Overzealous MIL

[Iheartlondon]

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

Poor woman. Her life sounds empty - hasn't she got anything else to fill her life? Isn't there a FIL? No hobbies or pets? Hopefully the novelty will wear off, especially as you don't live near her. Maybe you should buy her a kitten or a puppy?

That's what I said to dh, she's allergic though! Fil passed away the year before dd arrived sadly. She has lots of hobbies and friends, they all have grandchildren they are very involved with though so she must feel left out. I do feel sorry for her and feel bad for feeling the way I do.

How old is DD? How often does she actually see you, and how often do you see your parents? She sounds lonely and probably overdoes things when she sees you as she's so excited.

I will admit the bedroom was over the top, but the photos and album seem like strange things to get worked up over.

She doesn't live near you so I'd just suck up the visits. How she does up her home is up to her.

She'll stare at DD....isn't that just a GM drinking in her GD? Didn't you stare at your child, didn't you want to just look and look and look?

I feel sorry for her.

Her husband died last year and she is excited about a new grandchild. You might want to cut her some slack. Try not to compare her to your parents, you are bound to prefer them and it will just make you more resentful that she isn't a carbon copy of them.
She sounds over excited, understandably. Perhaps ask your husband to talk to her about not buying so much. Perhaps message her with photos each day so that she has something to look forward to and to show friends.
You feel it is all about her becoming a grandmother. Remember that she has also just become a widow.

I think with the photos it's the fact that it's like a shrine to dd, if there were lots of photos of other family members too it wouldn't bother me. she has albums of photos for Dh and his brother and I guess I feel like she's treating dd like the daughter she never had. and yes, I do watch dd sometimes drinking her in and i know that's what mil is doing but it just feels excessive.
dd is nearly 2
my dm isn't well so can't travel to us and also not nearby so we see her less. my df will be short visits every month or so. time wise she gets the most time I would say. and I encourage dh to phone her a lot.

I feel a bit sorry for her, too. Is your DD very young still? You might find the zealousness wears off a bit.

I agree this is for DH to talk to her about, and for you to have to take a deep breath and deal with MILs behaviour - I get it feels awkward, but if it's only sometimes I think it's best to make your piece with it.

In your book, I must be the grandmother from hell! I had dgs6 and dgd3 for six hours on Friday, six hours on Monday, and I popped round to see them for a couple of hours yesterday! We're family, you see, and my ddil welcomes all the support she can get!

She’s sounds lonely, a maybe a bit overexcited, I imagine a new grandchild fills a void created when she was recently widowed.

I often find myself staring at cute babies, just drinking in the cuteness and remembering when mine were that small.

I like the PP suggestion of sending her photos and little updates often so she feels included and has something to show off to her friends when the talk turns to grandchildren.

Your DD is lucky to have a GP who cares about and is interested in her. You are being a bit mean, tbh.

Thanks for the replies btw. I do suck it up. I know I sound selfish but we went through a lot to have dd.

Cross post re the photos.

My parents house is also a shrine to their grandchildren, they have more photos of them up now than I think they ever had of me and my brother. They also have more photos of the dogs up now than they do of me and my brother 😂

My grandmother’s house was also covered in photos of her grandchildren.

You don’t have to live in the house so try not to let it bother you.

Like PP I would cut her some slack. The house full of photos and unnecessary room if stuff doesn't affect you so definitely let it go. The always trying to get a cuddle of DD is annoying when she won't give her back but I'll bet it calms down as DD gets older. I would inundate her with photos and try to find ways of including her which aren't annoying to you, make sure mil is cuddling DD when you want a long bath, ask her advice (even if you ignore it). Maybe if you feel more in control of mil's place in dd's life her enthusiasm will seem less suffocating.

By the way even though I agree about sucking it up you've just had a baby and your feelings are natural. You're all adjusting to having DD now and there's a certain amount of renegotiating boundaries that has to happen. Things will reach a new equilibrium in time.

"we went through a lot to have dd"

And now you have her. She won't be any less yours for occasionally sharing her with an overly doting grandmother. Just chose your boundaries carefully. If she wants to gaze endlessly upon her wonderousness, let her. If she starts treating her in a waythat is detrimental to your dd (or you) step in.

I think YABU about the photos but in all the other respects she sounds very overbearing! If her visits are infrequent it probably makes it worse because she feels the need to make the most of her time. Not sure what you can do beyond trying not to sweat the small stuff and save your energy for the boundary violations you really don’t want to put up with.

Your post makes me feel genuinely very sad. I now wonder if my family judge me for having too many photos. I hardly see my grandchildren as none live nearby (abroad). I have no friends or family here. The photos remind me why I shouldn't kill myself. Your poor MIL.

She sounds like a loving GM. Most GPs have tons of pictures of the dgc. And if she has stuff in her house it is less for you to worry about taking with you when you visit.

I'm worried if I send her more photos she'll wallpaper her house with them! We do face time her so she is included.
I'm a sahm and we're older and very independent, I definitely think it's an issue of control. I had no idea she would be like this or that I would feel this way.

Jealous of your own MIL. Sad.

None of what you have said is controlling.

I'm worried if I send her more photos she'll wallpaper her house with them!

Slightly over the top reaction there. But even if she did want to wallpaper the house with them it doesn't actually affect you, so why are you letting it bother you so much?

I'm sorry to upset you Nu2u, like I said before though if there were lots of photos of other family members too it wouldn't bother me.

How old is your DD now? My MIL was a bit like this early on but she has calmed down quite a lot of her own accord now (DC is 15mo, she seems much less interested in the toddler stage). I think the stuff with photos is pretty normal, as is the kitting out a room in her house. When we visit MIL, we use the stuff she has provided if its useful, and use our own if the stuff isn't suitable. No drama.