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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overzealous MIL

152 replies

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 09:07

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

OP posts:
Sunandseaside · 17/04/2019 12:40

Hmm I actually understand where you’re coming from.

My MIL comes to visit and doesn’t like that DD is going through a clingy stage and mostly only wants me. I find it so strange. She’ll try to pick her up (which she hates) or get her to go to DH. She doesn’t like that I’m around and the baby wants to be with me.

I mostly just ignore it as she doesn’t visit often. It’s not worth it and I know she cares for DD which is the main thing. It just comes across quite overbearing.

Nowaytm · 17/04/2019 12:45

FFS I think it's normal to be fascinated with babies when you're related to them and you've gone past your child rearing years. It certainly doesn't mean you want them to prefer you to their own mother! It's lovely because you don't have them 24 hours a day or have all the responsibility, so you can enjoy them. She's not doing weird things you read on here like getting them to call her mum or snatching her from you while you're breastfeeding.

I certainly think you may need to work on your own control feelings because in the long run you will have to get used to your child growing up and becoming independent. You won't cope well if you want them to just love you. And I mean that kindly, it's not a criticism.

Teenagers can be very trying and take out a lot of their stress on their mothers (voice of experience) and it can be quite painful but you have to learn to put your own feelings aside and focus on what's best for them. Having people who love them is good for children.

EvelineUK · 17/04/2019 12:46

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SherlockSays · 17/04/2019 12:48

I honestly don't find anything that strange about your post.. it's pretty normal for photos of grandchildren to be up surely? And having a travel cot is quite useful.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 12:54

It's hard to keep up and respond to everyone. I don't begrudge her love for dd, I'm taking on board the 'more people who love her the better' comments. And yeah, I can't say stop staring at her! I did comment on there being a lot of photos of dd though.
I mostly posted because it's been bothering me and there has been some really helpful advice. I do need to look at my issues and Dh and I are both on the same page re boundaries.
If I am a mil one day then I will offer help but be guided by dd/her partner. If I politely thank mil for offers of help but say I'll let her know when I need help she gets very huffy. I tend to leave dh to deal with mil as I have enough going on with my side of the family but I'll make more effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 12:55

Yes, I guess at the moment I don't want to be apart from dd too much but that could change. DH is very hands on and dd goes to nursery one day a week which she loves so I do get a break.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 17/04/2019 13:00

I feel for you’re poor mil she sounds lonely and lost her husband I would love my mil to have an ounce of interest in my dc that you’re Mil has she couldn’t give a shit hasn’t even seen her grandson for his birthday and won’t but she’s all over sils dd.

Amongstthetallgrass · 17/04/2019 13:03

It’s a funny feeling isn’t it when you have a much wanted baby and feel over protective and sometimes threatened.

I understand how you feel as I had similar issues with my mil and my DGM. But the issue was purely mine.

Work on your self esteem and let her idolise your little girl, she won’t take your place.

Children really do need family that care about them

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 13:09

I’m just wondering if this behaviour is because she doesn’t live near you OP and doesn’t see DD that often? So when she does see her she’s just trying to not miss a second of being with her? Hence the many photos in her house too, maybe this helps her cope with not seeing her that often?

starsparkle08 · 17/04/2019 13:23

If you don’t see her very often this is probably why she comes across ott . At least she’s interested and loves her granddaughter that’s the main thing . I would allow her to be enthusiastic and enjoy that someone else cares so much. When your daughter is a bit older and you see her perhaps you could suggest some activities they may enjoy doing together like baking ? Or allow her to take her to the cinema or garden centre for lunch I’m sure she would love that

BossAssBitch · 17/04/2019 13:27

I think you sound mean. YABU

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 13:41

I think it would be worse if we saw her more often NoSauce.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 17/04/2019 13:42

How often do you see her?

greatandpowerfulozma · 17/04/2019 13:48

I’m going against the grain and I’m going to say you aren’t being unreasonable.

I utterly get where you’re coming from. Be so so grateful she lives far away. My obsessive mil was only 15 mins down the road and I found it really hard to cope with. Now I’ve divorced her son (for unrelated reasons) and live 300 miles away it’s much better.

I always felt like I was disappointing her because I really didn’t want to see her or communicate with her everyday. I also used to joke to my sisters she’d hire a hitman so she could have dd to herself (a pp said that earlier in the thead). It’s hard to have to keep rejecting/ avoiding someone who is being nice just so you can have some breathing space. I found that really ground me down.

It’s a lot of pressure to have your child be someone’s reason to live. You just want to get on with your life and care for your child without feeling like you’re propping someone else up.

I do feel for her losing her husband and it’s lovely she loves your dd but it can feel overwhelming to have your child under such intense focus. It’s not just you!!

SilverySurfer · 17/04/2019 13:56

Having read some threads on here where the GP have zero interest in their DGCs it's a shame you feel this way. don't think you can ever have too much love and the love of a GM is very special.

EvelineUK · 17/04/2019 14:01

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Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 14:55

It varies NoSauce, it probably has been less up until now because we've not wanted to travel too far. We try and have a visit every 3 months but then if there's a special occasion it will be more. So we're seeing her again twice in the next few months. I know its not many visits to be getting my knickers in a twist about but its always a long weekend and I find it quite hard having someone else in my space. It would be so much easier if we could see her more often but just for the afternoon or something.
We face time though and dh phones her most days and tells her everything dd has been doing.
I totally get what you said about disappointing her and the pressure greatandpowerfulozma

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 17/04/2019 15:20

If it's every 2-3 months then you have got this very far out of perspective.

dayswithaY · 17/04/2019 15:31

I get it. My MIL used to sit and watch a video of my oldest child over and over again every day. I found it a bit disturbing.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 15:37

But that’s not what the MIL is doing dayswithaY.

OP as it’s so infrequent that you see her I would seriously let it slide. If you can’t do then send DH with DD so you don’t have to witness it. Although I don’t think that will make you feel any better.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 15:45

I wouldn't be surprised if she was though.

Yes, but I get myself worked up before and after visits which isn't helping. There have been a lot of really helpful comments on here though so I'm glad I posted.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 16:05

I wouldn't be surprised if she was though

Oh for goodness sake! It seems like you are determined to see the very worst in her. Just stop. And as a PP has just said, if you see her only every three months or so you really have got this whole thing very much out of proportion. IMO, you have issues that you need to address.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 16:22

But you don’t know that she is doing that OP!
The more you post the more I think the issues are with you and not her.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/04/2019 16:29

Bless her, tbh if you lived near and she was like this I'd see your point but she isn't near and must feel this is better than feeling left out.
Could your family be more laid back because they see more of you and it isn't such a big thing if you can pp in and out.
You only have to see the stuff when you visit, so unless you go often surely you can cope.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/04/2019 16:32

I'd have so many photo's and a dedicated bedroom for future sleepovers if I only saw my gd every 2 months, how awful for her.
Mine love bringing her round or dropping her off for a while, and see the importance of regular contact to bond.