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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 16:14

Also where in the world are you that your child is in school today? Mega late Easter break!

Kids here are back at school after their two weeks off. Then they're off Friday and Monday as Easter is later this year.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 17/04/2019 16:24

Bare in mind op that if your dd tells her friends or a teacher/someone at school what she's seen, your dp will end up in a shit load of trouble.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 16:27

How come it’s the OP’s responsibility that parental controls are on, not the girl’s father? I certainly wouldn't have checked. And parental controls wouln’t have stopped her seeing what was downloaded from her dad’s phone.....

IHateUncleJamie · 17/04/2019 16:28

Because I can guarantee most of you who are so
you shocked at a 7 yo having a phone, would also allow a 7 yo to have an iPad or tablet?

My dd had neither. At the end of year 6 she had a very basic phone with no internet access and 2 games so that she could phone us and text her friends. Then she had a Blackberry in Year 8. No ipad until she was 12, no iphone until Year 10.

She also used to give us her phone at bedtime until she was old enough and responsible enough to not be on it late.

No 7 year old needs a phone and no 7 year old should have their own icloud account. You can have a family account that you share limited features with your dd. You need strict parental controls and if you’re not prepared to take your dd’s phone away until she’s older then fgs don’t let her have unsupervised access to Youtube and the internet. 😱

Anyway. OP You have a very new baby and of course you’re feeling hormonal. I think you might have reacted in a more measured way if you hadn’t just had a baby. I don’t have a problem with legal porn and I don’t see what’s so terrible about the boxer-wearing selfies BUT it’s not my relationship and you will have your own thoughts on porn.

Your dp may have forgotten he had the porn on his icloud; I don’t know. Unless you are saying that he intended for your dd to see porn, you would be vv unreasonable to stop him seeing the dcs. You need to have a proper talk about porn before you decide whether this is worth ending your relationship over.

The blame for your little dd being exposed to porn lies with both of you, I’m afraid, assuming that you both decided to let your dd have a phone.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 16:36

Bare in mind op that if your dd tells her friends or a teacher/someone at school what she's seen, your dp will end up in a shit load of trouble

Or the other child tells her parents or teacher

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 16:38

I can't help wondering just how different the responses would have been if the OP had posted that her DD saw graphic porn saved to her DH's phone when he'd allowed their 7yo to play with it. Especially if he was completely unapologetic about it as the OP's husband is. Would that have been completely her fault as well?

CardsforKittens · 17/04/2019 16:40

Or the other child tells her parents or teacher

Indeed. Other parents may be less inclined to assume that it was ‘just a mistake.’

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/04/2019 16:45

For goodness sake, such an over reaction. Whether your DD is too young for a phone is up to you. I imagine she was being a typical impatient kid and badgering your DP to sort the phone out and he just did it without thinking too much into it. It's a really easy mistake to make. Yeah sure, have words and explain how horrified you are, but to kick him out is cray UNLESS you were looking for an excuse to end the relationship. I can't believe if you were happy with him this is reason enough to end it, especially as you have already stated you have no issues with porn.

Are you looking for an excuse to end it OP?

Skyejuly · 17/04/2019 16:46

You really have no choice I'd he sees kids or not...court would rule he can.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 16:55

I don’t think it’s just the OPs fault that her DD has a phone. She has two parents. Both of them are daft for giving a 7 year old child a mobile phone. The father was an idiot for not thinking about his DD having access to his iCloud account when he has porn stored on it. But the situation wouldn’t have arose had she not had a mobile phone.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 16:59

Given that the OP stated that her DD knows her Dad's passcode and goes into his phone and pictures regularly that's more luck than judgement on the husband's part so far though.

Babyg1995 · 17/04/2019 16:59

Yabu 7 year olds don't need a phone and your dp is a grown man who can watch what he wants as long as it's not illegal poor bloke.

FifisLovelyApron · 17/04/2019 17:14

You really have no choice I'd he sees kids or not...court would rule he can.

Access would be the simple court issue. A more complex one will be if one of their child's 7 year old friends tells her parents what their friend has on her phone and an investigation has to take place...

your dp is a grown man who can watch what he wants as long as it's not illegal poor bloke

I knew there would be a "poor bloke" about now. No thread about a man fucking up and traumatizing his child is complete without one. Can you muster up a "poor child" too?

hippoherostandinghere · 17/04/2019 17:22

Hopefully the neighbours kid didn't see it too. If my DH did this is react the same as you OP.

