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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overzealous MIL

152 replies

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 09:07

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 17/04/2019 10:04

Her having lots of photos up doesn't cost you anything or take away from your enjoyment of your child. MIL sounds lonely and she obviously loves her grandchild. If she chooses to buy baby furniture for her house and put up pictures in her house I don't see how that affects you at all.

The only thing that would bother me here is wanting to hold the baby when ill, but it sounds like she didn't anyway so not really an issue.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:06

I don't know IceRebel. But I'll obviously leave her to it.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/04/2019 10:07

I've read all your posts and nothing you have written describes a controlling MIL. She loves your child, she wants to buy her grandchild presents and loves to look at photos of her. You don't see her very often so try and focus on how your child has a devoted grandparent.

When I see my granddaughter I am totally overawed by how wonderful and perfect they are, I would happily look at her all the time and be entranced by everything she does. Isn't this fairly normal? I still look at her Dad and see this amazing person who I just totally adore.

Gottalovesummer · 17/04/2019 10:08

Just came on to say my parents have a whole wall of photos of their grandchildren. I'm glad they love them and are involved with them.

Nu2u that sounds so sad. Do you get to visit? Is there any possibility of moving abroad to be closer?

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 10:09

I agree with PPs that she sounds like a loving GM. She reminds me of both my DM and MIL, who are both widows as well. My MIL in particular loves taking photos of her DGDs.

Your MIL is also recently a widow, who will still be grieving. Having a DGD has clearly given her new purpose in life, so it’s not surprising that she’s gone overboard.

Both our DDs’ DGMs both love coming with activities to go with our DDs and love giving presents. At times I find it overpowering, but our DDs are now 10 and 7 and absolutely adore having them come to visit.

A child really can’t have too many adults in their lives who love them.

deste · 17/04/2019 10:11

So basically your problem is that she loves your DD too much, has too many photos and looks at her a lot.

I must be a really awfull GM because I’m guilty of all of that. I’m constantly looking at her because I’m besotted with her but the difference is my DD is quite happy with that. I look after her a lot too but my DD appreciates it. I also went through a lot to have my DD so her baby is special to me too. Give the woman a break and be happy she is in your life.

Lou573 · 17/04/2019 10:11

OP, I completely understand - I had the same thing down to a nursery prepared at mil’s house. Turned up several times a week to try and wrestle my newborn from me. But now dd is older she adores her grandmother back and it’s a wonderful relationship, even if I have to bite my tongue at times. If it’s only you affected then just try and get through it for your dd’s sake, a doting grandmother is a great asset for a child.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:11

She's nearly 2 Narya and it's not settled down but I guess there is still time.

OP posts:
evaperonspoodle · 17/04/2019 10:12

You sound a bit insecure as your role of the mother OP, are you ok?

Hiphopopotamus · 17/04/2019 10:12

The people who seem to get the most upset about ‘over zealous’ grandparents are usually the ones that treat their children like something they own. You said ‘you went through a lot to have DD’. So what? So she’s a precious toy that only you get to play with? You get to say how everyone else should respond to her? She’s a human being, a person who has other people in her life who love her. You don’t get to say when you feel a grandmother has too many photos.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/04/2019 10:15

Does it have to settle down? She doesn't live near you so you don't have to put up with constant visits, anyone trying to attend every family day out or someone insisting on overnight stays every week. Enjoy your daughter and focus on knowing that she is very loved.

AuntieCJ · 17/04/2019 10:16

YABU. You don't sound very nice, OP. It's ok for grandparents to love their grandchildren, it isn't a competition.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:17

I didn't say she's an awful grandmother deste. Not at all, I know I should be more thankful but I guess I do worry that dd will prefer her!

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 17/04/2019 10:18

Her grand daughter obviously brings her so much joy. How lovely for both of them.
My mil is the same. Adores dd. Anything she does or says is amazing. My mil loves to see pictures of dd and of anything she’s made! A painting, a school project. Apparently she is the most talented and gifted child in the universe.
Me and dh will roll our eyes and laugh but really, I go along with it. Dh lost a brother as a child so mil has suffered enough. It’s lovely that she has so much joy in her life now.

Let your mil have her joy too.

Selmababies · 17/04/2019 10:19

I'm a sahm and we're older and very independent, I definitely think it's an issue of control. I had no idea she would be like this or that I would feel this way.

Yes, I think you would like to control your mil. But what harm is it to you if she plasters her home with photos of DD and is very enthusiastic about her?
You say you 'went through a lot to have DD', Why is this relevant to how mil is acting? It sounds as though you're saying that mil shouldn't express any love or affection for dd as if will diminish your love for your dd.
A nearly two year old is through the stage of being cuddled when they don't want to be-why are you still holding onto the grudge about mil not returning dd to you?
I don't really see why you are so irritated by mil. I would suggest that you try to change your own attitude towards her, rather than wanting to control how she acts around you and dd.

GPatz · 17/04/2019 10:21

'Jealous of your own MIL. Sad'.

Lol. I know posters like to trot out the old favourite's, but I can't see how on earth the OP is jealous of MIL in this case.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 10:21

“I agree this is for DH to talk to her about”

What’s he going to say “Stop looking at dd, iheartlondon doesn’t like it”?

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 10:23

Ffs! Now a MIL is in the wrong for looking lovingly at her grandchild. And as for the grandmother photo album! How fucking outrageous. How damaging to your DD for her GM to have a special album. Just be grateful she’s too unwell to visit you so at least you have to ‘put up’ with her only on your terms. How is it actually hurting you or your DD for grandma to have lots of photos of her up? YABVU and looking for reasons to find fault. You sound like the DIL from hell.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:24

Evaperonspoodle, I think I probably am insecure which is something I'll need to work on.
AuntieCJ, just because I'm struggling with this doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.
Hiphopotamus, you're right. But having been through infertility and also due to complications spending dds first night apart I'm probably a bit sensitive.

OP posts:
Sweetpotatoaddict · 17/04/2019 10:24

I wish my mil was like this. Instead she isn’t interested, appears at birthdays to take photos. Knows little about her grandchildren. Every visit to her was like a removal when they were little as she had nothing for them.
It makes me sad that she misses out on the pleasure they can bring, and they miss out on a relationship with a grandmother.
Yabu.

Kingslayer · 17/04/2019 10:25

I know I should be more thankful but I guess I do worry that dd will prefer her!

And here we have it, the real issue.
It isn't a competition of who loves your DD the most. So what if DD "prefers" her.... Not sure what you totally mean by that BTW.
It's healthy for your DD to have relationships with other adults who love her, and she'll be better off for it.

magimedi · 17/04/2019 10:26

She's not an awful grandmother, she's loving & caring. You, however, are a pretty unempathetic daughter in law. Your MIL has been widowed & her grandchild brings joy to her life. Bet you'd be moaning a lot more if she didn't care about her grand child.

Don't forget that your DD wouldn't be here if your MIL hadn't had your DH.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 10:26

Amendment. I see it’s your DM who is too unwell to travel. But you say you don’t see MIL very often so be grateful for that.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:27

AlexaAmbidextra, its my dm who can't travel not mil, she does.

OP posts:
HeyNannyNanny · 17/04/2019 10:27

YABU but I think you realise that.
It sounds like you're being a tad possessive of your daughter, which is lovely in a lot of ways but could cause you a lot of problems later on down the line, especially as she will become more and more independent of you as she gets older.

It's perfectly okay to have these feelings, you're only being unfair if you act upon them (eg, restrict access, treat MIL differently etc).
I'd say acknowledge the feelings and explore why it is you feel this way, and dig a little deeper. MIL is the red herring to something a bit more personal I think.

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