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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overzealous MIL

152 replies

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 09:07

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 10:28

you've just had a baby

No she hasn’t. The child is nearly two.

SallyWD · 17/04/2019 10:30

My MIL is like this. Even before my DD was born she seemed so overwhelmed with love for her. Once my DD arrived I witnessed an outpouring of love from my MIL that I found quite overwhelming. My own parents were happy about it but I didn't feel like DD was their whole life. For my MIL DD is her reason for living. Like your MIL she was recently widowed and very lonely. During my DD's first year I felt like my MIL thought of nothing else. I admit it all made me a little uncomfortable especially as I felt quite exhausted and miserable - not exactly joyful about having a baby. Also I'm a quiet person, I worry I'm a little dull sometimes. My MIL is very gregarious, lively and fun so I did worry my DD would prefer her. But no! My DD who is now 8, loves me so much. Yes she adores her grandma but she only has one mummy! You know how I resolved the issue with my MIL? I just accepted it and embraced it. It's lovely and positive for my DD to be so loved. She has a very close relationship with my MIL. They often talk on Skype as my MIL lives far away. She sometimes spends a few days staying at MIL's house without us and it's a tonic for everyone involved. Once I realised I would never be replaced by MIL and nothing could get in the way of my bond with DD I've seen what a lovely thing it is for DD to be so close to MIL.

spanishwife · 17/04/2019 10:31

My mother was always bitter about my grandparents - they were lovely, a bit over-involved and perhaps "loved us too much" but we felt great to be so loved as children. My mothers reaction to this just made me dislike my mother. Don't go this way OP - love her as a team, gush about her together and take enjoyment is such positivity and warmth. She is SO lucky to have a grandmother that adores her.

saraclara · 17/04/2019 10:33

My daughters loved my MIL with a passion. And MIL totally deserved to have them feel that way. I remember arranging to meet her somewhere, when my youngest was in a buggy. I was early, but suddenly felt the buggy jumping around under my hands. My baby had seen MIL before I had and was bouncing about in huge excitement. That's actually one of my loveliest memories. I was so happy that my tiny girl felt such love for someone in her life.
But I was her mum, and had nothing to fear from that. Just a satisfaction that my children had loving and loved family around them.

Alienspaceship · 17/04/2019 10:33

Grandmother adores her grandchild. How awful.

Dvg · 17/04/2019 10:39

As someone who grew up with no doting grandparents... count yourself lucky. Your dd is very lucky to have someone other than her parents who love her that much, with the gifts just give them back and say your making space as it's a bit crowded now and nothing is needed and keep repeating .. if she refuses to take back just say okay well you'll sell them and put the money into a account for Dd.. she can't complain about it if she refuses to have them back

Original poster

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 10:43

HeyNannyNanny, SallyWD, Spanishwife and Saraclara, thank you for your replies. All very helpful.
I'm far from perfect but I'm not stupid and knew I was very likely to be told iabu.

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 17/04/2019 10:45

Couple of things OP:

Fil passed away the year before dd arrived sadly.

This is probably why your MIL is being like she is, she has lost someone very close and knows the fragility of life and is making the most of the time she has with you, your dh and dd. It may be somewhat over the top but grief and loneliness are difficult to bear, plus she may subconsciously be trying to prove to you that she is a worthy grandmother. Your dd is bringing some joy into her life, that's no bad thing, surely?

Not at all, I know I should be more thankful but I guess I do worry that dd will prefer her!

Relax, that's never going to happen. You don't see her that often and think about it, isn't it a good thing for your dd to have, and to know, there is someone else in this world who loves her? Your dd will have an entirely different relationship with her grandparents than the one she has with you and your husband, there is nothing to be jealous about.

HennyPennyHorror · 17/04/2019 10:49

My Mil was the same. It passed. If your biggest problem in life is someone loving your child then its time to rethink.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 17/04/2019 10:52

The poor woman has just lost her husband. There is a big gap in her life. No wonder she is maybe a bit over invested in her GD, she is probably desperate for love.

As people have said it will probably pass with time. Maintain your boundaries and try to cut the poor thing some slack.

Oohgossip · 17/04/2019 10:53

The poor woman, literally just loves her granddaughter!

RedDogsBeg · 17/04/2019 10:58

I'm far from perfect but I'm not stupid and knew I was very likely to be told iabu.

OP, children bring out such a huge range and surge of emotion in us it's tough to see clearly and be objective. A child that has the gift of a number of people loving them is a very lucky child.

TheGodmother · 17/04/2019 11:00

I feel sorry for your MIL and really hope I don't get s DIL like you.

She has too many pictures up! I mean WTF!

Tbh I also feel sorry for dc I think you are the one who's smothering.

shewhocan · 17/04/2019 11:01

My MIL is like this, although FIL is still alive. My parents much less
Like this. To be honest I adore her and the way she adores my DC (we have three now). I love that someone else things they are as special as we do! Maybe it will pass as DD gets older and if you are able to have more?

