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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 19:30

I find it completely incomprehensible that people would not be incandescent that their dp has allowed their 7 year old to view porn. I wonder what would be said if it was a brother in law, or a family friend or any other relation.....

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 19:32

But it really is all “fingers in the ears lalalala I don’t want to think about porn” isn’t it?

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 19:33

Has anyone said they wouldn’t be incandescent? I can’t imagine anyone would be anything less.

Prequelle · 17/04/2019 19:35

There's a difference between being angry, and threatening to split your entire family up

He didn't 'let' them though did he. Its pretty obvious what you think of porn and those who view it but I don't think it's fair for you to paint this as something it's not. It was a horrible mistake, but a genuine one. Shit happens. We are human.

PCohle · 17/04/2019 19:36

But no, apparently his reaction was to avoid blame.

Well yes, in reaction to being thrown out of the marital home. That's not a situation that invites the repose of "I’m worried that DD might have been upset by it.”

If OP had sat him down and discussed the issue those may well have been the sort of responses she got. No one is saying this isn't a massive issue, but she hasn't exactly given her DH an opportunity to discuss how they can best help their DD if she is refusing to even have him near her.

Prequelle · 17/04/2019 19:37

fingers in the ears lalalala I don’t want to think about porn

Confused

Just because some of us do not have the same reaction to it as you doesn't mean we are ignoring it.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 19:38

He didn’t , as a previous poster pointed out, react as if he thought it was a serious mistake............

amber90 · 17/04/2019 19:39

A 7 year old has an iphone, is responsible for remembering her icloud details and has access to adults phone passwords to pick up and look at whenever she wants?
I think this was a careless mistake on your husbands part and you are, with every kindness, overreacting.

Prequelle · 17/04/2019 19:41

He didn’t , as a previous poster pointed out, react as if he thought it was a serious mistake............

Probably because like the majority here, he found the reaction disproportionate. Had OP actually not threatened to chuck him out of his own home and block him from seeing his kids, I expect he would have been able to focus on what had actually gone wrong rather than the sheer ridiculousness and fear-inducing thought of not seeing his kids.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2019 19:42

An adult man gives a 7 yr old acess to graphic porn on his own device.

He then connects her device to an account which he uses to store graphic porn and downloads that porn onto her device.

He then also give her the password to the account which he uses to store graphic porn.

This is someone who is tech savvy, making three "mistakes" that the OP knows about.

Good job he is her father or the rampaging hordes would be shouting "perve". But as he is related to her its all just fine. Hmm

Presumably if it was graphic violence it would also be all cool.

crispysausagerolls · 17/04/2019 19:43

I don’t understand why OP is not responding to the number of comments pointing out how the real issue may well be him having photos of himself in his underwear/what their purpose is?!

12 day old baby is very young to be away from his mother anyway! But YABU using the children as weapons. I would be upset re the porn but that’s because DH knows I don’t like it - not everyone feels the same way. Sounds like quite violent and unpleasant porn too which makes it even worse, but the iCloud thing was clearly a mistake.

CripsSandwiches · 17/04/2019 19:45

This is getting ridiculous. He didn't let her view porn. It was very obvious an accident. HE probably did think it was a serious mistake which I doubt he would have made twice but was about to be thrown out of his own home so felt OP's reaction was massively disproportionate and not actual in the best interests of their kids.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/04/2019 19:48

Maybe he didn't apologise or anything when she confronted him and she got upset and threw him out it happens 🤷‍♀️

PCohle · 17/04/2019 19:49

*Good job he is her father or the rampaging hordes would be shouting "perve". But as he is related to her its all just fine.

Presumably if it was graphic violence it would also be all cool.*

But it does sound, perfectly plausibly, like a genuine accident. Presumably the OP would have mentioned if she had any other reason to believe that her DH was some kind of child abuser.

If my DH accidentally allowed my child to come into contact with violent material that I otherwise had no issue with him possessing (so eg an 18 film), I'd want to discuss with him how we could address it with the DC and make sure it didn't happen again. It wouldn't cross my mind to refuse him access to the kids.

w0man · 17/04/2019 19:51

That’s not what happened though. The DD has a new phone and couldn’t log in to her iCloud account so her dad logged into his account on her phone so she could download apps.
It is what happened. iCloud synchs content a save profile between multiple devices as what's happened here. I can go to my iMac now leaving my phone like this with a half written message and open it up on my iMac and continue. That's how iCloud works.

Apple ID is what you need to download apps, iCloud is what backs up comet for if you get a new phone to avoid having to manually install every app individually.

Considering this man is meant to be tech savvy especially RE Apple products he should know the basics of iCloud, I'm genuinely surprised to see OP being piled on and told she should have checked her partners phone before allowing him to put his phones content onto a seven year olds device, being told she shouldn't have let her dd have his phones password or play on it when HE is the tech savvy one, it's HIM who should have checked his own phones content before putting it on a childs phone instead of one of the methods for setting up a phone or at least being the tech savvy he is.

