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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overzealous MIL

152 replies

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 09:07

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 17/04/2019 11:26

my dd's totally prefer their grandparents to me (they all tell me im their 3rd gavourite perdon after both grandmothers 😃), i know they love me but their grandparents totally indulge and spoil them, we don't see any of them that often as we all live in different cities and all work but im just glad they all have such a great relationship, the more people that love your dc the better

Dillydallyingthrough · 17/04/2019 11:33

OP you've graciously accepted you are being unreasonable. I just came on to say it does sound like your insecurity.

I had this with my DD from my DM - me and my siblings would have a joke with my DM that she would kill me in my sleep when I stayed over to have her to herself. She was over the top but she loves DD so very much and it's lovely. I remember having jealousy pangs myself when DD seemed to prefer my DM to me when she was little. But I had a bit of a word with myself at times like this as I strongly believe children cannot be loved by too many people. She is with my DM at the moment for a few days even though she's 15, they will watch films and have a day shopping together but as my DPs are getting older she also helps them with little chores around the house. It's lovely to see...

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 11:33

OP it sounds like your MIL is putting all her energy and thoughts into your DD probably due to losing her husband.

What can you do about this realistically? Ask her to stop putting photos up in her house? Stop staring at DD? Love her a little less?

It does come across here that it’s you that has some control issues and not actually MIL.

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 11:34

To me it feels as though you feel your MIL is trying to meet her needs through your child. In my opinion, that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. The issue you will have when raising this with anyone, including internally to yourself, if that no one particular behaviour is an issue in itself - hence the number of replies saying they can’t see any issue with the behaviours given what you’ve written. I guess for me the point is, it is an issue for you, and that matters. Your feelings about the challenges you’ve faced are as important as her longings, grief and loneliness and it is healthy for your feelings to matter to you more than hers do... hers need to matter to her more and she needs to find a way to meet them...your child/ her grandchild does not exist to meet that need. Loving your child/ grandchild and adding to their lives is not the same as feeling they should meet you or their needs. In my opinion, buying or borrowing items for the baby and presenting you with a room full of items without asking the parents what they want is a big boundary issue and I suspect a lot of these other behaviours do have the same boundary issue even though they wouldn’t if someone else did them. Intent is everything!

You might find it helpful to look up the characteristics of a covert narcissist. I’m not saying your MIL is one but I’m suspecting you’ll find a lot of the associated behaviours ring a bell. If they do then the solution is to have strong boundaries yourself - what they are will depend on what triggers you. Maybe meet somewhere not in her house so her “shrine” (shudder!) is something you don’t have to witness nor at yours where it will inevitably feel an invasion of your domain. Google “medium chill” as a strategy when you do meet up. It’s so amazingly powerful.
You won’t change her desire to meet her needs through trampling on your boundaries but you can stop her actually being able to trample.
I do feel sorry for her loneliness and grief but they are not your responsibility. Your own feelings are and it would be worth making sure you’re not projecting your issues and pain onto her but I suspect not. Take care xxx

Dillydallyingthrough · 17/04/2019 11:35

Forgot about add that it's also nice for me to get a break from teen hormones!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2019 11:35

@Chickychoccyegg that's quite funny

My son was having a strop about something one day, I was obviously the worst, meanest Mum in the world and he said even (name of biggest rival football team) are nicer than you

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2019 11:41

@Fellsidegruffalo, how is MiL trampling over boundaries. Having a room of things in her own house is actually quite useful. Saves taking shitloads of stuff when you go to visit. Looking at a child and having lots of pictures of them is actually perfectly normal.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/04/2019 11:43

haha@sweenytoddsrazor the things they come out with sometimes are so funny, hope you were suitably offended 😂

KittyInTheCradle · 17/04/2019 11:43

Only thing that is objectionable to me is the wanting to hold baby while having a cold.

Everything else - just sounds like she's really happy and I feel like I'd love it if gp loved my kids so much.

I can see why you might feel like she's stepping on your toes a bit though. But yes, sounds like in the end it's harmless and not bad for baby.

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 11:44

That’s my whole point - each individual behaviour can be viewed as perfectly normal behaviour. In my opinion, having a room full of items at a grandparents house is only helpful if that’s something the parents have said yes to.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2019 11:46

@Chickychoccyegg I had a hard job not to start laughing then I pretended to be very offended.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 11:51

You’re not there often enough for this to genuinely be a problem. I actually do get where you’re coming from. As I said earlier, my MIL has always been overboard in her affections towards both my DH and my DDs (and me, too, but I back away because I can’t cope with being smothered).