DurhamDurham · 17/04/2019 11:02

Poor woman, she has committed the awful crime of loving her granddaughter. So she stares at her when she sees her, I stare at my granddaughter too, they're fascinating when they're tiny. Luckily my daughter and her partner don't mind, they enjoy handing her over to me, gives them a break and they knows that she's going to be very well looked after. I live nearby so I'm lucky enough to see her every week, I miss her when I don't see her. I also work full time and have an active life but there is something very special about grandchildren.

You may be a MIL yourself one day so lets hope you remember your feelings about your poor MIL.

WoollyMummoth · 17/04/2019 11:05

Mmm I’m going against the grain here but I don’t think YABU . My mother, or should I say smother, was like this. It was all too much. All for grandparently love and affection but it can border on obsessive and it’s uncomfortable. My mother smothered me and then tried to do the same with dd, not ds by the way, just dd, that’s when I had to be a bit firmer on boundaries.
She might calm down op but just be mindful that she also might not and have a few strategies in mind for dealing with it.

outpinked · 17/04/2019 11:06

I feel sorry for her tbh. She lost her husband a year or so ago and is probably lonely. I think your child has brought her a new meaning and she’s focusing her energy on her. She doesn’t sound overly suffocating, if she visited every day then I’d understand but she doesn’t even visit all that often. The photos sound sweet and I am sure you stared at your DD for a long time when she was born.

Honestly, MIL’s get a bad rap on here. My MIL has only been arsed to visit our DS twice since he was born 5.5 months ago. She visited a few days after he was born then complained afterwards that I only ‘let her’ hold him for 15 minutes - 15 mins is long enough AND it was only because he was feeding and newborns feed for a longggg time. Then at Christmas she came over for 5 mins with presents. Haven’t seen her since and barely hear from her, she never asks for photos of him. All very weird since it’s her first GC but she’s self absorbed at the best of times so we leave her to it...

Your MIL actually cares for your DD, let her be a loving Grandma!

werideatdawn · 17/04/2019 11:09

I too feel bad for her. She doesn't sound like one of these nasty controlling MIL's, she sounds desperately lonely and like her grandchild is the one light in her life to be happy about. You've said she doesn't see her often due to distance. I see no harm in indulging her when you do see her.

81Byerley · 17/04/2019 11:10

When my first granddaughter was born, I hated visiting them. The other parents and grandparents were always there, usually sitting in a circle in the room, all focus on the baby. Conversation would be constantly interrupted with "Oh, did you see that? Look what she's doing!"

They were all lovely people, but I longed for the day when I could visit, have a cuddle with my granddaughter, and a normal chat with my son and daughter in law, without the focus being entirely on the baby. I didn't think that was good for her. But then once, my friend said to me "You're very motherly. That's the difference between you and me. I'm a smotherer , you're a motherer!"

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 11:11

I can’t really see anything here that stands out that MIL is doing anything wrong if I’m honest. It sounds like you say that the issue is your own insecurity.

DD is your child not hers. I’m sure she adores you and loves you very much, maybe try and think of it differently, that DD is so lucky to have a grandma who loves her so much and that this isn’t a negative issue?

I think it can be normal for grandparents to be obsessed for want of a better word with their grandchildren and as long as they aren’t overstepping boundaries there’s no real harm done.

Just wondering how you’d feel if this were your mum behaving in this way, do you think you’d still feel this way?

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 11:12

Forgot to say that I bet this behaviour has a lot to do with MIL losing her DH too.

RightYesButNo · 17/04/2019 11:18

I think OP’s further responses are being pretty reasonable, so despite this being a nest of vipers, maybe we shouldn’t dogpile on her. She came to AIBU, it appears, perfectly willing to be told SIBU.

OP, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable, and yes, your MIL is being a bit overbearing too, possibly. But you’ve mentioned in other comments that you struggled to have DD, that you had birth complications that you still feel some struggle with (two years on), and that you’re unlikely to have another child. Maybe these are issues that need dealing with separately from your MIL, and you might find that receiving some counseling for them would help alleviate your fears that DD might prefer MIL or that MIL is trying to be a mother to DD. Because it sounds like that’s what you’re really afraid of, and I promise that while hopefully many people will love your DD, no one else will ever be her mother except you.

Original poster

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 11:23

I think I would feel the same if it was DM behaving this way. I dont want to come across as mil bashing and got dh to read the post before I posted. Dh think she's ott as well but it bothers him less. He hates having his photo taken because he had so many as a child.
It does feel obsessive woolymumoth and just makes me feel uncomfortable.
I don't think we will have any more and this is something I am coming to terms with, i think if we had another i would feel better as the focus wouldn't all be on dd.

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 17/04/2019 11:23

I definitely think it's an issue of control

I agree.

I don’t think it’s your MIL that has the issue though .

TheDizzyRascal · 17/04/2019 11:25

Oh yep. We have this. Ours is nine now and nothings really changed! Just be grateful she doesn't live down the road (like ours does!) Hahaha, I'm joking, she is obviously just very much in love which is understandable but I agree it gets a bit OTT.

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