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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:

HBStowe · 17/04/2019 20:47

would not be incandescent that their dp has allowed their 7 year old to view porn

He hardly allowed it. It’s not like he knew and just let her crack on.

Honestly both parents have failed here because a 7 year old having unfettered access to smartphones is so fucking stupid. OP’s husband is more to blame for this specific situation, but OP shares some responsibility. No 7 yo should have this little supervision with a smartphone and it should be a lesson to both parents.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2019 20:57

It’s not like he knew and just let her crack on.

Oh right. So someone else put graphic porn on the tech savvy man's phone without his knowledge.

This tech savy man then on three seperate occasions (at least) gave his 7 yr old access to the porn, including on her own phone.

He then doesn't think its a big deal.

Crikey expectations of men on this thread are even lower than the average "but he puts up shelves" excuse for housework avoiders.

w0man · 17/04/2019 21:07

Your iCloud login is your Apple ID.

You might have set yours up to use the same email and same password for both but they aren't the same thing.

My Apple ID for example is [email protected] whereas my Apple ID is [email protected]. It's have different strong passwords and I can sign into my husbands device with my Apple ID and download apps I've purchased without using my iCloud credentials at all.

iCloud Drive can also be turned off under iCloud settings.

Has a phone her parents have no idea what she’s put on It. Ffs.

The tech savvy parent also had no idea what he'd put on himself, surprised at how many people think he gets if the hook and is a poor bloke while the woman who didn't put porn on the child's phone gets called irresponsible and neglectful.

If you tube couldn’t go on the internet the child couldn’t watch anything.

You can with YouTube premium, brother gives his phone to his dd while he washes up or something but turns WiFi and Mobile data off. He knows even YouTube kids isn't always appropriate so pats for YouTube premium, downloads peppa pig, checks it's not an adult version, turns internet off then goes has a pop or vaccuums or something for 15 mins.

IHateUncleJamie · 17/04/2019 21:25

@user are you the OP under a different name?

I’m not sure you understand how iphones work. The Youtube app is just a different means of watching Youtube and every video on Youtube.

Iphones also come with the Safari browser on by which you access the internet (whether via wifi or 4G).

The OP’s 7 year old can do anything on that iphone except make phone calls.

No child needs their own Apple ID; you can set them up as a child on an adult’s ID which means you can also set parental controls. It sounds as if the OP’s 7 year old has her own account though which tbh is ridiculous.

And FWIW I don’t think 7 year olds need their own ipad either. “FFS”.

w0man · 17/04/2019 21:43

nosauce I can't keep up with usernames and not sure if you mean I took your quote out of contexts or if I didn't include the quote you were replying too.

Which post of yours have I misquoted or missed an important bit and I'll go back and double check.

HBStowe · 17/04/2019 22:06

Oh right. So someone else put graphic porn on the tech savvy man's phone without his knowledge

It seems perfectly clear that he knows there is porn on his own phone but not that he knew it was on his DD’s phone. If OP thinks he is a bona fide sexual predator who deliberately put it there because he is grooming his daughter, she should obviously report him to the police.

Alternatively, if she accepts it was a horrible mistake, they should fairly urgently make changes to their parenting to ensure this can’t happen again. For example, OP’s DH can commit to not storing porn on his phone or devices from now on, and they can both agree to exercise better supervision over the poor 7 year old who is absurdly young to have her own smartphone and unrestricted access to her parents’ phones.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 22:09

He had graphic porn on the phone that he gives his dd to play with and downloads it one her phone- and somehow the OP is the bad guy? Give me strength!

My response

That’s not what happened though. The DD has a new phone and couldn’t log in to her iCloud account so her dad logged into his account on her phone so she could download apps

Don’t suppose it matters in the grand scheme of things but it just looked a bit weird quoting only my post.

CanuckBC · 17/04/2019 22:30

Phone issues aside, I would not let anyone take my 12 day old baby anywhere without me! The baby is 12 days old and needs mom for breastfeeding constantly and comfort. Mom is all the baby knows! If dad wants to see the baby he can come visit!!! This is a newborn, not a several month old, barely over a week old. I would not be letting a baby that old out of my sight let alone out the house for hours without me!!!

It’s a good way to get PPD. Or aggravate mental health issues.

Gravelface · 17/04/2019 22:31

A 7 year old with a mobile phone? Wow.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 22:36

I can understand why a bf baby can’t be away from it’s mother for long. But surely a ff baby would be fine with it’s father for an hour?

Eliza9919 · 17/04/2019 22:42

I wouldn't give a 7yr old an iPhone in the first place.

PCohle · 17/04/2019 22:47

Phone issues aside, I would not let anyone take my 12 day old baby anywhere without me!

Yeah to be honest if my DH's aunt wanted to see our 12 day old baby she could make the trip to our house. However, if this is something the OP would otherwise be comfortable with I think preventing it over this incident is an unhelpful overreaction.

PCohle · 17/04/2019 22:57

It’s misuse to store porn on a device you allow your 7yo to access regularly. Which he did with his own phone.