CripsSandwiches · 17/04/2019 17:23

There's no evidence the DD is traumatised. There's nothing wrong with the DH watching porn. He was careless in allowing the DD to see it but even if she told a teacher and it was passed to social services they would just check it was a accident and the lesson had been learned. I remember a girl at school finding a brother's porn mag and bringing it in. Once a bit later on a school trip to France we came across a porn mag (in hindsight a very bespoke fetish one!). It's not ideal but we survived the ordeal.

User24856 · 17/04/2019 17:27

This is the kind of shit you risk when you give a 7 year old a device that accessed the internet

Except photos and videos saved to the phone don't require internet access

Exactly fucking this!! Honestly why the fuck are people having a go at the OP for letting a 7yo have a phone??!!

She let her 7yo have a phone to play games on and watch YouTube - she hadn’t once mentioned that the child used the internet on the phone (YouTube is an app btw) passwords etc would NOT have stopped the child accessing the photos on an iPhone!!

Her husband has totally fucked up here 1. By having this shit saved to his phone in the first place if he lets the child use it. And, 2. By being so fucking stupid to log into his iCloud account on her phone, giving her access to EVERYTHING he has on his phone!!

You are all going on about the OP knowing passwords etc, but if the child was using the husbands iCloud, then maybe the OP was confident that the phone use was being monitored as the child was using her dads iCloud, therefore he can see what she’s watching/downloading etc! I doubt for a second she’d have thought he’d be saving graphic fucking porn to the phone’s photo album!!

Honestly, mumsnet is full of complete and utter judgemental arseholes, I actually don’t understand why anyone would come here and ask for advice. I bet most of you shouting that the child should have a phone, have given your children iPads or tablets at age 7

OP, I completely understand your reaction - no child at that age (or any age) should be exposed to porn. Your DP is a dick for letting that happen. If i was in your shoes, I’d have done the same.

CripsSandwiches · 17/04/2019 17:28

I'd also add most people I know whose kids have tablets never allow unsupervised access or have parental controls on.

User24856 · 17/04/2019 17:36

@CripsSandwiches

How do you know she didn’t have parental controls on? PARENTAL CONTROLS WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED THE CHILD ACCESSING A PHOTO ALBUM!!! What part of that do you not all understand??!!

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 17:42

It’s all about the porn. Women are falling over themselves to show that they are all right with porn that they are throwing another women under a bus to prove their cool girlness.

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 17:48

Bertrand. I don’t watch porn. I never have. I don’t like it. And by that I mean I don’t like the exploitative nature of it.

But. A SEVEN year old had an iPhone and worse her, one her parents couldn’t access, didn’t know the passwords for ? Come on. That’s not even near wise. That’s actually negligent.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 17:48

The OP has said herself she doesn’t object to him watching porn.

User24856 · 17/04/2019 17:50

@BertrandRussell

It’s fucking ridiculous. Honestly. I bet if the OP had written “Ipad” or “tablet” instead of phone no one would have written “why does a 7 year old have a tablet”

They’re going on about parent controls - the child was using her dads iCloud ffs, how much parent control is that! So I assume the OP was confident the phone use was being monitored - the husband is completely to blame here.

Ginger1982 · 17/04/2019 17:55

YWBVU to use your kids as punishment in this way. It was obviously an accident and you need to talk to your DH about what he stores on his phone but preventing access is pathetic.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 17:55

But. A SEVEN year old had an iPhone and worse her, one her parents couldn’t access, didn’t know the passwords for ? Come on. That’s not even near wise. That’s actually negligent.

Hang on , the OP said none of them could remember the iCloud login. That's not the same as not being able to access the phone.

I have no idea what my iCloud login is (I'd probably crack it eventually as like a lot of people I use the same few passwords or variations of), but it doesn't mean I don't know my phone password or my apple id password.

It just meant they couldn't restore the phone from the last back up - not that the kid had a complete free for all on the phone.

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 17:56

Your iCloud login is your Apple ID.

And a SEVEN year old. Has a phone her parents have no idea what she’s put on It. Ffs.

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