that feels like because we HAVE been the ones seeing our kids completely shafted by deadbeat selfish arses like your partner!

We've been the ones trying to answer "why doesn't dad love me?" "Why doesn't dad see me?" "Why doesn't dad phone me?" "If my dad can't love me why would anyone else?" "What did I do wrong?"

We've been the ones scraping by to make sure our kids don't go without, missing meals, wearing shoes with holes in in the rain, walking miles to work to save on transport costs, begging utilities companies to give us a few more days to pay, running up debt to cover the basics like food, wearing clothes until they're practically threadbare, all while trying to hide this from the kids so they don't worry!

We've been the ones spending DAYS, MONTHS even YEARS constantly calling csa/cms to chase maintenance payments.

I'm in Scotland, my ex is in England. All your partner is required to do to is to apply to court to get his parental rights recognised and apply for the right to act on this in Scotland. Iirc he simply has to reside in Scotland for a week to do this (I looked into all this when my ex was playing silly buggers).

And if ANYBODY is doing any bashing it's been you!

Bashing a single mother who's had NO parental support from the father

Benefit bashing

Disabled bashing

Mentally ill bashing!

Fucking delightful behaviour!!

That’s for the mum bashing you’ve all made my day!!

This isn't Mum bashing. You're simply being awful, and when awful people behave like spoiled, selfish brats on AIBU, they get their arses handed to them on a plate. Well done you for flouncing, though. It's really the only thing this thread was lacking.

Ugh. You're a piece of work OP. As are people giving advice on how to pay the son less. Of course she's all the things your beloved says she is. I mean he has no reason to lie of course, being such an upstanding gent and can I ask how you have such intimate knowledge of her financial affairs OP - like she's never paid rent or council tax - when you've never even met her? Sounds like someone is spinning you a load of bull and you're falling for it. So your DH's relatives - who presumably haven't seen her in 13 years - say she's lazy? Well it's an open and shut case then 🙄

Watch he doesn't do this to you. Men like this don't change. Don't come crying here when you can't afford food for your kid because he's shafting you financially too

If your fiancé actually gave a shit he would have fought tooth and nail for access to his son:

As it is, he hasn't bothered and now your daughter is a similar age to his eldest when he decided not to bother anymore, I reckon it's all starting to hit home for you.

If your DP is in touch with the brother he could have written letters to be given to his son. I'm in Scotland and custody/access isn't 'wildly' different. Your DP made the choice to ignore his son and tells you a story to suit him.
Yes it's a vicious circle, he gets assessed a higher amount, works OT to pay it, then the OT leads to higher assessment.

YOU ONLY HAVE HIS SAY SO

But he's a lovely man why on earth would he spout such extravagant lies about the ex and child he abandoned.

He hasn't seen his child for over a decade and all you've given are weak excuses.

OP,
You really haven't got a clue, you are deluded. Good luck with your future husband, you're going to need it!

@Graphista

Hear hear!