If it was an accident he'd be mortified, I know I would if I'd accidentally shown a child graphic porn, espcially it's from those shitty free sites where the "mainstream" stuff if often violent and degrading to women. That mane isn't horrified at his mistake and that's a bit shitty.

On MN there's threads where lots of people talk how their toddlers or children have iPads , there's children who play with a parents phone all the time while they cook dinner or whatever. It's the man keeping porn on a device he slows children to use that's irresponsible here. If OP had said IPad instead of iPhone she'd be getting different responses and I'm sure most parents would be angry if their child had watched graphic porn on a friends phone, no body would be going "oh well it's just porn she will see it eventually". They'd be angry at the person who'd put the porn on a device a child uses.

People will have to verify their age to access porn soon enough to avoid children accessing it, it's a shame the tech savvy man using it didn't take a few steps to prevent a child accessing his porn too.

LittleChristmasMouse · 17/04/2019 19:52

The icloud is a bit strange in how it works. When my dd got a new iphone and logged back into her account it downloaded everything - even stuff that she had previously removed.

It could be that he didn't even have this folder stored on his own phone but stored on the cloud (so may not have even thought it was available to her).

An IT teacher at school told me once that as parents you need to be 10 steps ahead wrt technology and it's true. So many of us don't realise what is out there, just a couple of clicks away, because we don't see it.

My friend's dd was messaged by a paedophile because he somehow got access to the group becoming a friend of a friend ie it wasn't her dd who had accepted him, she knew not to accept someone she didn't know, but the friend had just added him to her contact list which in turn let him see all of her friends contacts.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 19:59

w0man why have you quoted me without adding what I was responding to?

Prequelle · 17/04/2019 20:02

If it was an accident he'd be mortified, I know I would if I'd accidentally shown a child graphic porn, espcially it's from those shitty free sites where the "mainstream" stuff if often violent and degrading to women. That mane isn't horrified at his mistake and that's a bit shitty

How on earth does anyone know he wasn't mortified? The man had been bombarded with the prospect of losing his house and kids, that would have absolutely been my focus and I don't think I would have even been able to speak. Had OP actually had a reaction that didn't involve splitting a family up then I'm guessing there would have been a much different reaction. If someone dared tell me they were taking my kids away over a mistake- one I would be mortified for but would not accept losing my kids over- like FUCK I would be able to sit down rationally and think about it properly. OP escalated the situation beyond what it ever should have been.

And yes like someone else said, when I had an iPhone things I deleted off the actual handset sometimes stayed on my iCloud so if I changed phones the once deleted things would be back.

w0man · 17/04/2019 20:10

As for your dd she’ll forget about it in time

Wouldn't be too sure about that. I still have an image of a woman sucking a dick while squatting on another mans face on my head from my stepdads filthy magazines when I was five years old and in now almost 40, pre internet and given today's mainstream porn is often violent and aggressive to women if it's upset her she might not forget anytime soon.

When I was 18 and my sister (step dads dd) was 8 she came into my room to get something my Mam had sent her for something to find a video of what she describes at almost 30 years old as rapey porn and she gets angry as her own children are a similar age now and can't imagine her dp being so careless. She said she sneaked in my room once to steal some of my make up and stood in some whitish liquid on the floor near my desk which she now knows was jizz. She hasn't forgotten that either:

User24856 · 17/04/2019 20:10

Can someone point out to me where the OP said to the partner he couldn’t see his kids?....

As far as I read, she asked him to leave. He then text her and asked to see the baby for a couple of hours. The OP was in 2 minds whether or not to let him but then she said he could. Or is that now what happened?

Because several others seem to have some other info that the OP told the partner he couldn’t see the children Confused

Jimdandy · 17/04/2019 20:12

I think you are completely overreacting.

It was a mistake for it to go on to the 7 year olds phone. But loads of people watch porn, it’s perfectly normal.

I think you are more unreasonable letting a 7 year old have a phone in the first place (what on earth does a 7 year old need a phone for and you were going out trampolining why even take it?!) replacing it when she’s clearly irresponsible or just to young.

Get a grip!

Ginger1982 · 17/04/2019 20:15

User, in her OP she asks if she should stop him seeing the kids.

User24856 · 17/04/2019 20:15

Ginger - she didn’t say anything about saying that to him though?

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 20:34

Why is it "misuse" for someone to use their phone to store pornography? Particularly in circumstances where their partner has no problem with them viewing porn.

It’s misuse to store porn on a device you allow your 7yo to access regularly. Which he did with his own phone.

It is luck rather than judgement that the child has only seen it now.

The fact she seen it on her own phone is totally clouding the issue that the OP’s DH has regularly been allowing his 7yo to access a device that has graphic porn saved on it in the photos folder (which can’t be password protected on an iPhone).

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 20:37

It was almost inevitable that she was going to see it at some point because of his stupidity

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