The iPhone has a hidden photo function though. The problem is that whilst hidden photos don't appear in your moments, years or collections view they do appear in the album view, as an album called "hidden".

www.digitaltrends.com/photography/how-to-hide-photos-on-an-iphone/

That's clearly what's happened here and it seems like a genuine error even someone "tech savvy" could make inadvertently.

The DH presumably thought he had hidden the pictures and therefore had taken reasonable steps to stop his DD being able to see them, even if she looked through his pictures (which it presumably did, given she never came across them in his phone).

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2019 23:01

the poor 7 year old who is absurdly young to have her own smartphone and unrestricted access to her parents’ phones.

I think you mean "father's". No evidence she has unrestricted access tothe OP's phone. Also OP made it clear that both parents discuss her having the phone, not just hte OP. Plenty of posters on MN talk about children this age having and using iPads for all the "educational" stuff.

The phone was only an issue because her father put porn on it. PPs keep talking about if it was some random error but on at least three seperate occasions he supplied/gave access to porn despite being "tech savvy".

Its not "one mistake".

Or to put it another way "AIBU to be worried about leaving my 7 yr old with a male relative who has exposed her to graphic porn three times including access to account where he stores it".

Then imagine the answers on that thread.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/04/2019 23:07

The DH presumably thought he had hidden the pictures and therefore had taken reasonable steps to stop his DD being able to see them

You don't need to be "tech savvy" to know about the hidden photos - its a feature called out in "find you way" and well documented. But lets keep making excuses for the man's inalienable right to convenient wank fodder.

Lets be charitable and pretend this explains one instance. It doesn't explain multiple examples of the same "mistake'. Or perhaps he just doesn't give a shit.

PCohle · 17/04/2019 23:14

I didn't know about it. And if I hid a photo I would assume it was, well, hidden.

I'm not sure why some poster's clear distaste for pornography has any bearing on the right these children have to have a relationship with their father.

Why is it multiple mistakes? The DD saw the images once.

w0man · 17/04/2019 23:18

Thank you nosauce

It didn't enter my head to quote the person you were replying to when I commented on your own posts and there wasn't any there wasn't any malice or arsey reasonwhy I didn't include the other persons posts but maybe I should have done so people know the context of my response.

Wasn't anything personal though I've always just quoted the bit I'm actually commenting or replying too. Thank you for going back and getting the bit you meant. I'm using the app and it was playing up and wouldn't load previous posts.

w0man · 17/04/2019 23:22

Another thing I don't think has been mentioned with iPhones, there's also a recently deleted album so you can restore pics and vids you might have deleted by accident or want back. If you haven't emptied that folder too you might want to check it if she's still on his iCloud account.

LittleChristmasMouse · 18/04/2019 11:39

but on at least three seperate occasions he supplied/gave access to porn despite being "tech savvy".

Where are the 3 occasions? Have I missed it somewhere?

Also, I think "tech savvy" is quite a subjective term. My parents would say that I am tech savvy because I know how to use their phones and use the odd bits of tech that they have. But I only know it at a very basic level really - how to use them on a day to day basis. I have no knowledge at all of what is stored on the cloud, how to hide items, what that would mean if I logged into another device etc etc etc.

So, the op describes him as tech savvy but what does that mean? That he can operate a mobile phone when she can't or that he's a software engineer for Apple?

Yes the dd seeing what she did is awful, and hopefully being dealt with but unless steps are also taken to lock down her new phone and to seriously restrict her internet access this is going to happen again, via a video on youtube or something.

LittleChristmasMouse · 18/04/2019 11:46

Also, and I may be wrong here because I've never had an Apple product, I think when our dd got an iphone and was setting up her Apple id that we had to register a bank card to the account because my dh was concerned that in app purchases or itune purchases could be made without him knowing. If that is the case has your 7 year old been, inadvertently, given free reign to run up bills on your bank card OP?

NoSauce · 18/04/2019 12:19

No worries w0man!

lyralalala · 18/04/2019 13:24

You don’t have to have a card attached to the account.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2019 13:31

“unless steps are also taken to lock down her new phone and to seriously restrict her internet access this is going to happen again, via a video on youtube or something.”

Do we have any evidence that this was not the case?

youknowmedontyou · 18/04/2019 14:49

Your husband is out of order letting this happen, however you should and I cannot understand why you didn't make sure that every internet device your child has access to has parental locks on it.

Why you didn't ensure this I don't know.

You also keep saying she's nearly 8, she wasn't at Christmas nearly 8. She doesn't take the iPhone outside but lost it at the trampoline park? Loses it and gets a new one the net weekend. You're teaching your child the value of nothing, which on its own is dreadful

You then want to stop your husband, the children's father access to his children....... good luck with that! You're calling quite rightly into question his parenting ability, yet you didn't ensure that parental controls etc were on your child's device.

You both need to look at your parenting skills.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2019 15:00

I cannot understand why you didn't make sure that every internet device your child has access to has parental locks on it.

Why you didn't ensure this I don't know”

How do you know they didn’t?

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