My DD2 didn’t warm to her at first. (My DDs are adopted and bonding with them had to be worked towards, it wasn’t automatic.). My MIL took this very personally and on one occasion blamed me. It actually wasn’t personal against MIL at all, DD2 would only allow cuddles from DH or me for a very long time and rushing her was just never going to work.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 11:51

“You might find it helpful to look up the characteristics of a covert narcissist. I’m not saying your MIL is one but I’m suspecting you’ll find a lot of the associated behaviours ring a bell.”

Oh, ffs.

Napqueen1234 · 17/04/2019 11:52

OP I have a similar situation so completely understand. People often think you're being mean or overly protective or 'jealous' but it isn't that at all. You're a new mum and have your role and shes a new grandma and has her role (lovely that she wants to be up to date and involved though some GP don't!). My MIL would message incessantly when my DD arrived (also nearly 2), want hundreds of photos and day and constantlty send messages like '2 months with DD- best 2 months ever!!' despite only seeing her occasionally as lives 200+ miles away. Its getting better as dd gets older -and as we appreiciate the chance to escape for a bit- but it is hard. Be as patient and supportive of their relationship as you can. Kids can never have too much love

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 11:52

How does your other half feel?
I think once babies become children and they have their own preferences and usually are very capable of clearly indicating their boundaries, they can develop their own relationship with their grandparents and it naturally becomes less of projection of the relationship between grandparents and parents.
If your OH has a loving easy relationship with his Mum then that would make me feel it more likely the issue lies with your feelings.

federationrep · 17/04/2019 11:52

I totally get where you're coming from. My DH is an only child, she started buying presents as soon as We told her we were having a baby. and when I had DD Mil visited in hospital and I heard her say "we've got our girl" to fil. I was too tired/gobsmacked to correct her. I mentioned to DH who promised to speak to her. Then first visit at home, she told us she'd put the birth announcement in the local paper. At this point DH was very firm that she'd overstepped the boundaries, there was a difference between having a child and a grandchild. She continued to be ott with presents, I'm sure I nearly got done for shoplifting once when shopping with her, all I wanted to do was get something for DD to the till so I could buy it myself. I feel like we spent the first couple of years gently "granny training" for want of a better word. Lots of "that's a kind offer but we've already sorted it", and "that's nice for Jean next door that she has her gdc, all the time but isn't dd lucky that her mummy doesn't need to go back to work straight away", "we will decide ourselves later" etc
Would your mil like a new hobby, maybe you could ask if she'd do a big cross stitch for your DD's nursery? Or if she already has a photo album would she like to try scrapbooking? A lot of craft shops offer classes or introduce her to Pinterest. Suggest it as something that eventually she would pass to DD. She will feel involved but not in an in your face way

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 11:53

“having a room full of items at a grandparents house is only helpful if that’s something the parents have said yes to.”
It may not be helpful- but it’s not unhelpful either!

Original poster

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 11:54

Yes, we had said we didn't need anything.
And with the cold it felt like she was putting her desire to cuddle dd ahead of the risk of dd catching her cold. In her defence she is a bit better with presents now.
I'll have a look at the things you mentioned fellsidegruffalo.

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 11:56

In my opinion, having a room full of items at a grandparents house is only helpful if that’s something the parents have said yes to.

Why would she need to get the parent’s permission to have items in her own house?

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 11:58

I don’t think that’s helpful advice here. There’s nothing the OP has written that makes me think this woman has narcissistic traits. I think that’s a really unkind and quite damaging thing to even suggest.

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 11:59

Personally I feel it is a boundary issue and unhelpful relationship-wise if grandparents are told we don’t want you to and still do it anyway.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 12:00

You might find it helpful to look up the characteristics of a covert narcissist.

I do hate it when the Google psychologists start to diagnose on the basis of a few posts from a stranger. 🙄

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 12:01

It isn’t narcissistic behaviour, though, or doesn’t sound like it. I think that word is bandied about on here much too easily. She sounds more like she’s grieving and lonely, which is what you would expect with her having been recently widowed.

I do think she should be encouraged to find other things in her life, however. My MIL used to be a hermit between visits with us and BIL and SIL and their DC, but she does other things now, which means that she’s less emotionally dependent on us than she used to be.

Redlocks28 · 17/04/2019 12:01

I heard her say "we've got our girl" to fil. I was too tired/gobsmacked to correct her. I mentioned to DH who promised to speak to her. Then first visit at home, she told us she'd put the birth announcement in the local paper

I don’t actually think either of those things is that awful! For a couple who only had one boy, it must be great to have a girl-child or grandchild. Putting an announcement on the paper is fairly standard grandparent fare around here as well. Sounds like they are just thrilled to bits.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 12:04

Yes- grandparents are never allowed to apply the pronoun “mine” or “ours” to a child on Mumsnet. It’s very odd indeed.

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